More Toasts Part 127

FORTUNE-TELLER--"You wish to know about your future husband?"

CUSTOMER--"No; I wish to know about the past of my present husband for future use."

"Do you act toward your wife as you did before you married her?"

"Exactly. I remember just how I used to act when I first fell in love with her. I used to lean over the fence in front of her house and gaze at her shadow on the curtain, afraid to go in. And I act just the same way now when I get home late."

"Marriage is a lottery."

"Not exactly," commented Miss Cayenne. "When you lose in a lottery it's an easy matter to tear up the ticket and forget it."

Lightning knocked over three men who were sitting on boxes in front of Sawyer's store yesterday. One of them was knocked senseless; the other two exclaimed, "Leggo! I'm comin' right home."

TEACHER--"In what part of the Bible is it taught that a man should have only one wife?"

LITTLE BOY--"I guess it's the part that says that no man can serve more than one master."

The trouble with most marriages is that a man always makes the mistake of marrying the woman who carries him off his feet--instead of trying to find one who will keep him on them.

CONDUCTOR (to pa.s.senger of Pullman)--"Excuse me, sir. Is this lady your wife?"

Pa.s.sENGER--"I don't know. It depends upon what State we are pa.s.sing through."--_Life_.

"I'm thinking of getting married, pa. What's it like?"

"You had a job as janitor once, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"And you had a position as watchman once, didn't you?"

"And you worked a while as a caretaker, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Well, it's a combination of all three jobs--and then some."

The archbishop had preached a fine sermon on married life and its beauties. Two old Irishwomen were heard coming out of church commenting on the address.

"'Tis a fine sermon his Riverence would be after giving us," said one to the other.

"It is, indade," was the quick reply, "and I wish I knew as little about the matter as he does."--_Life_.

A young Swede appeared at the county judge's office and asked for a license.

"What kind of a license?" asked the judge. "A hunting license?"

"No," was the answer. "Aye tank aye bane hunting long enough. Aye want marriage license."

The young man sidled into the jeweler's shop with a furtive air. He handed the jeweler a ring with the stammered statement that he wished it marked "with some names."

"What names do you wish?" inquired the jeweler in a sympathetic tone.

"From Henry to Clara," the young man blushingly whispered.

The jeweler looked from the ring to the young man, and said in a fatherly manner: "Take my advice, young man, and have it engraved simply, 'From Henry.'"

JUDGE--"The police say that you and your wife had some words."

PRISONER--"I had some, but didn't get a chance to use them."--_Puck_.

At the end of three weeks of married life, a Southern darky returned to the minister who had performed the ceremony and asked for a divorce. After explaining that he could not grant divorces, the minister tried to dissuade his visitor from carrying out his intention of getting one saying:

"You must remember, Sam, that you promised to take Liza for better or for worse."

"Ya.s.sir, I knows dat, boss," rejoined the darky; "but--but she's wuss dan I took her for."

In one of the big base hospitals of the Army not long ago a new librarian was set to work by the American Library a.s.sociation. She was a very charming young woman, and very anxious to please all of her "customers," tho some of them didn't even wish to look at a book. In her rounds she approached one of the patients and he declined to be interested in her wares. At the next cot she stopped and offered its occupant a book.

"What's it about?" the patient asked.

"Oh, this is 'Bambi,'" said the librarian. "It's about a girl who married a man without his having anything to say about it."

"Hold on there," shouted the man who had declined all books. He raised himself up on his elbow and reached out his hand. "Give me that book.

It's my autobiography."

Miss SNOWFLAKE--"What did Jim Jackson git married for?"

Miss WASHTUBB--"Lawd only knows;--he keeps right on workin'!"

The beautiful young woman interviewed a fortune-teller on the usual subjects.

"Lady," said the clairvoyant, "you will visit foreign lands, and the courts of kings and queens. You will conquer all rivals and marry the man of your choice. He will be tall and dark and aristocratic looking."