Mr Punch Afloat Part 10

In the coffee-room still you may eat what you will, Such as chicken, beef, mutton, or brawn, Jam and marmalade too, but, whatever you do, Don't attempt to eat jam on the lawn.

Young Jones and his bride sought the cool river side, And she said, as she skipped like a fawn, "As it _is_, it is nice, but 'twould be paradise, Could we only have jam on the lawn!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE THAMES

(Development of the houseboat system)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "DOWN IN THE DEEP"

Fun at Henley Regatta. Bertie attempts to extricate his punt from the crowd.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "I say, you girls, we shall be over in a second, and if you can't swim better than you punt, I'm afraid I shan't be able to save both of you!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A PLEDGED M.P. (1869).

_M.P.'s Bride._ "Oh! William, dear--if you are--a Liberal--do bring in a Bill--next Session--for that underground tunnel!!"]

THE YACHTING SEASON

(_Examination for a Master's Certificate_)

1. Can you dance a hornpipe? If so, which? (_Viva voce._) If dancing unaccompanied by fiddle, whistle the first eight bars of College Hornpipe. Also, dance the three first figures of the hornpipe, announcing the distinctive name of each beforehand.

2. Explain the terms "Ahoy!" "Avast!" "Belay!" Whence derived? Also of "Splice my main-brace." Is "main-brace" a part of rigging, or of sailor's costume? Which? If neither, what? Is "Lubber" a term of opprobrium or of endearment? State varieties of "Lubber." Give derivations of the terms "b.u.m-boat woman," "Marlin' spike," "Son of a sea-cook," "Dash my lee-scuppers!" "Pipe your eye," "Tip us your grapplin' iron."

3. How many mates may a sea captain legally possess at any one time?

4. Is "s.e.xtant" the feminine of "s.e.xton"?

5. How often do "the red magnetic pole" and "the blue pole" require repainting? At whose expense is the operation performed?

6. Are only Royal Academicians eligible as "painters" on board?

7. Is it the duty of the surgeon on board ship to attend the "heeling"?

8. In case the needles of the compa.s.s get out of order, will pins do as well?

9. At what time in the day, whether previous or subsequent to dinner, is it necessary to "allow for deviations"?

10. Draw a picture of "Three Belles." Give cla.s.sic ill.u.s.tration from the story of Paris.

11. What rule is there as to showing lights on nearing Liverpool?

12. When in doubt, would you consult "the visible horizon," "the sensible horizon," or "the rational horizon"? Give reason for your selection.

13. Can sailors ever trust "the artificial horizon"? If so, under what circ.u.mstances?

14. Is "Azimuth" an idol, or something to eat?

15. Would "mean time" always refer to lowering wages or diminishing rations?

16. Presuming you know all about the "complement of an arc," explain that of Noah's.

17. Who was "Parallax"? Give a brief sketch of his career.

18. Give example of "meridian alt.i.tude of a celestial object," by drawing a picture of the Chinese giant who was over here some time ago.

19. Give history of "the Poles." Who was Kosciusko? Is this spelling of his name correct?

20. "Civil time." Ill.u.s.trate this term from English history.

21. Can a "first mate's ordinary certificate" be granted by Doctors'

Commons or the Archbishop of Canterbury?

(_On these questions being satisfactorily answered, the next Examination Paper will be issued._)

[Ill.u.s.tration: THAMES TRAGEDIES

Jones says there is only one _really_ safe way of changing places in a skiff!]

[Ill.u.s.tration: DE GUSTIBUS, ETC.

_Philosophical Sea-faring Party_ (_who manages our friend's yacht_).

"Well, ladies and genelmen, I s'pose this is what _you_ calls _pleasure_, and comes all the way from London for?"

[_Brown, the funny man, with the eye-gla.s.s, thinks it an _Idyachtic_ kind of pleasure, but is actually too far gone to say so._

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Nice piece o' biled mutton, sir?"]