Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour Part 9

[Ill.u.s.tration: _First Urchin._ "Fifth o' November, sir! Only a copper, sir! Jist a penny, sir!"

_Second Urchin._ "Let 'im alone. _Cawn't yer see 'e's one of the family!_"]

SONGS FOR THE NATION

"[Greek: Lays are a luxury songs essential.]"

_'Arrystophanes._

It is evident that the nation is yearning for singable songs in the 'Arry dialect. The late lamented Artemus Ward would probably have said, "Let her yearn"; but a stern sense of duty impels me to try and meet the need, created by the _Daily Chronicle_. I have a comforting impression that all that is necessary to insure correctness is to "chinge" as many "a"s as possible into "i"s. By this means I secure the "local colouring," which, by the way, has undergone a complete change since d.i.c.kens spelt Weller "with a wee, my lord." A catchword, a propos of nothing, is always useful, so I have duly provided it.

'ARRY THE OPTIMIST

I.

Oh! you should see My gal and me (Mariar is 'er nime), When we go daown To Brighton taown To 'ave a gorjus time.

She wears sich feathers in 'er 'at, She's beautiful and guy, But it ain't all beer and skittles--flat And 'ere's the reason why: _Refrine--_ She 'urries me, she worries me, To ketch the bloomin' trine; She 'ustles me, she bustles me, She grumbles 'arf the time: It's "'Arry do," and "'Arry don't,"

Which "'Arry" will, or "'Arry" won't (It goes against the grine), But-- (_Triumphantly._) We 'as a 'appy 'ollidy, We gets there all the sime.

--'Urry up, 'Arry.

II.

And when we reach The Brighton beach It's sure to pour with rine A pub is not A 'appy spot For us to set and drine Yet there we set and tike our beer And while awy the dy, Though we don't 'ave words, no bloomin' fear Mariar 'as 'er sy.

_Refrine--_ 'Er langwidge is for sangwidges, She's sorry that she cime; The weather's wrong, 'er feather's wrong, I 'as to tike the blime.

It's "'Arry" 'ere, and "'Arry" there, And "'Arry, you're a bloomin' bear,"

And "'Arry, it's a shime"-- (_Spoken._)--Which is 'ard on a feller! And then we 'as to ketch the bloomin' trine again, and she _do_ talk, but never mind-- (_Brightly._) We've 'ad a 'appy 'ollidy, We gits 'ome all the sime.

--'Urry up, 'Arry!

c.o.c.kNEY SPORT EXTRAORDINARY.

Well-known sporting character, residing at Putney, being unable to reach the moors this season, and having lost his gun, has lately amused himself by bringing down several brace of grouse by means of the Brompton omnibus.

AT THE ZOO. (A FACT).--_'Arriet (looking at the Java sparrows)._ Wot's them? Sparrerkeets?

_'Arry._ Sparrerkeets be 'anged--them's live 'umming birds.

[Ill.u.s.tration: COMMON OBJECTS OF THE SEA Sh.o.r.e.

_First seaside saddle polisher._ "Wot cheer, 'Arry? 'Ow are yer gettin'

on?"

_'Arry._ "First-rate, old pal. Only this--beggar always--b.u.mps--at the wrong--time!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: UNDER CORRECTION.

Fare. "Hans Mansions."

_Cabby._ "_Queen_ Hanne's Mansions, I suppose you mean, miss?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Penny 'add.i.c.k."

"Finen?"

"No; thick 'un!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _First Frenchman._ "Ah, mon cher ami!"

_Second Frenchman._ "Ah, c'est mon cher Alphonse!"

_British Workman._ "Bloomin' Germans!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Clerk of Booking-Office._ "There is _no_ first cla.s.s by this train, sir." _'Arry._ "Then wot are we going ter do, Bill?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Fader's gettin' better. 'E's beginnin' ter swear again!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Vendor of Pirated Songs._ "Er y'are, lidy! "Oly City', 'Bu'ful Star,' 'Hi cawn't think why Hi lubs yer, but Hi do!'"]

'ARRY ON HIS 'OLIDAY

_Being an epistle from that notorious and ubiquitous person, luxuriating for the time in rural parts, to his chum Charlie, confined in town._

Wha' cheer, my dear Charlie? 'Ow are yer? I promised I'd drop yer a line.

I'm out on the trot for a fortnit; and ain't it golumpshusly fine?