More Toasts Part 135

TOMORROW--"What do we care for prices? We haven't any money!"

"You know," Biggs, the confirmed alarmist, declared impressively, "it's getting so that it is positively dangerous for a man to carry around a good-sized roll of money."

"Difficult, rather than dangerous, I find," Diggs sighed.

"'S funny."

"Shoot!"

"Bills are rectangular, and yet they come rolling in!"

_The Old Silver Dollar_

How dear to my heart is the mem'ry that lingers Of the days that, alas! we shall never see more, When clutching a large silver coin in my fingers, I hurried along to the grocery store,

And there purchased flour and bacon and coffee.

And prunes in a package, and apricots canned, Two gallons of coal-oil, a half pound of toffee, And still held some change, when I left, in my hand.

The big iron dollar The good, honest dollar, The hundred-cent dollar I clutched in my hand.

But now, though accustomed to buying far closer, Whenever in markets or stores I appear To lay in provisions, the butcher or grocer Will glance at my dollar and quietly sneer.

At the tail of a line of more affluent buyers Awaiting my turn I must patiently stand, For no one, as far as I gather, desires The pitiful dollar I hold in my hand.

The poor little dollar, The cheap, little dollar, The fifty-cent dollar, I hold in my hand!

"The amount of money a fellow's father has doesn't seem to cut much figure here."

"No, it's the amount of the father's money the son has."

"They say money talks."

"Well?"

"I wonder how that idea originated?"

"Have you never noticed the lady on the dollar?"

A medical paper advances the theory that "man is slightly taller in the morning than he is in the evening." We have never tested this, but we have certainly noticed a tendency to become "short" toward the end of the month.

_See also_ Domestic finance.

MONEY LENDER

A teacher of English in one of our colleges describes a money-lender as follows:

"He serves you in the present tense, lends in the conditional mood, keeps you in the subjective, and ruins you in the future."

MORAL EDUCATION

The kindergarten teacher recited to her pupils the story of the wolf and the lamb. As she completed it she said:

"Now, children, you see that the lamb would not have been eaten by the wolf if he had been good and sensible."

One little boy raised his hand.

"Well, John," asked the teacher, "what is it?"

"If the lamb had been good and sensible," said the little boy, gravely, "we should have had him to eat, wouldn't we?"

MOSQUITOES

"You told me you hadn't any mosquitoes," said the summer boarder, reproachfully.

"I hadn't," replied Farmer Corntossel. "Them you see floatin' around come from Si Perkins's place. They ain't mine."

Two Irishmen, on a sultry night, took refuge under the bedclothes from a party of mosquitoes. At last one of them, gasping from heat, ventured to peep beyond the bulwarks, and espied a fire-fly which had strayed into the room. Arousing his companion with a punch, he said: "Furgus! Furgus! it's no use; you might as well come out; here's one of the craythers searching for us wid a lantern."

MOTHERS

Answers to the question "what is Mother?" given by supposedly feeble-minded school children of New York:

She's what you chop wood for.

She's what feeds you.