Memories Part 5

"My friend," said she, "we must never wish for the impossible. Had it been G.o.d's will that such a tie should unite us in this life, would He, forsooth, have imposed these burdens upon me which make me incapable of being else than a helpless child? Do not forget that what we call Fate, Circ.u.mstance, Relations, in life, is in reality only the work of Providence. To resist it is to resist G.o.d himself, and were it not so childish one might call it presumptuous. Men wander on earth like the stars in heaven. G.o.d has indicated the paths upon which they meet, and if they are to separate, they must. Resistance were useless, otherwise it would destroy the whole system of the world. We cannot understand it, but we can submit to it. I cannot myself understand why my inclination towards you was wrong. No! I cannot, will not call it wrong. But it cannot be, it is not to be. My friend, this is enough--we must submit in humility and faith."

Notwithstanding the calmness with which she spoke, I saw how deeply she suffered; and yet I thought it wrong to surrender so quickly in this battle of life. I restrained myself as much as I could, so that no pa.s.sionate word should increase her trouble, and said:

"If this is the last time we are to meet in this life, let us see clearly to whom we offer this sacrifice. If our love violated any higher law whatsoever, I would, as you say, bow myself in humility. It were a forgetfulness of G.o.d to oppose one's self to a higher will. It may seem at times as if men could delude G.o.d, as if their small sense had gained some advantage over the Divine wisdom. This is frenzy--and the man who commences this t.i.tanic battle; will be crushed and annihilated. But what opposes our love? Nothing but the talk of the world. I respect the customs of human society. I even respect them when, as in our time, they are over-refined and confused. A sick body needs artificial medicines, and without the barriers, the respect and the prejudices of society, at which we smile, it were impossible to hold mankind together as at present existing, and to accomplish the purpose of our temporal co-existence. We must sacrifice much to these divinities. Like the Athenians, we send every year a heavy boatload of youths and maidens as tribute to this monster which rules the labyrinth of our society. There is no longer a heart that has not broken; there is no longer a man of true feelings who has not been obliged to break the wings of his love before he came into the cage of society for rest. It must be so. It cannot be otherwise.

You know not life, but thinking only of my friends, I can tell you many volumes of tragedy.

"One loved a maiden, and the love was returned; but he was poor, she was rich. The fathers and relatives wrangled and sneered, and two hearts were broken. Why? Because the world looked upon it as a misfortune for a woman to wear a dress made of the wool of a shrub in America, and not of the fibres of a worm in China.

"Another loved a maiden, and was loved in return; but he was a Protestant, she was a Catholic. The mothers and the priests bred mischief, and two hearts were broken. Why? On account of a political game of chess which Charles V and Henry VIII played together, three hundred years ago.

"A third loved a maiden, and was loved in return; but he was a n.o.ble, she a peasant. The sisters were angry, and quarreled, and two hearts were broken. Why? Because, a hundred years ago, one soldier slew another in battle, who threatened the life of his king. This gave him t.i.tle and honors, and his great grandson expiated the blood shed at that time, with a disappointed life.

"The statisticians say a heart is broken every hour, and I believe it.

But why? In almost every case, because the world does not recognize love between 'strange people,' unless it be between man and wife. If two maidens love the same man--the one must fall as a sacrifice. If two men love the same maiden, one or both must fall as a sacrifice. Why? Cannot one love a maiden, without wishing to marry her? Cannot one look upon a woman, without desiring her for his own? You close your eyes, and I feel I have said too much. The world has changed the most sacred things in life into the most common. But, Marie, enough! Let us talk the language of the world when we must talk, and act in it, and with it. But let us preserve a sanctuary where two hearts can speak the pure language of the heart, undisturbed by the raging of the world without. The world itself honors this seclusion, this courageous resistance, which n.o.ble hearts, conscious of their own rect.i.tude, oppose to the ordinary course of things. The attentions, the amenities, the prejudices of the world are like a climbing plant. It is pleasant to see an ivy, with its thousand tendrils and roots, decorating the solid wall-work; but it should not be allowed too luxuriant growth, else it will penetrate every crevice of the structure, and destroy the cement which welds it together. Be mine, Marie; follow the voice of your heart. The word which now hangs upon your lips decides forever your life and mine--my happiness and yours."

I was silent. The hand I held in mine returned the warm pressure of the heart. A storm raged in her breast, and the blue heaven before me never seemed so beautiful as now, while the storm swept by, cloud upon cloud.

"Why do you love me?" said she, gently, as if she must still delay the moment of decision.

"Why, Marie? Ask the child why it is born; ask the flower why it blossoms; ask the sun why it shines. I love you because I must love you.

But if I am compelled to answer further, let this book, lying by you, which you love so much, speak for me:

["Das beste solte das liebste sin, und in diser libe solte nicht angesehen werden nuss und unnuss, fromen oder schaden, gewin oder vorl.u.s.t, ere oder unere, lob oder unlob oder diser keins, sunder was in der warheit das edelste und das aller beste ist, das solt auch das allerliebste sin, und umb nichts anders dan allein umb das, das es das edelst und das beste ist. Hie nach mocht ein mensche sin leben gerichten von ussen und von innen. Von ussen: wan under den creaturen ist eins besser dan das ander, dar nach dan das ewig gut in einem mer oder minner schinet und wurket dan in dem andern. In welchem nun das ewig gut aller meist schinet, luchtet, wurket und bekant und geliebet wirt, das ist ouch das beste under den creaturen; und in welchem dis minst ist, das ist ouch das aller minst gut. So nu der mensche die creatur handelt und da mit umb get, und disen underscheit bekennet, so sol im ie die beste creatur die liebste sin und sol sich mit flis zu ir halden und sich da mit voreinigen. . ."]

"The best should be the most loved, and in this love there should be no consideration of advantage or disadvantage, gain or loss, honor or dishonor, praise or blame, or anything else, but of that which in reality is the n.o.blest and best, which should be the dearest of all; and for no other reason, but because it is the n.o.blest and best. According to this a man should plan his inner and outer life. From without: if among mankind there is one better than another, in proportion as the eternally good shines or works more in one than in another. That being in whom the eternally good shines, works, is known and loved most, is therefore the best among mankind; and in whom this is most, there is also the most good. As now a man has intercourse with a being, and apprehends this distinction, then the best being should be the dearest to him, and he should fervently cling to it, and unite himself with it. . . . . ."

"Because you are the most perfect creature that I know, Marie, therefore I am good to you, therefore you are dear to me, therefore we love each other. Speak the word which lives in you, say that you are mine. Deny not your innermost convictions. G.o.d has imposed a life of suffering upon you. He sent me to bear it with you. Your sorrow shall be my sorrow, and we will bear it together, as the ship bears the heavy sails which guide it through the storms of life into the safe haven at last."

She grew more and more silent, A gentle flush played upon her cheeks like the quiet evening gleam. Then she opened her eyes full--the sun gleamed all at once with marvellous l.u.s.tre.

"I am yours," said she. "G.o.d wills it. Take me just as I am; so long as I live I am yours, and may G.o.d bring us together again in a more beautiful life, and recompense your love."

We lay heart to heart. My lips closed the lips upon which had just now hung the blessing of my life, with a gentle kiss. Time stood still for us. The world about us disappeared. Then a deep sigh escaped from her breast. "May G.o.d forgive me for this rapture," she whispered. "Leave me alone now, I cannot endure more. _Auf wiedersehen_! my friend, my loved one, my savior."

These were the last words I ever heard from her. But no--I had reached home and was lying upon my bed in troubled dreams. It was past midnight when the Hofrath entered my room. "Our angel is in Heaven," said he; "here is the last greeting she sends you." With these words he gave me a letter. It enclosed the ring which she had given me, and I once had given her, with the words: "_As G.o.d wills_." It was wrapped in an old paper, whereon she had some time written the words I spoke to her when a child: "What is thine, is mine. Thy Marie."

Hours long, we sat together without speaking. It was a spiritual swoon which Heaven sends us when the load of pain becomes greater than we can bear. At last the old man arose, took my hand and said: "We see each other to-day for the last time, for you must leave here, and my days are numbered. There is but one thing I must say to you--a secret which I have carried all my life, and confessed to no one. I have always longed to confess it to some one. Listen to me. The spirit which has left us was a beautiful spirit, a majestic, pure soul, a deep, true heart. I knew one spirit as beautiful as hers--still more beautiful. It was her mother. I loved her mother, and she loved me. We were both poor, and I struggled with life to obtain an honorable position both on her account and my own. The young Prince saw my bride and loved her. He was my Prince; he loved her ardently. He was ready to make any sacrifice and to elevate her, the poor orphan, to the rank of Princess. I loved her so that I sacrificed the happiness of my love for her. I forsook my native land and wrote her I would release her from her vow. I never saw her again, except on her death-bed. She died in giving birth to her first daughter. Now you know why I loved your Marie, and prolonged her life from day to day. She was the only being that linked my heart to this life. Bear life as I have borne it. Lose not a day in useless lamentation. Help mankind whenever you can. Love them and thank G.o.d that you have seen and known and loved on this earth such a human heart as hers--and that you have lost it."

"_As G.o.d will_." said I, and we parted for life.

And days and weeks and months and years have flown. Home is a stranger to me, and a foreign land is my home. But her love remains with me, and as a tear drops into the ocean, so has her love dropped into the living ocean of humanity and pervades and embraces millions--millions of the "strange people" whom I have so loved from childhood.

Only on quiet summer days like this, when one in the green woods has nature alone at heart, and knows not whether there are human beings.

without, or he is living entirely alone in the world, then there is a stir in the graveyard of memory, the dead thoughts, rise again, the full omnipotence of love returns to the heart and streams out from that beautiful being who once looked upon me with her deep unfathomable eyes.

Then it seems as if the love for the millions were lost in the love for the one, my good angel, and my thoughts are dumb in the presence of the incomprehensible enigma of endless and everlasting love.