More Toasts Part 26

"And what under heaven do you expect from that?"

Mr. Burbank calmly resumed his walk.

"Custard pie," he said.

BUSINESS

There are two reasons why some people don't mind their own business.

One is that they haven't any mind, the other that they haven't any business.

"I'm a very busy man, sir. What is your proposition?"

"I want to make you rich."

"Just so. Leave your recipe with me and I'll look it over later. Just now I'm engaged in closing up a little deal by which I expect to make $3.50 in real money."

A teacher asked those pupils who wanted to go to heaven to raise their hands. All except little Ikey's hands went up. The teacher asked him if he didn't want to go to heaven and Ikey replied that he had heard his father tell his mother that 'Business had all gone to h.e.l.l' and Ikey wanted to go where the business had gone.

The vicar's appeal had been a most eloquent one, and had even penetrated the depths of Mr. Blackleigh's granite organ. The latter came forward and offered 50 for the fund.

The worthy cleric was overjoyed.

"I don't know your name, sir," he cried; "but I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I thank you! May your business prosper, sir!"

Then there was a solemn hush, and the committee looked askance at their vicar.

"What's the matter?" whispered the clergyman, turning to the chairman.

"Well--er--that donor is an undertaker!"

"There is one respect in which a live business man isn't like a tree."

"What is that?"

"If he remains rooted to the spot, he can't branch out."

During a campaign preceding the election of a Missouri Congressman it was suggested that, since he posed as a good business man, he might be willing to tell just what a good business man is.

"That's easy," he explained. "A good business man is one who can buy goods from a Scotchman and sell them to a Jew--at a profit!"

EDITH--"d.i.c.k, dear, your office is in State street, isn't it?"

d.i.c.kEY--"Yes; why?"

EDITH--"That's what I told papa. He made such a funny mistake about you yesterday. He said he'd been looking you up in Bradstreet."

FIRST MERCHANT (as reported in the New York "Trade Record")--"How's business?"

SECOND MERCHANT--"Picking up a little. One of our men got a $5,000 order yesterday."

"Go away. I don't believe that."

"Honest he did--I'll show you the cancellation."

BUSINESS ENTERPRISE

The story of the rival boot-makers, which appeared recently, is matched by a correspondent of an English paper with another story, equally old but equally worth repeating. It concerns two rival sausage-makers. Again, they lived on opposite sides of a certain street, and, one day, one of them placed over his shop the legend:

"We sell sausages to the gentry and n.o.bility of the country."

The next day, over the way, appeared the sign:

"We sell sausages to the gentry and n.o.bility of the whole country."

Not to be outdone, the rival put up what he evidently regarded as a final statement, namely:

"We sell sausages to the King."

Next day there appeared over the door of the first sausage-maker the simple expression of loyalty:

"G.o.d save the King."

"Biddy," remarked the newly wed Irishman, "go down and feed the pigs."

"Faith and I will not," replied the bride.

"Don't be after contradicting me, Biddy," retorted the husband.

"Haven't I just endowed you with all my worldly goods, and if you can not feed your own property, then it's ashamed of you I am."

This was a new point of view, so off Biddy went.

Presently she returned.