More Toasts Part 163

BLUCK--"Why do vessels leaving New York make the greatest speed the first three miles?"

BLYNK--"The bartenders help stoke."

"Do you find that prohibition has deprest Crimson Gulch?"

"No," answered Cactus Joe. "We're more cheerful than usual. Everybody seems to think it's a great joke on all the rest of the boys."

"_Going Up_"

SMITH--"Do you realize that we are beholding the completion of a great cycle in history?"

JONES--"Explain."

"Three hundred and six years ago the island of Manhattan was bought from the Indians for six quarts of whisky."

"Well?"

"Well?--Within six months, maybe, the descendants of those Indians will be able to buy it back for the same price."

I, U.S. Boose, realizing that the jag is up, declare this to be my last will and testament: To my beloved c.o.c.ktail I bequeath three-fourths of my evil estate, and to my faithful Highball I leave a large share of the blame. To my sister, Wine, I give the family grapevine and kitchen still. To my cousin, Cider, I bequeath the old apple orchard and enough wormy fruit to keep the country moist and my memory green.

"So you're a moonshiner?" remarked the interested tourist. The lanky mountaineer drew himself up haughtily.

"Mister, you got me wrong," he a.s.serted. "Since prohibition come in we-uns call ourselves irrigation engineers."

_Discovery_

I met a man Who knows a woman Who has a sister Who is married to a man Who is related to a girl Who knows a man Who knows a man Who has never pulled a prohibition joke.

I shall try to trace him.

And when the nations disarm, some statesman will slip in a joker permitting the building of battleships for medicinal purposes.

A drunkard of long standing has been reformed by an operation which removed a bone that pressed against the brain. The Detroit News also reports a number of cures effected by the removal of a bra.s.s rail that was pressing against the foot.

"Having any success with your garden?"

"The best ever," replied Mr. Jagsby.

"What are you raising?"

"Nothing. But if I hadn't had a row with one of my new neighbors over his chickens and then a reconciliation I might not have discovered that he had a well-stocked cellar."

PROMOTERS

The man who was selling oil stock was asked if there were any indications of oil where his company was drilling.

"Indications!" he said. "Why, I should say so. We have three thousand acres leased, have a standard rig up, have three hundred feet of casing on the ground and more ordered, have our company organized and incorporated and a million shares of stock printed, have opened offices in three cities, have two hundred people selling stock, are only forty miles from a pipe line, and there was no oil found in those other wells about there, so it must be in our well. Oh, we have plenty of indications. How many shares do you want?"

"Pop, what is a promoter?"

"A promoter, my son, is a man who can make either a dollar or a penny look like thirty cents."--_Life_.

PROMPTNESS

On the occasion of the death of a chief of one of the department bureaus in Washington, a clerk in that bureau was dashing madly down the street when he was stopped by a friend, who asked: "Why the deuce are you in such a tearing hurry?"

"I am going," explained the clerk, "to the funeral of my chief, and there is nothing he hates like unpunctuality."

"I'm sorry to find the baroness out. Don't forget to tell her I called, will you?"

"No, sir, I'll tell her at once."

p.r.o.nUNCIATION

"Wasn't it _fearful_ about the Reims cathedral?"

"Don't say Reems; it sounds _horribly_ ignorant."

"Well, how do you p.r.o.nounce it?"

"Why, _Hranss_."

_"How?"_

"Hn--Hranhss! Just as if you were clearing your throat. See? Hranss!"

"Well, _you_ sound as if you had a dreadful influenza, threatened with grip!"