More Toasts Part 29

BUSINESS WOMEN

Kate's running a tobacco-shop, Jane draws a wage from carpentry, And Amaryllis' patent mop Defies domestic anarchy; Marie's so capable that she Keeps foundry laborers from strife; She heads a motor company-- But where am I to find a wife?

Eradne's made a wondrous top That's famed from Maine to Italy; While Wanda's jointed rabbits hop Through every modern nursery; May has a mock canteen, where tea Is served to sound of drum and fife, Grace reaps from etymology-- But where am I to find a wife?

Maud's raising a world-famous crop Where honors tie 'twixt bean and pea; At Daisy's restaurant each chop Would rouse a Muse from apathy; Babette's a broker, who must be Where rumors anent stocks are rife; They're all most useful, I agree-- But where am I to find a wife?

I do not know on land or sea, A girl who'd stay at home with me-- In any varied walks of life.

So how am I to find a wife!

_Charlotte Becker_.

CAMPAIGNS

_See_ Public Speakers.

CANDIDATES

TED--"So you think I'm wasting my time making love to that rich girl?"

NED--"You have about as much chance of winning as a landlord running for office on a dry ticket."

THE HEELER--"Well, I see that Jimpson, them reformers' candidate f'r Mayor, is goin' t' have all his meetin's opened with prayer."

THE BOSS--"Good! That means he knows he's licked!"

"What do you think of the candidates?"

"Well the more I think of them the more pleased I am that only one of them can get in."

_See also_ Politicians.

CANDOR

"How is your wife this morning, Uncle Henry?"

"Well, I dunno. She's failin, dretful slow. I do wish she'd git well, or somethin'."--_Puck_.

Candor may be considered as a compound of justice and the love of truth.--_J. Abercrombie_.

Candor is the seal of a n.o.ble mind, the ornament and pride of man, the sweetest charm of woman, the scorn of rascals and the rarest virtue of sociability.--_Bentsel-Sternau_.

'Tis great--'tis manly to disdain disguise, It shows our spirit, or it proves our strength.--_Young_.

STATISTICIAN (on the platform)--"These are not my figures, ladies and gentlemen; they are the figures of a man who knows what he is talking about."

CAPITAL AND LABOR

WILLIE--"Paw, what is the difference between capital and labor?"

PAW--"Well, the money you lend represents capital, and getting it back represents labor, my son."

If you divorce capital from labor, capital is h.o.a.rded, and labor starves.--_Daniel Webster_.

CARD INDEX

MINING-STOCK PROMOTER--"Where can I hide? The police are coming!"

CHIEF CLERK--"Get into the card-index case. I defy any one to find anything in there."--_Judge_.

CARELESSNESS

Care may kill people, but don't care kills more.

The editor in charge of the Personal Inquiry column opened his seventieth letter with a groan.

"I have lost three husbands," a lady reader had written, confidentially, "and now have the offer of a fourth. Shall I accept him?"

The editor dipped his pen in the ink. This was the last straw.