More Toasts Part 38

--_Jennie Betts Hartswick_.

"I'm afraid these Louis XV heels are much too high for me. Perhaps you have lower ones--say about Louis X would do, I think."

I can not wear the old suit I wore long years ago; It's shiny at the shoulders, My knees and elbows show.

But on investigation I Discover this is true: I can not wear the old suit, Nor can I buy a new.

"Is this the hosiery department?" said the voice over the phone.

"Yes," replied the weary saleslady.

"Have you any flesh-colored stockings in stock?" asked the voice.

"Yes," replied the weary saleslady. "Whaddy ya want--pink, yellow, or black?"

They had been poor all their lives. Then one day Uncle Oscar died, leaving Henry a large sum of money. He cashed the check, hurried home, and threw the whole amount in his wife's lap. "At last, my dear," he said, "You will be able to buy yourself some decent clothes."

"I'll do nothing of the sort," sezz she. "I'll get the same kind that other women wear."

CLUBS

"A lady, you know, rang up the club the other evening.

"'Please call my husband to--,' she began, but she was interrupted.

"'Your husband ain't here, ma'am,' said the attendant, blandly.

"'My goodness gracious me!' the lady exclaimed, 'You're mighty sure about it, aren't you? And I haven't told you my name yet, either.

Look here, mister, how do you know my husband isn't at the club when I haven't told you my name?'

"The attendant answered more blandly than ever:

"'n.o.body's husband ain't never at the club, ma'am.'"

COAL

There is a New York scientist who is greatly interested in coal mining. He decided to subscribe to a press-clipping bureau, to get every new slant on coal. He said to the clipping bureau: "I want everything you can find about coal." The first clipping he got was an article about a man who was suing his wife for a separation because she hit him on the head with a lump of coal.

COFFEE

Senator Stone, of Missouri, is a lover of coffee, and unless it is both strong and good the waiter at restaurant or hotel soon hears from him. Recently he took a little trip to Baton Rouge and went into a restaurant for dinner. On raising his cup to his lips he made a wry face and then beckoned to the proprietor.

"What do you call this stuff?" he asked.

"Coffee," meekly replied the man, somewhat surprised.

"Coffee!" repeated Stone with scorn. "I could put a coffee bean into my mouth, dive into the Mississippi River from the end of this street, swim 'way up to Vicksburg, and I'll guarantee that any one could bail up much better coffee than this over the entire route!"

COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS

DRESSMAKER--"I have come to see you sir, about Mrs. Brown's account."

BROWN (angrily)--"Why don't you see my wife about it and not come to me?"

DRESSMAKER--"I have, several times, but every time I call she does nothing but order a new gown."

A young Swede in South Dakota, who had been sent out to collect bills for the general store, returned with this report:

"Yon Brown, he say he pay when he sell his wheat; Ole Oleson, he say he pay when he sell his oats; and Yon Yonson, he say he pay in Yanuary."

"In January?" repeated the proprietor, surprised. "Why, he never set a date before. Are you sure he said in January?"

"Veil, Ay tank it bane Yanuary. He say it bane dam cold day when you get your money."

During an epidemic in a small Southern town every infected house was put under quarantine. After the disease had been checked, an old negress protested vigorously when the health officers started to take down the sign on her house.

"Why, Auntie," exclaimed the officer, "why don't you want me to take it down?"

"Well, sah," she answered, "dey ain' be'n a bill collectah neah dis house sence dat sign went up. You-all let it alone!"

Little Andrew was playing in the yard, in which there is a coop for his pigeons. All pigeons were inside with the exception of one which was walking up and down in front of the door. Andrew ran up to his mother in great excitement and said:

"Mamma, is that one a collector?"

Whereat his mother asked him why. Then Andrew said:

"Well, he can't get in."