Mr. Punch On Tour Part 7

_Answer._ To follow the precedent of former Summers, and get over as much ground as possible.

_Q._ How do you manage this?

_A._ With the a.s.sistance of a ticket guaranteed to make distance a greater consideration than scenery.

_Q._ Is it necessary to examine the places _en route_ with much careful consideration?

_A._ Certainly not, as the Guide-book of the place visited will supply the compulsory omissions.

_Q._ What are compulsory omissions?

_A._ Objects of interest left out for want of time to give them an inspection.

_Q._ How long would you give St. Peter's at Rome?

_A._ A quarter of an hour, and the Colosseum at the same place ten minutes.

_Q._ Could you not spare more time than this from your holiday?

_A._ No; for luncheon and dinner have to be taken into consideration in the touring table.

_Q._ What object of interest would you examine in the Land of the Midnight Sun?

_A._ The sun at midnight, if it happened to be shining.

_Q._ And if you visited the Rhine by the railway, what object of interest would chiefly attract your attention?

_A._ The interior of the compartment in which you happened to be travelling.

_Q._ What advantage would you derive from your tour?

_A._ The satisfaction of explaining to non-tourists where you had been rather than what you had seen.

_Q._ Do you consider that your mind would derive much benefit from your rapid locomotion?

_A._ Not much, nor my body either.

_Q._ But I presume your outing would justify the t.i.tle of this Vade Mec.u.m?

_A._ Most certainly; because, by the end of your journey, you might accurately describe your condition as one who had been reduced to a skeleton.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Nervous Tourist._ "Stop, driver, stop! There's something wrong! I am sure a wheel's coming off!"

_Driver._ "Arrah, be aisy then, yer honour. Sure, it's the same one's been comin' off thin these three days back!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: (_Sketched on the pier just after the arrival of the boat._)

_'Arry_ (_viewing stormy sea in a mutoscope_). "My eye, Maria, come an'

'ave a look 'ere. The motion of the waives is simply grand!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A CONTINENTAL TRIP.--_First Man_ (_tasting beer_).

"Hullo! I ordered lager. This isn't lager!"

_Second Man_ (_tasting_). "No; but it's jolly good, all the same!"

_Third Man_ (_tasting_). "C'est magnifique! mais ce n'est pas lager-r-r!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ON THE GRAND TOUR.--Scene--_Staircase of the Palazzo Bianco._--(_Enter the Joneses of London._) _Chorus of Maidens._ "O, ma, dear! O, papa! do look! _Isn't_ this charming? _Isn't_ it delightful?

Only fancy--the _Bragginton Smiths_ were here last month!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE FAULT OF THE FOWL

SCENE--_Coffee-Room, Hotel, Guernsey._

_Visitor_ (_gazing at a guinea-fowl's egg_). "Waiter! Can you tell me what egg this is?"

_Waiter._ "Oh, sir, it's a Guernsey egg. They sometimes lays them like that. It's not done in the boiling!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: CORRECTED.--_Lady Tourist_ (_doing the cathedrals of Scotland_). "This is _Gothic_, isn't it, John?"

_Juvenile Vendor of "Guides"_ (_severely_). "No, mem, _this is Presbyterian_."]

At HOMBURG-V.-D.-H.--_Colonel Twister_ (_in the hotel smoking-room_).

Yes! I once played a game of pool at Senecarabad, holding the cue in my teeth, and captured all the loot!

_Captain Longbow._ Pooh! That's nothing! About a month ago I matched myself at sh.e.l.l-out against Fred Fandango, and clutching the cue between my toes, walked in lying on my back!

_Colonel Twister_ (_taken unawares_). But how the deuce did you manage to see the table?

_Captain Longbow._ See the table? Why, had the cloth lighted with Rontgen rays, of course! Saw through the slate!

[_The Colonel abruptly says "Good Night" to the company, and leaves for Schlangenbad next morning._