Mince Pie Part 18

Cynthia, my child: How are you? It is very delightful to hear from you again. During the recent months I have been very lonely indeed without your comradeship and counsel with regard to the great matters which were under consideration.

THINKING IT OVER

Well, Cynthia, when your inquiry reached me I propped my feet on the desk, got out the corncob pipe and thought things over. How to simplify life? How, indeed! It is a subject that interests me strangely. Of course, the easiest method is to let one's ancestors do it for one. If you have been lucky enough to choose a simple-minded, quiet-natured quartet of grandparents, frugal, thrifty and foresighted, who had the good sense to buy property in an improving neighborhood and keep their money compounding at a fair rate of interest, the problem is greatly clarified. If they have hung on to the old farmstead, with its huckleberry pasture and cowbells tankling homeward at sunset and a bright brown brook cascading down over ledges of rock into a swimming hole, then again your problem has possible solutions. Just go out to the farm, with a copy of Matthew Arnold's "Scholar Gipsy" (you remember the poem, in which he praises the guy who had sense enough to leave town and live in the suburbs where the Bolsheviki wouldn't bother him), and don't leave any forwarding address with the postoffice. But if, as I fear from an examination of your pink-scalloped notepaper with its exhalation of lilac essence, the vortex of modern jazz life has swept you in, the crisis is far more intricate.

TAKE THE MATTER IN YOUR OWN HANDS

Of course, my dear Cynthia, it is better to simplify your own life than to have some one else do it for you. The Kaiser, for instance, has had his career greatly simplified, but hardly in a way he himself would have chosen. The first thing to do is to come to a clear understanding of (and to let your employer know you understand) the two principles that underlie modern business. There are only two kinds of affairs that are attended to in an office. First, things that absolutely must be done.

These are often numerous; but remember, that since they _have_ to be done, if you don't do them some one else will. Second, things that don't have to be done. And since they don't have to be done, why do them? This will simplify matters a great deal.

FURTHER SUGGESTIONS

The next thing to do is to stop answering letters. Even the firm's most persistent customers will cease troubling you by and bye if you persist.

Then, stop answering the telephone. A pair of office shears can sever a telephone wire much faster than any mechanician can keep it repaired. If the matter is really urgent, let the other people telegraph. While you are perfecting this scheme look about, in a dignified way, for another job. Don't take the first thing that offers itself, but wait until something really congenial appears. It is a good thing to choose some occupation that will keep you a great deal in the open air, preferably something that involves looking at shop windows and frequent visits to the receiving teller at the bank. It is nice to have a job in a tall building overlooking the sea, with office hours from 3 to 5 p.m.

HOW EASY, AFTER ALL!

Many people, dear Cynthia, are hara.s.sed because they do not realize how easy it is to get out of a job which involves severe and concentrated effort. My child, you must not allow yourself to become discouraged.

Almost any job can be shaken off in time and with perseverance. Looking out of the window is a great help. There are very few businesses where what goes on in the office is half as interesting as what is happening on the street outside. If your desk does not happen to be near a window, so much the better. You can watch the sunset admirably from the window of the advertising manager's office. Call his attention to the rosy tints in the afterglow or the glorious pallor of the clouds. Advertising managers are apt to be insufficiently appreciative of these things.

Sometimes, when they are closeted with the Boss in conference, open the ground-gla.s.s door and say, "I think it is going to rain shortly." Carry your love of the beautiful into your office life. This will inevitably pave the way to simplification.

ENVELOPES WITH LOOP HOLES

And never open envelopes with little transparent panes of isingla.s.s in their fronts. Never keep copies of your correspondence. For, if your letters are correct, no copy will be necessary. And, if incorrect, it is far better not to have a copy. If you were to tell me the exact nature of your work I could offer many more specific hints.

YOUR INQUIRY, CHILD, TOUCHES MY HEART

I am intimately interested in your problem, my child, for I am a great believer in simplification. It is hard to follow out one's own precepts; but the root of happiness is never to contradict any one and never agree with any one. For if you contradict people, they will try to convince you; and if you agree with them, they will enlarge upon their views until they say something you will feel bound to contradict. Let me hear from you again.

TO AN UNKNOWN DAMSEL

On Fifth Street, in a small cafe, Upstairs (our tables were adjacent), I saw you lunching yesterday, And felt a secret thrill complacent.

You sat, and, waiting for your meal, You read a book. As I was eating, Dear me, how keen you made me feel To give you just a word of greeting!

And as your hand the pages turned, I watched you, dumbly contemplating-- O how exceedingly I yearned To ask the girl to keep you waiting.

I wished that I could be the maid To serve your meal or crumb your cloth, or Beguile some hazard to my aid To know your verdict on that author!

And still you read. You dropped your purse, And yet, adorably unheeding, You turned the pages, verse by verse,-- I watched, and worshiped you for reading!

You know not what restraint it took To mind my etiquette, nor flout it By telling you I know that book, And asking what you thought about it.

I cursed myself for being shy-- I longed to make polite advances; Alas! I let the time go by, And Fortune gives no second chances.

You read, but still your face was calm-- (I scanned it closely, wretched sinner!) You showed no sign---I felt a qualm-- And then the waitress brought your dinner.

Those modest rhymes, you thought them fair?

And will you sometimes praise or quote them?

And do you ask why I should care?

Oh, Lady, it was I who wrote them!

THOUGHTS ON SETTING AN ALARM CLOCK

Mark the monitory dial, Set the gong for six a.m.-- Then, until the hour of trial, Clock a little sleep, pro tem.

As I crank the dread alarum Stern resolve I try to fix: My ideals, shall I mar 'em When the awful moment ticks?

Heaven strengthen my intention, Grant me grace my vow to keep: Would the law enforced Prevention Of such Cruelty to Sleep!

SONGS IN A SHOWER BATH

[Ill.u.s.tration]

HOT WATER

Gently, while the drenching dribble Courses down my sweltered form, I am basking like a sybil, Lazy, languorous and warm.

I am unambitious, flaccid, Well content to drowse and dream: How I hate life's bitter acid-- Leave me here to stew and steam.

Underneath this jet so torrid I forget the world's sad wrath: O activity is horrid!

Leave me in my shower-bath!

COLD WATER

But when I turn the crank O Zeus!

A silver ecstasy thrills me!

I caper and slap my chilled thighs, I plan to make a card index of all my ideas And feel like an efficiency expert.

I tweak Fate by the nose And know I could succeed in _anything_.

I throw up my head And glut myself with icy splatter...

To-day I will really Begin my career!

ON DEDICATING A NEW TEAPOT

Boiling water now is poured, Pouches filled with fresh tobacco, Round the hospitable board Fragrant steams Ceylon or Pekoe.

Bread and b.u.t.ter is cut thin, Cream and sugar, yes, bring them on; Ginger cookies in their tin, And the dainty slice of lemon.