More Toasts Part 101

A traveler who alighted from the train in a small Southern town was greeted by a colored porter, who shouted at him, "Palace hotel, boss!"

and grabbed the traveler's baggage, and the latter said, "Wait a minute, Rastus. Is this hotel American or European?" and Rastus replied, "I dunno, boss, but I thinks they'se Irish."

"Where's that hotel that used to advertise, 'All the Comforts of Home for One Dollar'?"

"Busted up. The hotel opposite put up a sign: 'None of the Discomforts of Home for Two Dollars.'"

Miss m.u.f.fit had recently joined the "Band of Sisters for Befriending Burglars" and was being shown over a prison for the first time.

One prisoner, evidently a man of education, interested her more than the others. He rose and bowed to her when she entered his cell, apologizing for the poorness of his apartment.

Miss m.u.f.fit could not help wondering how this refined man came within the clutches of the law. In fact, as she was leaving his cell she said:

"May I ask you why you are in this distressing place?"

"Madam," he replied, "I am here for robbery at a seaside hotel!"

"How very interesting!" said Miss m.u.f.fit. "Were you--er--the proprietor?"

"Would you like some views of the hotel to send to your friends?"

"Sir," said the disgruntled guest, "I presume it will be better for me to keep my views to myself."

"We will do our best, Mr. Sprawl, to make you feel at home here,"

smiled the hotel clerk, who had acquired the idea that it pays to be good and kind to all.

"You needn't to mind, sir," replied Sanford Sprawl, of Puxico. "That's just what I came away from home to get a change from. What I want is to feel like I'm at a hotel."

HOUSING PROBLEM

After trying in vain for months to get a house, Brown set out one day with a find-a-house-or-die look on his face. He wandered about all day without being successful, till at last his steps led him to the river.

"Ah!" he said in utter despair, "how tempting it looks!" He was almost inclined to plunge in and end it all.

All of a sudden he heard a splash and, looking around, he saw his friend Green struggling in the water. Without attempting to save him he rushed off to the local house agent.

"Quick!" he gasped. "Green has fallen in the river. Can I have his house?"

"Sorry," said the house agent. "I've already let it to the man who pushed him in."

The difficulty of finding a house is not exclusively an eastern problem. Out in Kansas, for instance, a native observed a stranger looking around and ventured to say, "Good morning, sir, House hunting?"

"Yes," replied the stranger. "I wonder if it could have blown this far."

JUDGE--"You are accused of speeding. What have you to say in your defense?"

PRISONER--"I heard of a house for rent and was trying to get there first."

"The case is dismissed."

The taxi-driver turned at the end of the second hour and eyed his client suspiciously.

"Are you taking me by the hour or by the day?" he asked.

"By the year," responded the haggard pa.s.senger. "I'm looking for a home!"

VISITOR--"What's that new building on the hill yonder?"

FARMER--"Well, if I find a tenant for it, it's a bungalow; if I don't, it's a barn."

OWENS--"My landlord has ordered me out because I can't pay my rent."

BOWENS--"Glad I met you. So has mine. Let's change quarters."

MR. MCNAB (after having his lease read over to him)--"I will not sign that: I havena' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion in Heaven, an' I'm no' guan tae tackle aboot a hundred for twa rooms in the High Street!"

_See also_ Apartments.

HUNGER

OLD LADY (to mendicant)--"But--my good man, your story has such a hollow ring."

"Yes, missis--that's the natural result of speaking with an empty stummick."

Hunger is the teacher of the arts and the bestower of invention.--_Persius_.