More Toasts Part 118

_See also_ Judges.

LAZINESS

"I was in need of help to harvest my prune crop," said the grower, "and I went to a saloon in a near-by city. On entering the place I accosted the barkeeper, and asked him if any of the men lounging about the place cared for employment at good wages.

"'I dunno,' said the mixer, 'yer better ask 'em.'

"'Any of you men want to go to work?' I said.

"There was a dead silence for a few moments, when one of the loafers spoke up and queried, 'What doing, and what do yer pay?'

"'Picking prunes,' I replied, 'and I pay three dollars a day and board.'

"'What kind of a place is it?' asked the garrulous one.

"'It is an attractive rolling orchard,' I answered.

"The I. W. W. spokesman rose from his chair, yawned, stretched himself, and said, 'Well, roll her in here and let's see her, and we'll tell yer if we wants the job.'"

A morning paper complains that "eggs ought to be more plentiful and cheaper than they are at the present time." The number of hens to be seen nowadays standing about doing nothing is certainly a scandal.

An American teacher undertook the task of convincing an indolent native son of the Philippines that it was his duty to get out and hustle.

"But why should I work?" inquired the guileless Filipino.

"In order to make money," declared the thrifty teacher.

"But what do I want with money?" persisted the brown brother.

"Why, when you get plenty of money you will be independent and will not have to work any more," replied the teacher.

"I don't have to work now," said the native--and the teacher gave it up in disgust.

FIRST c.o.c.kY (on horseback)--"That cove ye've had wurrkin' for yer arsked me fur a job this mornin'. Was he a steady chap Ryan?"

SECOND c.o.c.kY--"He was. If he'd ha' bin inny stiddier he'd ha' bin motionless."

"What sort of a chap is Bill to camp out with?"

"He's one of those fellows who always takes down a mandolin about the time it's up to somebody to get busy with the frying pan."

A camera man who had ventured without permission to take some pictures on a farm for the educational department of a film company was met unexpectedly by the owner of the farm and hastened to explain his presence there. "I've just been taking a few moving pictures of life on your farm," he said.

"Have you?" the old farmer responded. "And did you catch my hired man in motion?"

"Sure I did," the man a.s.sured him.

"You did!" the farmer exclaimed. Then he shook his head reflectively.

"Well, well," he remarked, "science is a wonderful thing."

LEAGUE OF NATIONS

"Why do you object to the League of Nations?"

"On musical grounds. After singing 'My Country, 'Tis of Thee,' all these years, I don't want the mental effort of changing to 'Our Countries, Tis of Those.'"

FOR SALE--"League of Nations." Several pages missing; binding gone in spots. Damaged by fire and water. Valuable historical doc.u.ment. Author now unknown. As is.

LEAP YEAR

_A Modern Leap-Year Song_

Ah, me! why should I marry me?

Lovers are plenty, but fortunes are few Why lose wages that carry me Better by far than a husband could do?

Fond youth, calmly I'm viewing you, Steeling a heart that might flutter and throb: I've no thought of pursuing you; Poverty's stupid--I'll stick to my job.

LEFT HANDEDNESS

Pat, who was left-handed, was being sworn in as a witness in the West Side Court of Denver, Colo.

"Hold up your right hand," said the judge. Up went Pat's left hand.

"Hold up your right hand," commanded the judge, sternly.

"Sure and I am, yer honor," declared Pat. "Me right hand's on me left-hand side."