Mr. Punch's Railway Book Part 1

Mr. Punch's Railway Book.

edited by J. A. Hammerton.

A WORD AT STARTING

ONLY a few years before MR. PUNCH began his long and brilliant career had pa.s.senger trains and a regular system of railway travelling come into existence. In his early days it was still very much of a novelty to undertake a journey of any length by train; a delightful uncertainty prevailed not only as to the arrival at a given destination, but equally as to getting away from a starting-place. Naturally, the pens and pencils of his clever contributors were then frequently in use to ill.u.s.trate the humours of railway travel, and even down to the present time MR. PUNCH has not failed to find in the railway and its a.s.sociations "a source of innocent merriment."

It must be admitted that some thirty years ago the pages of PUNCH literally teemed with biting satires on the management of our railways, and the fact that his whole-hearted denunciations of the inefficient service, the carelessness which resulted in frequent accidents, the excessive charges, the inadequate accommodation, could have been allowed to pa.s.s without numerous actions for libel, is proof of the enormous advantages which the present generation enjoys in this great matter of comfortable, rapid and inexpensive transit. Where MR. PUNCH in his wrath, as voicing the opinion of the public, was wont to ridicule and condemn the railways and all a.s.sociated therewith, we to-day are as ready, and with equal reason, to raise our voice in praise. But ridicule is ever a stronger impulse to wit than is appreciation, and in these later days when we are all alive to the abounding merits of our railway system MR. PUNCH has had less to say about it. If we were to cull from his pages written in the days of his wrath we might be held guilty of presenting a gross travesty of the conditions now obtaining. Thus it is that in one or two cases only have we retained pa.s.sages from his earlier chronicles, such as "Rules for the Rail" and "The Third-Cla.s.s Traveller's Pet.i.tion," which have some historical value as reminders that the railway comfort of the present day presents a remarkable contrast to the not very distant past.

To-day every member of the community may be regarded as a railway traveller, so large a part does the railway play in modern life; and it will be admitted that, with all our improvements, the element of humour has not been eliminated from our comings and goings by train. We trust it never may. Here, then, is a compilation of the "best things,"

literary and pictorial, that have appeared in MR. PUNCH'S pages on the subject, and with his cheery presence as our guard, let us set forth upon our excursion into the Realm of Fun!

MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK

RAILWAY JOKES

_As Played Daily on the Princ.i.p.al Lines_

_Turning Business into Pleasure._--Take a traveller pressed for time, and induce him to enter a train supposed to be in correspondence with another train belonging to another line, and by which other train the traveller proposes to proceed to his destination. As the first train arrives at the junction, start off the second train _en route_ for Town.

The dismay of the traveller when he finds his journey interrupted will be, to say the least, most mirth-moving.

_The Panic-stricken Pa.s.sengers._--Allow an express train to arrive at the station of a rival company two hours behind its time. The travellers will, of course, be anxious to learn the cause of the delay, and will (again of course) receive no sort of information on the subject from the servants of the rival company. Should there be any nervous ladies in the train, the fun will become fast and furious.

_A Lark in the Dark._--Start a train ten minutes late, and gradually lose time until it arrives in the middle of a long tunnel, and then stop the engine. Stay where you are for half an hour, whistling and letting off steam every now and then, to increase the excitement. Should it be known in the train that an express is due on the line of rails already occupied by the carriages, the humour of the situation will be greatly improved. Before playing this joke, it will be as well to lock the carriage-doors, and to carefully sever the cord of communication existing (on some lines) between the pa.s.sengers and the guard.

_A Comical Meal._--On a long journey promise that the train shall stop at a stated station ten minutes for refreshments. Lose time in the customary manner, and allow the train to arrive at the stated station half an hour late. Permit the pa.s.sengers to descend and to enter the refreshment-rooms. The moment they are served, drive them back hurriedly into the carriages with the threat that if they are not immediately seated in their places they will be left behind. When the pa.s.sengers are once more in their compartments, the carriage-doors should be securely locked, and the train can then remain waiting beside the platform for three-quarters of an hour.

_The Strange Companions._--Invite ladies and gentlemen to travel in a first-cla.s.s carriage. When the compartment is a third full, over-fill it with "merry" excursionists holding third-cla.s.s tickets. The contrast between the "merriment" of the excursionists and the disgust of the ladies and gentlemen will be found a source of never-ending amus.e.m.e.nt.

_A Wholesome Joke (added by Mr. Punch and suggested to the Pa.s.sengers)._--Whenever you find yourselves subjected to the "fun" of the railway officials, write to the newspapers and obtain a summons against the directors of the company which you believe to be in fault.

_Verb. sap._

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Half third return to Brixton, please."

"Half! What's your age?"

"I'm thirteen at home; but I'm only nine and a half on railways."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Friend (to minor rail official at provincial station)_ "'Ullo c.o.c.ky, where 'ave you been all this time?"

_Minor R.O. (with dignity)._ "Oh I had to go up on duty for the Naval Review at Spit'ead, I 'ad."

_Friend (impressed)._ "Ah! Fine sight I expect it wur?" _Minor R.O._ "Well, I can't say as I _saw much of it. I war taking the tickets at Vaux'all!"_]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN EXCITING TIME

Poor Jones is convinced that his worst fears are at last realised, and he is left alone with a _dangerous lunatic!!_ (It was only little Wobbles running anxiously over the points of his coming speech to the electors of Plumpwell-on-Tyme!!)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN

SCENE--_A third-cla.s.s carriage._ TIME--_Three hours before the next station._ DRAMATIS PERSONae--_Jones and Robinson._

"It's the _last!_--and it's a Tandstickor. It'll only strike on the box!"

"Strike it on the box, then;--but for Heaven's sake, be careful!"

"Yes; but, like a fool, I've just pitched the box out of window!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.

_Pa.s.senger (in second cla.s.s)._ "I think I've got into the wrong carriage."

_Ticket Inspector (sternly)._ "The difference must be paid!"

_Pa.s.senger (triumphantly)._ "Oh, just so! Then I'll trouble you for three shillings--I've a first-cla.s.s ticket!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A REMINDER

_Old Lady._ "Now, porter, you're quite sure you've put all my luggage in?--the big portmantle and----"

_Porter._ "All right, mum."

_Old Lady._ "And you're certain I've not left anything behind----"

_Porter._ "No, mum, not even a copper!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: NOTES OF TRAVEL

_The Cunard "Special" full speed for London_