Mince Pie Part 14

Therefore all argument is quite useless, for it only results in stiffening your friend's belief in his (presumably wrong) Theory.

When any one tries to argue with you, say, "You are nothing if not accurate, and you are not accurate." Then escape from the room.

When we hear our friends diligently expounding the ideas which Explain Everything, we are wistful. We go off and say to ourself, We really must dig up some kind of Theory about Life.

We read once of a great man that he never said, "Well, possibly so."

This gave us an uneasy pang.

It is a mistake to be Open to Conviction on so many topics, because all one's friends try to convince one. This is very painful.

And it is embarra.s.sing if, for the sake of a quiet life, one pretends to be convinced. At the corner of Tenth and Chestnut we allowed ourself to agree with A.B., who said that the German colonies should be internationalized. Then we had to turn down Ninth Street because we saw C.D. coming, with whom we had previously agreed that Great Britain should have German Africa. And in a moment we had to dodge into Sansom Street to avoid E.F., having already a.s.sented to his proposition that the German colonies should have self-determination. This kind of thing makes it impossible to see one's friends more than one at a time.

Perhaps our Fixed Idea is that we have no Fixed Ideas.

Well, possibly so.

TRIALS OF A PRESIDENT TRAVELING ABROAD

10 a.m.--Arrive at railway station. Welcomed by King and Queen. Hat on head. Umbrella left hand. Gloves on.

10:01--Right glove off (hastily) into left hand. Hat off (right hand).

Umbrella hanging on left arm.

10:02--Right glove into left pocket. Hat to left hand. Shake hands with King.

10:03--Shake hands with Queen. Left glove off to receive flowers.

Umbrella to right hand.

10:04--Shake hands with Prime Minister. Left glove in left hand.

Umbrella back to left hand. Flowers in left hand. Hat in left hand.

10:05--Enter King's carriage. Try to drop flowers under carriage un.o.bserved. Foreign Minister picks them up with gallant remark.

10:06--Shake hands with Foreign Minister. In his emotional foreign manner he insists on taking both hands. Quick work: Umbrella to right elbow, gloves left pocket, hat under right arm, flowers to right pocket.

10:08--Received by Lord Mayor, who offers freedom of the city in golden casket. Casket in left hand, Lord Mayor in right hand Queen on left arm, umbrella on right arm flowers and gloves bursting from pockets hat (momentarily) on head.

10:10--Delegation of statesmen. Statesmen in right hand. Hat, umbrella, gloves, King, flowers, casket in left hand. Situation getting complicated.

10:15--Ceremonial reception by Queen Mother. Getting confused. Queen Mother in left pocket, umbrella on head, gloves on right hand, hat in left hand, King on head, flowers in trousers pocket. Casket under left arm.

10:17--Complete collapse. Failure of the League of Nations.

DIARY OF A PUBLISHER'S OFFICE BOY

Jan. 7, 1600. Thys daye ye Bosse bade mee remaine in ye Outer Office to keepe Callers from Hinderyng Hym in Hys affaires. There came an olde b.u.mme (ye same wch hath beene heare before) wth ye Scrypte of a Playe, dubbed Roumio ande Julia. Hys name was Shake a Speare or somethynge lyke thatt. Ye Bosse bade mee reade ye maunuscripp myselfe, as hee was Bussy.

I dyd. Ande of alle foulishnesse, thys playe dyd beare away ye prize.

Conceive ye Absuerditye of laying ye Sceane in Italy, it ys welle knowne that Awdiences will not abear nothyng that is not sett neare at Home.

b.u.t.t woa.r.s.e stille, thys fellowe presumes to kille offe Boath Heroe ande Heroine in ye Laste Acte, wch is Intolerabble toe ye Publicke. Suerley noe chaunce of Success in thys. Ye awthour dyd reappeare in ye aufternoone, and dyd seeke to borrowe a crowne from mee, but I sente hym packing. Ye Bosse hath heartilye given me Styx forr admitting such Vagabones to ye Office. I tolde maister Shake a Speare that unlesse hee colde learne to wryte Beste Sellers such as Master Spenser's Faerye Quene (wch wee have put through six editions) there was suerly noe Hope for hym. Hee tooke thys advyse in goode parte, and wente. Hys jerkin wolde have beene ye better for a patchinge.

THE DOG'S COMMANDMENTS

[Ill.u.s.tration]

From a witless puppy I brought thee up: gave thee fire and food, and taught thee the self-respect of an honest dog. Hear, then, my commandments:

I am thy master: thou shalt have no other masters before me. Where I go, shalt thou follow; where I abide, tarry thou also.

My house is thy castle; thou shalt honor it; guard it with thy life if need be.

By daylight, suffer all that approach peaceably to enter without protest. But after nightfall thou shalt give tongue when men draw near.

Use not thy teeth on any man without good cause and intolerable provocation; and never on women or children.

Honor thy master and thy mistress, that thy days may be long in the land.

Thou shalt not consort with mongrels, nor with dogs that are common or unclean.

Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not feed upon refuse or stray bits: thy meat waits thee regularly in the kitchen.

Thou shalt not bury bones in the flower beds.

Cats are to be chased, but in sport only; seek not to devour them: their teeth and claws are deadly.

Thou shalt not snap at my neighbor, nor at his wife, nor his child, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his a.s.s, nor do harm to aught that is his.