More Toasts Part 211

WELSH

Admittedly this may be an old story, but it has the distinction of possessing a new twist at the end.

A person died. He willed all his earthly possessions to be divided among an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman. But the will was conditional; each of the legatees was to place five pounds in the testator's coffin. On the day appointed (by Fate) the Englishman placed a five-pound note, as willed; the Irishman collected a number of coins somehow--shillings, sixpences and coppers--and made up his contribution of five pounds, which he placed on the Englishman's fiver. The Scotchman then made out a cheque for fifteen pounds and, pocketing the ten pounds already deposited, threw in his cheque with the remark, "That's easier."

A month later, when the Scotchman perused his pa.s.s-book, he was surprised to find that his cheque had been cashed.

The undertaker was a Welshman.

WESTMINSTER ABBEY

It is a plat.i.tude that different people get peculiarly different impressions from viewing the same sights. A Suffolk girl, who had been staying in London for a short holiday, was asked on her return if she had been in Westminster Abbey. "Yes," she replied, "I went in and sat down, but I didn't stay long, as I prefer open-air cemeteries."

WHISKY

A Rhondda man went into a public-house and called for a gla.s.s of whisky and water. Having tasted it, he exclaimed:

"Which did you put in first, the whisky or the water?"

"The whisky, of course," the publican replied.

"Ah, well," said the Rhondda man, "perhaps I'll come to it by and by."

_See also_ Drinking.

WIDOWS

"If you want to be really popular with men," says Mr. Arthur Pendenys, "become a widow." This of course, may be all right, but few husbands can really learn to love a wife who makes a practise of this sort of thing.--_Punch_.

Dinah's husband had just been killed on the Railroad while discharging his duties as a brakeman. An agent of the road promptly settled her claim by the payment of a thousand dollars. Her friends consoled her with the thought that with so much money she would be the most sought after woman in Darktown. She stoutly maintained that she would not marry again and that she "had no plans" but finally said between her sobs "But if ah evah do marry I shuah am gwine to marry a railroad man."

WINDOWS

Without windows there would be no fresh-air fiends. A single window may make or mar a whole household. Used occasionally by burglars, small boys and lovers, the singular power of the window to control our destiny has not hitherto been recognized. Without windows there would be no ghost stories, for how could the rain beat on the pane, or the wind come in short gusts through the cracks? Neither would there be melodrama, for how could the heroine crouch on the floor if there were no sudden flashes of lighting or falling snow to gaze at through the window? What poems have been written by just looking through a window; and as for literature in general, who does not remember the window in Thrums? The first thing we look at upon entering a room is the windows. At night the window is the last thing we adjust, and in the morning the first we gaze out of. The first window was the beginning of civilization. Consider the window of a cell, how symbolic it is of a dwarfed and misdirected life. The composite health of any community can almost be predicated upon the number of its windows that are kept open at night.

Then there are the windows of the soul, without which no best seller would be worth the price of admission.

WISDOM

"Father, have you cut all four of your wisdom teeth?"

"Yes, son. I have purchased a used car, accepted a nomination, been chairman of a local reception committee, and married your mother."

True wisdom laboring to expound, Heareth others readily; Fake wisdom, st.u.r.dy to deny, closeth Up her mind to argument.

--_Tupper_.

WISHES

MABEL--"Oh, but I wish I had a nice big car, with blue plush upholstering and all the modern appliances."

ALICE--"You'd take me out with you, if you had, wouldn't you?"

"No."

"Well, why not?"

"Why, you're perfectly capable of doing your own wishing, aren't you?"

HE--"But, Alice, you don't want that!"

SHE--"How will I know until I get it?"

WITNESSES