Mr. Punch on the Warpath Part 3

2. No squabbling in the ranks, as to whose turn it is to shoot, shall be allowed by the commanding officer, and his decision shall be final.

3. The other nine men, whilst awaiting their turn, must stand at "attention," and scowl fiercely at the enemy.

4. Where the commanding officer, in his discretion, sees opportunity for so doing, he shall employ several men simultaneously, to fire the rifle--_i.e._ one to hold the rifle to his shoulder, a second to close his left eye, and a third to pull the trigger. This plan would leave only seven men out of ten unemployed.

5. The above-named seven would be at liberty to throw things at the enemy whilst awaiting their turn for the rifle.

6. In actual warfare, the commanding officer may request the enemy to wait a reasonable time whilst the solitary rifle is handed round, after being fired off.

7. Whilst an attack is going on, the unemployed men of a company shall not be allowed to leave the ranks to play, but should be encouraged to take an intelligent interest in the shooting prowess of their solitary comrade.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _North Cork Militia Man._ "Am I to shalute him, or no?

Begor. I wondher if he's a sarvan'-man or a giniral."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE IMPERIAL YEOMANRY.

_Recruit._ "Look 'ere, mister, it ain't no good. This saddle won't go on this 'ere 'orse. I got it over is 'ead all right, but I can't get 'is legs through nohow!"]

THE NECESSARY KIT

["A housewife will in future form part of the free kit of necessaries."--_Army Order._]

It 'as long been my opinion, as a sodger and a man, That I couldn't get on proper, not without yer, Sairey Ann.

Well, now 'ere's the latest horder--just yer take a read of it-- That a housewife shall be a portion of the necessary kit.

Oh, them horders! Ain't I cussed 'em! Oh, the shockin' words I've said!

But now for once, my Sairey, I'm a-blessin' 'em instead.

Yus, they misses pretty horfen, but at last they've made a hit, For yer going to be a portion of my necessary kit.

They're to serve out housewifes gratis, an' I only 'opes, my pet, That they'll let us Tommies choose ourselves the gals we wants to get, 'Twould be takin' of the gildin' off the gingerbread a bit If I got yer mar, for instance, in my necessary kit.

But we'll 'ope the best, my Sairey, though yer can't for certain tell, And I ain't got much opinion of them parties in Pall Mall, But for once they've put a bullet in the bull's eye, I'll admit, If they makes my Sairey portion of my necessary kit.

"ADVANCE NOTES" (_Military_).--The bugler's.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Boatswain_ (_to newly-joined cadet_). "Come, my little man, you mustn't cry on board of one of His Majesty's ships of war. Did your mother cry when you left?"

_Cadet._ "Yes, sir."

_Boatswain._ "Silly old woman! And did your sister cry?"

_Cadet._ "Yes, sir."

_Boatswain._ "Stupid little thing! And did your father cry?"

_Cadet._ "No, sir."

_Boatswain._ "'Ard-'earted old beggar!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE," &c.

_Fair Visitor_ (_with a thirst for military knowledge_). "So all the kitchens are behind those buildings. How very interesting! And how many pounds of meat do your men eat a day?"

_Gallant Major._ "Really--er--I've no--er--idea, I'm sure, don't y'know."

_Fair Visitor._ "But I thought you were in the provisional battalion!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Officer_ (_to Irish sentry on guard tent_). "Why don't you face your proper front, sentry?"

_Sentry._ "Sure, yer honour, the tint's round. Divil a front it's got!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SANDHURST AND ITS MESSES.

_General Bouncer_ (_on a round of inspection at Sandhurst_). "Augh! Can you tell me what 'mess' this is?"

_Cadet._ "Well, they call it 'mutton,' but I wouldn't vouch for it!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A VOLUNTEER REVIEW (1865)

The portrait of Private O'Locker on finding his billet is at a teetotal hotel.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: EXPLAINED.--_Auntie_ (_explaining morning manoeuvres of His Majesty's Life Guards on their way to relieve guard at Whitehall_).

"Don't you see? There's two, and then there's one, and then there's the whole lot--and then there's two more!"

[Youthful niece sees.