More Toasts Part 204

THIEVES

He was a very small boy, and the apples he was eyeing were very large.

He eyed them for ten minutes, longingly and furtively, while the greengrocer bustled about serving customers. Now he edged near the tempting basket. Now he edged away again. And at last the greengrocer thought it time to intervene.

"Now then, Tommy," he exclaimed, "what are you doing?"

"Nothin'," replied the small boy.

"Nothin', eh?" said the greengrocer. "Well, it looks to me as though you are trying to steal those apples."

"You're wrong!" retorted the nipper, "I'm trying not to."

A carpenter, sent to make some repairs in a private house entered the apartment of the lady of the house with his apprentice and began to work.

"Mary," the lady said to her maid, "see that my jewel-case is locked up at once!"

The carpenter understood. He removed his watch and chain from his vest in a significant manner and handed them to his apprentice.

"John," said he, "take these right back to the shop. It seems that this house isn't safe."--_Harper's_.

In the office of the prison warden at Canon City, Colorado, a clever and notorious swindler was being divested of the contents of his pockets. As each article was removed, it was carefully examined, listed and then placed temporarily on a nearby desk. Among the articles was a badly tarnished silver dollar, barely distinguishable as money.

At the conclusion of the search, the prisoner pointed to the dull-looking coin and in a suppliant tone asked the warden:

"Would you mind letting me keep that with me?"

"Why?" asked the warden.

"Oh, just a little sentiment, I suppose," the prisoner explained. "You know, it's the first dollar I ever stole."

_See also_ Chicken stealing; Lawyers.

THRIFT

Mr. Benson went to New York to business, but lived in Brooklyn. Often he was not able to get home in time for dinner at night. He told his wife that he would phone her every day as to whether he could leave the office or not.

Mrs. Benson was of a very thrifty disposition, and the following was her solution of the problem: "Sam, if you find that you can't be home for dinner, phone me at exactly six o'clock. If the telephone rings at that hour, I'll know it is you and that you are not coming for dinner.

I won't answer it, and you'll get your nickel back."

Saving is a habit; extravagance, an art.

Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who was driving to the county fair with his sweetheart when they pa.s.sed a booth where fresh popcorn was for sale.

"My! Abner, ain't that nice?" said the girl.

"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner.

"Why, the popcorn; it smells so awfully good," replied the girl.

"It does smell kind o' fine," drawled the youth. "I'll jest drive a little closer so you can get a better smell."

b.u.t.tONS--"Get up! Get up! The hotel's afire!"

SCOTTISH GENTLEMAN--"Richt, laddie; but if I do, mind ye, I'll no pay for the bed."

SETTLEMENT WORKER (visiting tenements)--"And your father is working now and getting two pounds a week? That's splendid! And how much does he put away every Sat.u.r.day night, my dear?"

LITTLE GIRL--"Never less than three quarts, ma'am!"

HE--"I am a poor man, you know."

SHE--"When we are married I can learn to cook, dear."

HE--"Hadn't you better practise while your father is supplying the raw materials?"

See also Economy; Scotch, The.

TIDES

The destroyer Sharkey, which arrived in New York Harbor some days ago, dropped anchor near the Statue of Liberty on the starboard side, but during the night the tide shifted it about to the portside.

This transformation was most perplexing to a rookie gob, who finally confided his problem to a C.P.O.

"Well, you see, it's like this," the oldtimer informed him, "New York and Brooklyn both claim the statue, so to stop the argument the Government lets New York have it one day and then moves it over to the Brooklyn side the next."