Mr. Punch Awheel Part 7

"No; but I saw exactly what she was wearing and how much she paid for the things!"

THE MOTORS' DEFENCE UNION

A Pedestrians' Protection League is being formed to uphold the rights of foot-pa.s.sengers on the highways. As no bane is without its antidote, an opposition union is to be organised, having in view the adoption of the following regulations:--

1. Every pedestrian must carry on his front and back a large and conspicuous number as a means of easy and rapid identification.

2. No foot pa.s.senger shall quit the side-walk, except at certain authorised crossings. In country lanes and places where there is no side-walk the ditch shall be considered equivalent to the same.

3. Each foot-pa.s.senger about to make use of such authorised crossings shall thrice sound a danger-signal on a hooter, fog-horn or megaphone; and, after due warning has thus been given, shall traverse the road at a speed of not less than twelve miles an hour.

The penalty for infringement to be forty shillings or one month.

4. Any pedestrian obstructing a motor by being run over, causing a motor to slow down or stop, or otherwise deranging the traffic, shall be summarily dealt with: the punishment for this offence to be five years' penal servitude, dating from arrest or release from hospital, as the case may be.

5. Should the pedestrian thus trespa.s.sing on the highway lose his life in an encounter with a motor-car, he shall not be liable to penal servitude; compensation for shock and loss of time, however, shall be paid from his estate to the driver of the car, such amount being taxed by the coroner.

6. All cattle, sheep, pigs, swine, hares, rabbits, conies, and other ground game, and every goose, duck, fowl, or any animal whatsoever with which the motor shall collide shall, _ipso facto_, be confiscated to the owner of the motor.

7. Any comment, remark, reflection, sneer or innuendo concerning the shape, speed, appearance, noise, smell, or other attribute of a motor-car, or of its occupants, shall be actionable; and every foot-pa.s.senger thus offending shall be bound over in the sum of 500 to keep the peace.

The Scotchman who tumbled off a bicycle says that in future he intends to "let wheel alone."

Ill.u.s.tration: _Mabel's three bosom Friends_ (_all experts--who have run round to see the Christmas gift_). "Hullo, Mab!. Why, what on earth are you doing?"

_Mab_ (_in gasps_). "Oh--you see--it was awfully kind of the Pater to give it to me--but I have to look after it myself--and I knew I should _never have breath enough to blow the tyres out_!"

Ill.u.s.tration: AN ACCOMMODATING PARTY.--_Lady Driver._ "Can you show us the way to Great Missenden, please?"

_Weary Willie._ "Cert'nly, miss, cert'nly. We're agoin' that way. 'Op up, Joe. Anythink to oblige a lady!"

Among the correspondence in the _Daily Mail_ on the subject of "The Motor Problem," there is a letter from a physician, who exposes very cynically a scheme for improving his practice.

"I am," he says, "a country doctor, and during the last five years have had not a single case of accident to pedestrians caused by motor car....

As soon as I can afford it I intend to buy a motor."

Ill.u.s.tration: HOW NOT

_Bikist._ "Now then, Ethel, see me make a spurt round this corner."

Ill.u.s.tration: TO DO IT

_First Villager._ "What's up, Bill?"

_Second Villager._ "Oh, only a gent awashin' the dust off his bike."

It is a bad workman who complains of his tools, yet even the best of them may be justly annoyed when his spanner goes completely off its nut.

"Motor cycle for sale, 2-3/4 h.-p., equal to 3-1/4 h.-p."

_--Provincial Paper._

Discount of 1/2 h.-p. for cash?

SONG OF THE SCORCHER.

(_After reading the Protests and Plans of the Cyclophobists_)

I know I'm a "scorcher," I know I am torcher To buffers and mivvies who're not up to date; But grumpy old geesers, and wobbly old wheezers, Ain't goin' to wipe me and my wheel orf the slate.

I mean to go spinning and 'owling and grinning At twelve mile an hour through the thick of the throng.

And shout, without stopping, whilst, frightened and flopping, My elderly victims like ninepins are dropping,-- "So long!"

The elderly bobby, who's stuffy and cobby, Ain't got arf a chance with a scorcher on wheels; Old buffers may bellow, and young gals turn yellow, But what do I care for their grunts or their squeals?

No, when they go squiffy I'm off in a jiffy, The much-abused "scorcher" is still going strong.

And when mugs would meddle, I shout as I pedal-- "So long!"

Wot are these fine capers perposed by the papers?

These 'ints about la.s.sos and b.u.t.terfly nets?

To turn scorcher-catchers the old pewter-s.n.a.t.c.hers In 'elmets must take fewer stodges and wets!

Wot, treat _hus_ like bufflers or beetles! The scufflers In soft, silent shoes, turn Red Injins? You're wrong!

It's all bosh and bubble! I'm orf--at the double!-- "So long!"

Ill.u.s.tration: _Owner_ (_as the car insists upon backing into a dike_).

"Don't be alarmed! Keep cool! Try and keep cool!"

[_Friend thinks there is every probability of their keeping VERY cool, whether they try to or not!_