Mr. Punch's Country Life Part 7

FURTHER ILl.u.s.tRATION OF THE MINING DISTRICTS.--_First Polite Native._ "Who's 'im, Bill?"

_Second ditto._ "A stranger!"

_First ditto._ "'Eave 'arf a brick at 'im."

HOW TO TREAT ROUGH DIAMONDS.--Cut them!

[Ill.u.s.tration:

_District Visitor._ "Well, Mrs. Hodges, going to have a cup of tea?"

_Mrs. Hodges._ "Oh no, miss; we're just goin' to 'ave a wash!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT!

"Well, Johnson, been to the doctor, as I told you?"

"Yes, m'lord."

"And what did he say was the matter with you?"

"'E says it's just _general ability_, m'lord, that's all!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration:

SAGACITY.--_Countryman._ "Fi' pounds too much for him? He's a won'erful good sportin' daug, sir! Why, he come to a dead pint in the street, sir, close ag'in a ol' gen'leman, the other day--'fust o' September it was, sir!--an' the gen'leman told me arterwards as his name were 'Partridge'!"

_Customer._ "You don't say so!" [_Bargain struck._]

HORTICULTURE UP TO DATE

Stimulated by the recent achievements of a horticulturist, who is about to place on the market the "pomato," a blend of the apple and tomato, and the "plumcot," a mixture of plum and apricot, _Mr. Punch_ hopes soon to be able to announce the successful rearing of the following novelties:--

_The c.u.mberry._--This may be regarded either as a very long gooseberry or a very short cuc.u.mber, according to fancy. When fully ripe the skin is thin and the contents pulpy. Unripe it is like a cobble, and may be used as such. _Mr. Punch_ is disposed to think that the over-ripe c.u.mberry will be very popular at elections, especially when eggs are scarce. The hairy variety looks like a fat caterpillar, and makes very good grub.

_The Mistletato_, a happy combination of the romantic and the domestic.

This fruit, which has a very piquant flavour, has been grown in a small patch of soil, concealed, like King CHARLES, among the branches of an oak. Hence it is not surprising that the Mistletato should combine the nourishing qualities of the homely tuber with the sentimental a.s.sociations of that plant which was revered by our Druid ancestors and is beloved by modern maidens. It should be a popular dish at wedding breakfasts.

_The Pumpkonion_ promises well and seems likely to combine the amplitude of the pumpkin with the pungency of the onion. _Mr. Punch_ is of opinion that a machine will have to be invented for dealing with this vegetable, as to handle it would be too severe a tax upon the cook's lachrymal glands.

_The Turniparrot_ and the _Parsniparagus_ are not yet sufficiently developed to be described with any confidence. Many others are only in an incipient state at present, but _Mr. Punch_ hopes to be able before long to announce that he has brought several to maturity, including the Collage and the Cabbyflower.

[Ill.u.s.tration: ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.--

_Stepmother_ (_entering village school with whip_). "My boy tells me you broke your cane across his back yesterday?"

_Schoolmaster_ (_turning pale_). "Well, I--I may have struck harder than I intended, but----."

_Stepmother._ "I thought I'd make you a present of this whip. You'll find it'll last longer and do him more good!"]

A RIDDLE FROM COLNEY HATCH.--_Q._ Why have we reason to suppose that a bee is a rook?

_A._ Because.

THE ORIGIN OF RURAL DECADENCE.--Through communications corrupt good manners.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "SECOND THOUGHTS"

_Priest._ "Wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife?"

_Bridegroom Elect._ "Well, aw's warned aw'll hev to hev her. But aw wad rayther hev her sister!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _The Vicar's Daughter._ "Awfully cold, isn't it, Mrs.

Muggles?"

_Mrs. Muggles._ "Yes, my dear. But, bless ye, I'm _lovely_ and warm!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Miss Townley._ "I think the country is just sweet. I love to see the peasant returning to his humble cot, his st.u.r.dy figure outlined against the setting sun, his faithful collie by his side, and his plough upon his shoulder!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration:

_The Bishop of Lichborough_ (_who has been on a visit to a sporting squire_). "Now, I wonder if your man has remembered to put in my pastoral staff?"

_William_ (_overhearing_). "Yes, my lord. I've put your lordship's gun-case into the carriage!"]