Mr. Punch at the Seaside Part 11

The Parliament should pa.s.s a law, Which there's sufficient reason; That folks as wear the Sheenions should Bathe reg'lar in the season.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A LANCASHIRE WATERING-PLACE]

"MERRY MARGIT"

(_Another communication from the side of the dear sea waves_)

I was told it was greatly improved--that there were alterations in the sea-front suggestive of the best moments of the Thames Embankment--that quite "smart" people daily paraded the pier. So having had enough of "Urn-bye", I moved on. The improvements scarcely made themselves felt at the railway station. Seemingly they had not attracted what Mr. Jeames would call "the upper suckles." There were the customary British middle-cla.s.s matron from Peckham, looking her sixty summers to the full in a sailor hat; the seaside warrior first cousin to the billiard-marker captain with flashy rings, beefy hands, and a stick of pantomime proportions, and the theatrical lady whose connection with the stage I imagine was confined to capering before the footlights. However, they all were there, as I had seen them any summer these twenty years.

But I had been told to go to the Pier, and so to the Pier I went, glancing on my way at the entertainers on the sands, many of whom I found to be old friends. Amongst them was the "h"-less phrenologist, whose insight into character apparently satisfied the parents of any child whose head he selected to examine. Thus, if he said that a particularly stupid-looking little boy would make a good architect, schoolmaster, or traveller for fancy goods, a gentleman in an alpaca-coat and a wide-awake hat would bow gratified acquiescence, a demonstration that would also be evoked from a lady in a dust cloak, when the lecturer insisted that a giggling little girl would make a "first-rate dressmaker and cutter-out."

Arrived at the Pier, I found there was twopence to pay for the privilege of using the extension, which included a restaurant, a band, some talented fleas, and a shop with a window partly devoted to the display of gla.s.s tumblers, engraved with legends of an amusing character, such as "Good old Mother-in-Law", "Jack's Night Cap", "Aunt Julia's Half Pint", and so on. There were a number of seats and shelters, and below the level of the shops was a landing-stage, at which twice a day two steamers from or to London removed or landed pa.s.sengers. During the rest of the four-and-twenty hours it seemed to be occupied by a solitary angler, catching chiefly seaweed. The Band, in spite of its uniform, was not nearly so military as that at "Urn Bye." It contained a pianoforte--an instrument upon which I found the young gentleman who sold the programmes practising during a pause between the morning's selection and the afternoon's performances. But still the Band was a very tuneful one, and increased the pleasure that the presence of so many delightful promenaders was bound to produce. Many of the ladies who walked round and round, talking courteously to 'Arry in all his varieties, wore men's _habits_, _pur et simple_ (giving them the semblance of appearing in their shirt-sleeves), while their heads were adorned with fair wigs and sailor hats, apparently fixed on together.

These free-and-easy-looking damsels did not seem to find favour in the eyes of certain other ladies of a sedater type, who regarded them (over their novels) with undisguised contempt. These other ladies, I should think, from their conversation and appearance, must have been the very flowers of the flock of Brixton Rise, and the _creme de la creme_ of Peckham Rye society. Of course there were a number of more or less known actors and actresses from London, some of them enjoying a brief holiday, and others engaged in the less lucrative occupation of "resting."

However, the dropping of "h's", even to the accompaniment of sweet music, sooner or later becomes monotonous, and so, after awhile, I was glad to leave the Pier for the attractions of the Upper Cliff. On my way I pa.s.sed a Palace of Pleasure or Varieties, or Something wherein a twopenny wax-work show seemed at the moment to be one of its greatest attractions. This show contained a Chamber of Horrors, a scene full of quiet humour of Napoleon the Third Lying in State, and an old effigy of George the Third. The collection included the waxen head of a Nonconformist minister, who, according to the lecturer, had been "wery good to the poor", preserved in a small deal-box. There was also the "Key-Dyevie" of Egypt, General Gordon, and Mrs. Maybrick. Tearing myself away from these miscellaneous memories of the past, I ascended to the East Cliff, which had still the "apartments-furnished" look that was wont to distinguish it of yore. There was no change there; and as I walked through the town, which once, as a watering-place, was second only in importance to Bath,--which a century ago had for its M.C. a rival of Beau Nash,--I could not help thinking how astonished the ghosts of the fine ladies and gentlemen who visited "Meregate" in 1789 must be, if they are able to see their successors of to-day--"Good Old Chawlie Cadd", and Miss Topsie Stuart Plantagenet, _nee_ Tompkins.

[Ill.u.s.tration: DEAL]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "NICE FOR THE VISITORS"

(Sketch outside a fashionable hotel)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Boy_ (_to Brown, who is exceedingly proud of his sporting appearance_). "Want a donkey, mister?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: INCORRIGIBLE

_Visitor._ "Well, my man, I expect it must have cost you a lot of money to paint your nose that colour!"

_Reprobate._ "Ah, an' if Oi cud affoord it, Oi'd have it _varnished_ now!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE"

_Materfamilias_ (_just arrived at Shrimpville--the children had been down a month before_). "Well, Jane, have you found it dull?"

_Nurse._ "It was at fust, M'm. There was nothink to improve the mind, M'm, till the n.i.g.g.e.rs come down!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: BY THE SAD SEA WAVES

"But, are you sure?"

"Yus, lady. 'E's strong as an 'orse!"

"But how am I to get on?"

"Oh, _I'll lift yer_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: DELICATE ATTENTION

_Confiding Spinster._ "I'm afraid the sea is too cold for me this morning, Mr. Swabber."

_Bathing Man._ "Cold, miss! Lor' bless yer, I just took and powered a kittle o' bilin' water in to take the chill off when I see you a comin'!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HOLIDAY PLEASURES

_Injured Individual._ "Heigho! I _did_ think I should find some refuge from the miseries of the seaside in the comforts of a bed! Just look where my feet are, Maria!"

_His Wife._ "_Well_, John! it's _only_ for a _month_, you know!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: BLIGHTED HOPES

_Extract of letter from Laura to Lillie_:--"I declare, dear, I never gave the absurd creature the slightest encouragement. I did say, one evening, I thought the little sandy coves about Wobbleswick were charming, especially one. _The idea!_--of his thinking I was alluding to him!"----&c., &c.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SENSITIVE

"I think I told you, in my letter of the first of October, of his absurd interpretation of an innocent remark of mine about the sandy sh.o.r.es of Wobbleswick. Well, would you believe it, dear! we were strolling on the Esplanade, the other day, when he suddenly left Kate and me, and took himself off in a tremendous huff because we said we liked walking _with an object_!!"

[_Extract from a later letter of Laura's to Lillie._

[Ill.u.s.tration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS