Mr Nice_ An Autobiography Part 24

Moynihan gave one of his characteristic and loud forced laughs.

'No, no, no. I thought you might be about to ask me about him. Joe Smith was actually the first person ever to smuggle marijuana into Australia. You see, I do know some interesting characters, what! I suspect Joe still smuggles marijuana into Australia. He is also growing it here in the Philippines, using, I think, seeds from Thailand. Would that make some sort of sense?'

It made perfect sense to me. Joe sounded interesting.

'Now, Howard, he's been wanting to meet you for some time. We were both delighted when Phil told us he had persuaded you to come here. You have now been introduced to each other. Please feel free to do business with each other. I would be grateful for some sort of commission, of course, but how much, I leave to you.

'Howard, again I'll be blunt. I've lived here for seventeen years and know everyone who matters in the Philippines. Elizabeth Marcos is a very close friend of mine, as are quite a number of those in power. Whatever you want done here, and I think I do mean whatever, you can rest a.s.sured that I am more likely to be able to facilitate it than anyone else. For example, I was able to secure for Joe a large area of land in Mountain Province for his agricultural activities. He says it's ideal for his purposes. It was easy for me, actually, because my summer residence is in Baguio, right at the edge of Mountain Province. Manila is far too hot in the summer. If there's anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate.'

'Tony, do you have any pull with Philippine Airlines?'

'Of course. Why?'

'Well from time to time I'm a travel agent. My company specialises in China. I've just come back from Beijing. I came here on Philippine Airlines from Bangkok and noticed that they had just started a service between Manila and Beijing. As Philippine Airlines also fly from Manila to London, we could offer our customers an alternative airline to fly from London to China, with perhaps a couple of days' stopover in the Philippines.'

'Well, Howard, I must say it wasn't the sort of thing I had in mind from you. But, yes, Ramon Cruz, who runs Philippine Airlines, has been a friend of mine for years. I could easily have had him here for lunch today. He'd have come at the drop of a hat. Let me know when you want to see him. Shall I send Joe in to see you? I'll see how lunch is getting on. We're having lamb.'

Moynihan left me alone in his office. I gazed at the books on his shelves: Burke's Peerage, Who's Who, The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations Burke's Peerage, Who's Who, The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, and History of the English-Speaking People History of the English-Speaking People. I noticed among them, sticking out like a sore thumb, a copy of David Leigh's High Time High Time. Moynihan was a careless liar. But why that question about Jesus College? Maybe he'd never read the book; maybe he collected signed copies of all books.

Joe Smith walked in.

'Good to know you at last, mate. It's like telling a granny not to suck eggs, but don't trust this c.u.n.t Moynihan. I bet the c.u.n.t told you all about me.'

I nodded and smiled. I liked Joe.

'Well, we may as well take advantage of it, mate. What I'm after is a good contact in Pakistan. I got my own guy in Bangkok that gives me great gear. Phil knows him. I got what I want here. I've been bringing dope into Australia all my life. I need someone reliable to get s.h.i.t out of Pakistan. There's a huge demand for it back home. I don't need credit. I'll pay upfront. I ain't ready yet. I just want to know if I can call on you when the time's right. Come down and see what I've got in Sydney first.'

'Call me whenever you want, Joe.'

We shook hands and exchanged phone numbers. We joined the table for lunch. Moynihan was holding forth.

'The Philippines is an extraordinary country: eight thousand islands covering an absolutely vast expanse of the Pacific Ocean. Did you know there are over eighty-five separate tribes and languages, none bearing the remotest resemblance to each other? King Philip of Spain just drew a circle around the whole b.l.o.o.d.y lot and gave it his name. The Spanish ruled their primitive subjects from Mexico, gave them all Spanish names, and made them into Catholics. The priests said, "Yes, it's all right to dance and chant in the streets, but do remember it's called St Stephen's Day, not Pisangpisang," or some such name. Then the priests gave them the gory stuff about the crucifixion, all those nails and blood and whatnot, and, of course, the savages absolutely adored it. They lapped it up. After a few centuries of that, America marched in and made it their one and only colony. There was never an American colony before the Spanish-American War, and there has never been another one since.'

Jimmy Newton spoke up.

'This outburst of imperialism must have amused the British, Tony, especially at that time, at the height of Empire.'

'Oh, it did, Jimmy, it did. You must know Kipling's The White Man's Burden The White Man's Burden.'

'Remind me, Tony.'

Moynihan launched into an over-dramatic rendition of Kipling's poem: 'Take up the White Man's burden Send forth the best ye breed Go, bind your sons to exile To serve your captives' need; To wait in heavy harness On fluttered folk and wild Your new-caught, sullen peoples, Half-devil and half-child.'

'One can see what they mean when they speak of the Philippines having spent two hundred years in a convent, then fifty years in Hollywood,' commented Jimmy Newton.

Moynihan got his second wind.

'Indeed one can, and now, as a result, all the Filipinos want to go to either Heaven or Los Angeles. They seem to prefer the latter, I might add. Other than this insane desire to go to the United States, there is nothing else that appears to unite them: no common culture or national pride. In fact, the Philippines is the only country I know of where being a half-caste is considered as a step-up from being indigenous. Extraordinary! Yet they are such lovely people. I love Kipling's description of them: "Half-devil and half-child".'

Lady Editha laid out the caviare.

'Are these the fish eggs you nicked from Philippine Airlines, Tony?' asked Joe.

'Well, the first-cla.s.s cabin crew did facilitate the means, yes, but I think "nicked" is the wrong word. I think they feel themselves handsomely rewarded. My biggest complaint about the Philippines has always been the food. Judging from what's available, even at expensive restaurants, the local cuisine seems to have blended the worst elements of Spanish and Chinese fare into an inedible gruel. Accordingly, I have to make my own arrangements to get such basic necessities as foie gras and caviare. Even decent Christmas puddings and Colman's mustard have to be specially imported.'

'Must be rough on you, Tony,' said Joe.

'Well, quite frankly, it is. I merely wish to eat what I'm accustomed to. I'll gladly pay for it, and if I have to buy it from Philippine Airlines' chief steward, I'll do so.'

'Do you not like any Philippine food, Tony?' I asked.

'They do have one delicacy to which I'm partial, and that's a specially prepared jawbone of a tuna fish. They serve it at only one restaurant in the world, and it's just outside Davao in Mindinao. I've just come back from there. We could go there some time, Howard. I'm sure you'll be back in the Philippines in the not too distant future.'

Beluga caviare and Stolichnaya vodka were followed by roast lamb. There was plenty of Chateau Palmer to wash it down. Creme brulee Creme brulee with Chateau d'Yquem made for a good dessert. The men spread out for coffee. Phil sat with Moynihan and Joe. I sat next to Jimmy Newton. with Chateau d'Yquem made for a good dessert. The men spread out for coffee. Phil sat with Moynihan and Joe. I sat next to Jimmy Newton.

'Jimmy, I'd be interested in buying one of your books. What are your terms?'

'Delighted. I'll need two photographs and a 500 deposit. If you're happy with the pa.s.sport when completed, I'd want another 2,000.'

'Are they real ones, actually issued by the Office?'

'Oh, I only use real people who for some reason will not travel, usually London tramps. I get their birth certificates and take it from there.'

'That's fine. You're on.'

'Excellent. If, Howard, you know of others who may be interested, I'll gladly pay a commission.'

I thought of Hobbs and his friends of dubious persuasions. If they could be armed with false pa.s.sports, they could marry a bunch more Hong Kong girls and make me some more money. The idea had potential.

'I'll let you know, Jimmy.'

Jimmy Newton gave me his Knightsbridge address and telephone number.

Phil and I flew back to Bangkok the next day. Moynihan had told him about my request for a.s.sistance in doing business with Philippine Airlines. I explained in detail what had happened with respect to Hong Kong International Travel Centre and its expansion into China. Phil listened intently and offered to open and finance a Bangkok branch of Hong Kong International Travel. I accepted.

After staying just one night in Bangkok, I flew to Palma, where Judy was organising the conversion of our new home. I phoned LAPD. Flash answered. 'Is that you, buddy? I'm sure glad you called. There's bad news. They busted Ernie. He's been in the can for over a week.'

Ernie wasn't supposed to get busted. On his payroll were top lawyers, police, politicians, CIA agents, senior Mafia figures, and h.e.l.l's Angels, to name but a few. He had been a fugitive for twelve years. What had gone wrong?

When I next called LAPD, Ernie was out of jail. The cops had discovered his true ident.i.ty, busted him for the 1973 rock-group scam, and let him out on bail. He didn't want to risk talking to me on the phone just yet, but if Judy and the children came out to California, he'd give them a good time and some messages for me. He'd correctly a.s.sumed that I couldn't get an American visa.

Joe Smith rang. He didn't realise I was a travel agent until Moynihan told him after I'd left Manila. Joe was a travel agent, too. His agency had offices in several Australian cities. Would I come to Sydney within a month?

Phil rang. The Bangkok office of Hong Kong International Travel Centre was about to open. I was needed at the opening. Work on the body-ma.s.sage parlour was making good progress. I should go over and have a look at it.

Moynihan rang. He had spoken to Ramon Cruz of Philippine Airlines. It looked promising. I should fly over soon to meet him.

Balendo rang. The Chinese Amba.s.sador to Great Britain had agreed to officially open Hong Kong International Travel Centre's new offices in Piccadilly. I would have to be in London to attend the opening.

There was a telex from Malik. Mehar Paper Mills, the company of which I was a director, had been successful in negotiating a several-million-dollar loan from the Pakistan Government. Very important business meetings were about to take place in Karachi. I should try to attend.

Legitimate business was beginning to get as hectic as the mother-business.

Patrick Lane rang and suggested to me that Judy and the children stay with him while they were visiting Ernie in California.

'Judy, you want to travel again, love?'

'Where to?'

'To California, to Patrick's.'

'Of course. The children would love to see their cousins. I suppose you'll be going to Bangkok to check on your ma.s.sage parlour.'

'Well, I might call in there, but I've got to go to Australia for the travel business.'

'You lucky thing. I've always wanted to go there.'

'Why don't you meet me there after you see Patrick?'

'I think that's a wonderful idea, Howard.'

We flew from Palma to London. Judy and the children were given round-the-world flights via the United States and Australia. I stayed in London at the travel agency. After a week or so, I booked a flight to Australia. I went to Australia House to get an Australian visa. I had to leave my pa.s.sport overnight. The next day when I went to collect it, I was told I could not have an Australian visa because I had been convicted of a serious charge. A hundred years ago that would have guaranteed a trip to Australia; now it was enough to prevent it.

I rang Joe and told him I couldn't come to Sydney. I'd see him in the Philippines some time. I made arrangements to meet Judy and the children in Hong Kong.

I flew to Bangkok. The body-ma.s.sage parlour was almost finished. It was called Panache. A number of extraordinarily beautiful girls had already been signed up. The downtown Bangkok travel agency was finished. A lavish party was thrown. Representatives from all the important airlines and tour operators attended.

I flew to Manila and met Ramon Cruz of Philippine Airlines. He said that Philippine Airlines were about to open their own office in London and was delighted to meet the director of a non-IATA-registered travel agency with which his company could liaise. He was sure we would be able to do business in the future.

President Marcos was originally from a village near Laog, the main city of Ilocos Norte. After his rise to power, he arranged for his son Bombol to be appointed Governor of Ilocos Norte. Moynihan had been invited to Bombol's birthday party and had extended the invitation to include me.

Early on a Sat.u.r.day morning, Moynihan and I were flown at Philippine Government expense from Manila to Laog in a small private plane. Bollinger champagne and smoked salmon sandwiches had been pre-packed for consumption on the plane. A chauffeur-driven limousine took us from the runway to the Governor's mansion. There was a huge barbecue in the garden.

The party was a very grand affair with an open-air orchestra. Several Government ministers were present. I was introduced to Bombol, who grinned and said nothing. I made the acquaintance of some Filipino dignitaries and took the opportunity to collect lots of business cards and give away many of my own. I was getting hooked on this business-card thing. Several Filipinos came with us to Laog airport to see us off on our return flight to Manila. I was welcome to go back there anytime.

After another day or so in Manila, I flew to Hong Kong, arriving just before Judy and the children. We checked into the Shangri-La. Ernie had given her new telephone numbers for me to use. LAPD had become compromised. Ernie stressed the need for greater security precautions, particularly in communications. A friend of Ernie's was arriving in Hong Kong the next day to meet me. He would book into the Regal Meridien. His name was Gerry Wills.

Eleven.

D. H. MARKS.

Gerry was blond, large, and amiable. With him was his vivacious wife, Wyvonna, who let me into their hotel room, excused herself, and left. Gerry seemed embarra.s.sed to be caught in the act of smoking a tiny splif of some excellent-smelling gra.s.s. He put out the splif and held out his hand.

'Hi. How you doing? Man, am I glad to meet you. From what Flash and Ernie told me you might be the answer to all my prayers.'

'How are you, Gerry? You can answer one of my prayers right now by relighting that splif.'

'Hey, you like this stuff, Howard? It's the best Californian skunk weed I've ever had in my life. But it stinks. I get paranoid about the smell in the hotel room.'

'They are a bit funny about dope here, Gerry,' I said. 'It's not that they dish out huge terms of prison or anything like that if you deal the stuff, but even rolling a joint can put you in jail for a few weeks.'

'That's trippy. With us in the States, it's the exact opposite. No one cares if you smoke a joint, but if you bring in a few kilos, they lock you away forever.'

'But people do smoke dope here, Gerry, usually Cambodian weed.'

'Whaw! Cambodian weed! I bet that's good. Howard, is it safe to talk in these hotel rooms?'

'Probably not, but I usually do.'

'Well, no one knows I'm here. I'm positive of that. And I don't really want to leave the room. I've got a bunch of money under the bed. Ernie told me it was okay to bring any amount of money into Hong Kong. I was really surprised.'

'Were you searched at the airport?'

'h.e.l.l, no. We didn't even see a Customs Officer. I figured they didn't have any. I mean if everything here is duty-free, they don't need any.'

'Oh, there's Customs Officers here all right, Gerry. They notice things even if they got nothing to bust you for. They'll never stop you bringing in money, though. They like to see you do that.'

'What if they know or suspect it's dope money?' asked Gerry.

'That wouldn't matter. Hong Kong was set up on dope money during the Opium Wars. If the Chinese hadn't liked getting hooked on opium and if the British hadn't been ruthless exploiters, Hong Kong would have remained a small fishing harbour. Old habits die hard. The colony is glad to see all types of money flow in and enrich the economy.'

'That's smart. Real smart. So what I wanted to ask you was would you help me get a load together in Pakistan? Let me explain. Me and my buddies got $3 million we want to invest in bringing ten tons of the best hash to Los Angeles. I'm going to buy a boat, do it up, take it to Pakistan, buy ten tons of the best dope, and take it across the Pacific. The boat and equipment's going to cost me about $1 million upfront. Will $2 million get me ten tons of the best in Pakistan?'

'In principle, yes it would. It depends on how much you are prepared to pay the Pakistanis if the scam is successful and where and how you want the dope delivered. Do you want it piled up on a remote Pakistani beach or delivered a long way offsh.o.r.e?'

'We figure we could sell the hash for at least $2,500 a kilo. That's $25 million to spread around. I think your end of it, the Pakistani end, is worth $10 million. I don't know yet whether picking up on a beach or delivery offsh.o.r.e will be the way to go. It depends on the boat I get. But it has to be the very best dope. I want to put my own stamp on it, literally. I'm serious. Can you do that?'

'You want to stamp "Gerry" on each slab?'

'Well, no, that would be kinda corny. But I want the stamp to be distinctive and to show that the hash came from the Afghan Freedom Fighters and that the money from its sales would be going to the fight against the Communists.'

'That's pretty much exactly what does happen,' I said.

'Yeah, but the average guy in the States doesn't realise that. If they see it on a stamp, they'll believe it.'

'Do you have a particular stamp in mind?'

'I've been thinking a lot about it. What I want is a picture of Communist Kalashnikov A47 guns disappearing in a cloud of hash smoke and a logo saying "Free Afghanistan Smoke Russia away." You reckon you could do that?'

'I'm sure we could. When do you want to start?'

'I thought I had started. I've got $400,000 deposit to give you right now. It's all in one big suitcase. All in small bills, which is a drag. In a week, I'll get some more brought here. I'm responsible to my people, so I have to see the whole load in Pakistan. Once I do that, I'll pay you the balance left from $2 million.'