Mr. Punch in Bohemia - novelonlinefull.com
You’re read light novel Mr. Punch in Bohemia Part 10 online at NovelOnlineFull.com. Please use the follow button to get notification about the latest chapter next time when you visit NovelOnlineFull.com. Use F11 button to read novel in full-screen(PC only). Drop by anytime you want to read free – fast – latest novel. It’s great if you could leave a comment, share your opinion about the new chapters, new novel with others on the internet. We’ll do our best to bring you the finest, latest novel everyday. Enjoy
A MUSICAL BURGLAR.--One who breaks into a tune.
[Ill.u.s.tration: HE KNEW HIS WORK
_Proprietor of Travelling Menagerie._ "Are you used to looking after horses and other animals?"
_Applicant for Job._ "Yessir. Been used to 'orses all my life."
_P. O. T. M._ "What steps would you take if a lion got loose?"
_A. F. J._ "Good long 'uns, mister!"]
MAY BE HEARD EVERYWHERE.--"Songs without words"--a remarkable performance; but perhaps a still more wonderful feat is playing upon words.
SUBSt.i.tUTES FOR PROFANE SWEARING
(_Adapted to various Sorts and Conditions of Men_)
_Lawyer._ Tax my bill.
_Doctor._ Dash my draughts.
_Soldier_. Snap my stock.
_Parson._ Starch my surplice.
_Bricklayer._ I'll be plastered.
_Bricklayer's Labourer._ Chop my hod.
_Carpenter._ Saw me.
_Plumber and Glazier._ Solder my pipes. Smash my panes.
_Painter._ I'm daubed.
_Brewer._ I'm mashed.
_Engineer._ Burst my boiler.
_Stoker._ Souse my c.o.ke.
_Costermonger._ Rot my taturs.
_Dramatic Author._ Steal my French Dictionary.
_Actor._ I'll be hissed.
_Tailor._ Cut me out. Cook my goose.
_Linendraper._ Soil my silks. Sell me off.
_Grocer._ Squash my figs. Sand my sugar. Seize my scales.
_Baker._ Knead my dough. Scorch my m.u.f.fins.
_Auctioneer._ Knock me down.
"THE PLAYERS ARE COME!"--_First Player_ (_who has had a run of ill-luck_). I'm regularly haunted by the recollection of my losses at baccarat.
_Second Player._ Quite Shakespearian! "Banco's ghost."
SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR.--(_From the Literary Club Smoking-room._) _Cynicus._ I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in order to write my reminiscences?
_Amicus._ Ah, but remember. "_De mortuis nil nisi bonum._"
_Cynicus._ Quite so. I shall tell nothing but exceedingly good stories about them.
A CONTRADICTION.--In picture exhibitions, the observant spectator is struck by the fact that works hung on the line are too often below the mark.
A "LIGHT" REPAST.--A feast of lanterns.
[Ill.u.s.tration: R. A. GEMS.--_Fair Amateur_ (_to carpenter_). "My picture is quite hidden with that horrid ticket on it. Can't you fix it on the frame?" _Carpenter._ "Why, you'll spoil the frame, mum!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Jones._ "Do you drink between meals?"
_Smith._ "No. I eat between drinks."
_Jones._ "Which did you do last?"
_Smith._ "Drink."
