Mr. Punch at the Seaside Part 21

_First Admiring Matron_ (_in audience_). I do like to see the children kep' out o' mischief like this, instead o' goin' paddling and messing about the sands!

_Second Ad. Mat._ Just what _I_ say, my dear--they're amused and edjucated 'ow to beyave at the same time!

_First Politician_ (_with the "Standard"_). No, but look here--when Gladstone was asked in the House whether he proposed to give the Dublin Parliament the control of the police, what was his answer. Why....

_The n.i.g.g.e.rs_ (_striking up chorus_). "'Rum-tumty diddly-umty doodah-dey! Rum-tumty-diddly-um was all that he could say. And the Members and the Speaker joined together in the lay. Of 'Rum-tumty-diddly-umty doodah-dey!'"

_Second Pol._ (_with the "Star"_). Well, and what more would you have _'ad_ him say? Come, now!

_Alf_ (_who has had quite enough ale at dinner--to his fiancee_). These n.i.g.g.e.rs ain't up to much Loo. Can't sing for _nuts_!

_Chorley_ (_his friend, perfidiously_). You'd better go in and show 'em how, old man. Me and Miss Serge'll stay and see you take the shine out of 'em!

_Alf._ P'raps you think I can't. But, if I was to go upon the 'Alls now, I should make my fortune in no time! Loo's 'eard me when I've been in form, and she'll tell you----

_Miss Serge._ Well, I will say there's many a professional might learn a lesson from Alf--whether Mr. Perkins believes it or not.

[_Cuttingly, to "Chorley"._

_Chorley._ Now reelly, Miss Loo, don't come down on a feller like that.

I want to see him do you credit, that's all, and he couldn't 'ave a better opportunity to distinguish himself--now _could_ he?

_Miss Serge._ _I'm_ not preventing him. But I don't know--these n.i.g.g.e.rs keep themselves very select, and they might object to it.

_Alf._ I'll soon square _them_. You keep your eye on me, and I'll make things a bit livelier!

[_He enters the circle._

_Miss Serge_ (_admiringly_). He has got a cheek, I must say! Look at him, dancing there along with those two n.i.g.g.e.rs--they don't hardly know what to make of him yet!

_Chorley._ Do you notice how they keep kicking him beyind on the sly like? I wonder he puts up with it!

_Miss S._ He'll be even with them presently--you see if he isn't.

[_Alf attempts to twirl a tambourine on his finger, and lets it fall; derision from audience; Bones pats him on the head and takes the tambourine away--at which Alf only smiles feebly._

_Chorley._ It's a pity he gets so 'ot dancing, and he don't seem to keep in step with the others.

_Miss S._ (_secretly disappointed_). He isn't used to doing the double-shuffle on sand, that's all.

_The Conductor._ Bones, I observe we have a recent addition to our company. Perhaps he'll favour us with a solo. (_Aside to Bones._) 'Oo _is_ he? 'Oo let him in 'ere--_you_?

_Bones._ _I_ dunno. I thought _you_ did. Ain't he stood nothing?

_Conductor._ Not a bra.s.s farden!

_Bones_ (_outraged_). All right, you leave him to me. (_To Alf._) Kin it be? That necktie! them familiar coat-b.u.t.tons! that paper-d.i.c.ky! You are--you _are_ my long-lost convick son, 'ome from Portland! Come to these legs! (_He embraces Alf, and smothers him with kisses._) Oh, you've been and rubbed off some of your cheek on my complexion--you _dirty_ boy! (_He playfully "bashes" Alf's hat in._) Now show the comp'ny how pretty you can sing. (_Alf attempts a music-hall ditty, in which he, not unnaturally, breaks down._) It ain't my son's fault, Ladies and Gentlemen, it's all this little gal in front here, lookin' at him and makin' him shy! (_To a small Child, severely._) You oughter know _worse_, you ought! (_Clumps of seaweed and paper-b.a.l.l.s are thrown at Alf who by this time is looking deplorably warm and foolish._) Oh, what a popilar fav'rite he is, to be sure!

_Chorley_ (_to Miss S._). Poor fellow, he ain't no match for those n.i.g.g.e.rs--not like he is now! Hadn't I better go to the rescue, Miss Loo?

_Miss S._ (_pettishly_). I'm sure I don't care _what_ you do.

[_"Chorley" succeeds, after some persuasion, in removing the unfortunate Alf._

_Alf_ (_rejoining his fiancee with a grimy face, a smashed hat, and a pathetic attempt at a grin_). Well? I _done_ it, you see!

_Miss S._ (_crushingly_). Yes, you _have_ done it! And the best thing you can do now, is to go home and wash your face. _I_ don't care to be seen about with a _laughing-stock_, I can a.s.sure you! I've had my dignity lowered quite enough as it is!

_Alf._ But look 'ere, my dear girl, I can't leave you here all by yourself you know!

_Miss S._ I dare say Mr. Perkins will take care of me.

[_Mr. P. a.s.sents, with effusion._

_Alf_ (_watching them move away--with bitterness_). I wish all n.i.g.g.e.rs were put down by Act of Parliament, I do! Downright noosances--that's what _they_ are!

[Ill.u.s.tration: STOPPING AT A WATERING PLACE]

[Ill.u.s.tration: EAST-BORN]

[Ill.u.s.tration: WEST-BORN]

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TAKING IN SAIL]

DELAYS ARE DANGEROUS.--_Young Housekeeper._ "I'm afraid those soles I bought of you yesterday were not fresh. My husband said they were not nice at all!"

_Brighton Fisherman._ "Well, marm, that be your fault--it bean't mine.

I've offered 'em yer every day this week, and you might a' 'ad 'em o'

Monday if you'd a loiked!"

AT MARGATE.--_Angelina_ (_very poetical, surveying the rolling ocean_).

"Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink."