More Toasts Part 147

"There goes a fellow who chased around for years trying to land a political job."

"Well, what does he do now?"

"Nothing--he's got the job."

Uncle Mose aspired to the elective office of justice of the peace in the "black bottom" part of town. One bar there was to his preferment: he could neither read nor write. His master advised him to go to the commissioner of elections and ask whether he was eligible. Mose went and returned.

"What did he tell you, Mose?" inquired the master.

"It's all right, sah," answered Mose; "dat gen'lemun suttinly was kind, yas, suh. He tole me Ah was illegible fo' dat office."

OFFICERS

OFFICER--"I ketched this here mut pinchin' bananas off a fruit-stand."

MAGISTRATE--"Aha! 'personating an officer! Two years."--_Life_.

COMMANDER--"What's his character apart from this leave-breaking?"

PETTY OFFICER--"Well, sir, this man 'e goes ash.o.r.e when 'e likes; 'e comes off when 'e likes; 'e uses 'orrible language when 'e's spoken to; in fact, from 'is general be'avior, 'e might be a orficer!"--_Punch_.

PROFESSOR--"What! Forgotten your pencil again, Jones! What would you think of a soldier without a gun?"

JONES (an ex-service man)--"I'd think he was an officer."

OLD AGE

_See_ Age.

OLD CLOTHES

_See_ Clothing.

OPPORTUNITY

"But didn't Opportunity ever knock at your door?"

"Probably."

"And you didn't answer it?"

"I? Of course not. What do you think the servants are for?"

Lazyman, Contentedman, and Busyman lived together in the same house.

One day, when only Lazyman and Contentedman were at home, Opportunity knocked.

As Lazyman made not the slightest move to go to the door, Contentedman went and opened it.

"I am Opportunity," said the visitor, "and I have something very wonderful for you."

Lazyman yawned and said nothing.

Contentedman courteously explained that he was not interested, for the very good reason that he had everything he wanted.

"I believe Busyman also lives here," said Opportunity. "Where is he? I know he would be glad to see me."

"Indeed he would, but he's out. He's always busy running around.

You're not the first Opportunity that he's missed. Opportunities have been knocking here regularly for years, but he's never at home. I tell him it doesn't pay to be so busy."

Opportunity walked away with dejected mien.--_Life_.

How oft the sight of means to do ill deeds, Makes ill deeds done!

--_Shakespeare_.

OPTIMISM

A part of what we might term the optimist's philosophy is--If you can mend a situation mend it; if you can't mend it forget it.--_Ralph Waldo Trine_.

If your confidence needs b.u.t.tressing, just stop for a moment and consider that this old world in which we have found such happiness has throughout the past ages been visited by every catastrophe of which the human mind can conceive, and from each of these dark periods it has emerged always and eternally a progressive world.