Mr. Punch on the Warpath Part 5

[Ill.u.s.tration: TECHNICAL EDUCATION IN THE ARMY.

_Officer_ (_examining a Mounted Infantry cla.s.s_). "Well, I think you understand about the hoof and what the frog is. Now, just tell me where you would expect to find corns?"

_Mounted Infantry Recruit_ (_suspecting a catch_). "In the manger, sir."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MILITARY INTELLIGENCE.

_Musketry Instructor_ (_who wishes, by simple practical examples, to bring the fact of the air's resistance and elasticity to the mind of intelligent pupil, No. 450, Private Jones_), _loq._ "For instance, you have seen an air-cushion, and felt that it contained something you could not compress. What was it?"

_Private Jones_ (_readily_). "'Orse 'air, sir!"

[_Enthusiastic instructor tries again._

[Ill.u.s.tration: DIVERSIONS OF DRILL (1860).

_Captain of Volunteers._ "Dress back, No. 3, do dress back. Comp'ny!

Fours! As y' were! No. 3, Mr. Buffles, how often am I to speak to you, sir? Will you dress back, sir; further still, sir. You are not dressed exactly yet, sir, by a----"

_Buffles_ (_goaded to madness_). "Bet yer five pounds I am--there!"]

LATEST WAR INTELLIGENCE

[Ill.u.s.tration]

In the House of Commons, and elsewhere, the Secretary of State for War is accustomed to have appeals made to him to a.s.sist in providing facilities for the engagement and remunerative occupation of soldiers and non-commissioned officers no longer on active service. We are glad to notice, from the subjoined advertis.e.m.e.nt, which appeared in the _Daily News_, that the public themselves are taking the matter in hand:--

TWO GENERALS WANTED, as Cook and Housemaid for one lady. Light, comfortable situation. Good wages.--Apply, &c.

The advertiser, it will be observed, flies at higher rank than that usually considered in this connection. But the situation is "light" and "comfortable," with "good wages" pertaining, and she has some right to look for applicants of superior station. We presume that on festive occasions the gallant officers would be expected to don their uniforms.

Few things would be more striking than to see a general, probably wearing his war medals, sweeping the front door-step, whilst through the kitchen window a glimpse was caught of a brother officer, in full tog, larding a pheasant.

By the courtesy of the Admiralty H.M.S. _Buzzard_ has been anch.o.r.ed as a permanent guardship of honour immediately opposite the approach to _Mr Punch's_ offices in Bouverie Street. The compliment is much appreciated.

Further changes in our Navy are announced. Chaplains are to be abolished, and the navigating officers are to include in their duties those of sky-pilots.

A c.o.c.kNEY'S QUESTION ON THE NAVY.--Does a Port Admiral mean an Admiral who is laid down for a long series of years, and not decanted for service till he is very old?

A JOVIAL CREW.--Jack Tars in a jolly-boat.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IN THE SICK BAY.

_Fleet Surgeon._ "There doesn't seem much wrong with you, my man. What's the matter?"

_A. B._ "Well, sir, it's like this, sir. I _eats_ well, an' I _drinks_ well, an' I _sleeps_ well; but when I sees a job of work--there, I'm all of a tremble!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: FIELD TRAINING NOTES.--(_Aldershot._) _General_ (_to Irish recruit_). "Can you tell me how many species of pack animals there are?"

(_No answer._)

_General._ "Well, do you know _any_ kind of pack animal?"

_Recruit_ (_inspired by recollection of many days' pack-drill_.) "Yes, sorr. A defaulter, sorr!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Colonel_ (_who is taking a turn round to see how his subs are getting along with their road sketching_). "You know, this won't do. You should be able to _ride_ about the country, and make sketches as you go."

_Jones_ (_not getting along at all nicely, thank you_). "Well, sir, if I could do that, sir, I should chuck up the army, and join a circus!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "COULDN'T MAKE 'UN SPEAK."

_Infuriated C. O. 10th V. B. Mudfordshire Fusiliers_ (_who has ordered bugler to sound the "Cease fire" several times without effect_). "Don't you hear me, fellow? Why the deuce don't you sound the 'Cease fire' when I tell you?"

_His Bugler._ "If ye plaze, zur, a've blowed a quid o' bacca down spout t'ould trumputt, awn I can't make un speak!"]

SOLDIERS OF MISFORTUNE

["Colonel Crofton, commanding the Eastern District, has decided that the 'quiff' is 'unsoldierly,' and 'disfiguring,' and has ukased its abolition. The 'quiff' is the forelock worn by Mr.

Thomas Atkins."--_Pall Mall Gazette._]

_Letter from a Private in the British Army to a Private in the German Army._

Dere Ole Sauerkraut,--Ow' 're yer going along? Jest a line from the Eastern Distric' to tell yer that we've all got the fair 'ump. An' I'm blest if our colonel ain't an' been pitchin' on our 'air. When we 'is in the fightin' line they yells, "Keep your 'air on, boys!" but when we gets 'ome, sweet 'ome, they says take it orf. There's 'air! I must tell yer we wears a hartful curl on our forrids wot is knowed as a "quiff,"

and I give yer my word it's a little bit ov orl rite! Susan (with lots o' cash as bein' only daughter of a plumber), wot I walks out with, simply 'angs on to it with both 'ands, so to speak. Well, our colonel says the "quiff" is "unsoldierly" and "disfiguring," and we 'ave got to bloomin' well lop it orf, no hank. This busts my charnst with Susan.