Matters Of The Heart Part 2

"A lonely childhood. My parents were very close, and I think I felt left out a lot of the time. There wasn't a lot of room for a child in their lives. They were older. My father was a doctor, and my mother had been a famous beauty in Ireland. She was fascinated by his work, and a lot less interested in me. So I developed a rich fantasy life, and spent all my time reading. I always knew I wanted to write. I wrote my first book at eighteen."

"Was it published?" she asked, impressed. And he laughed as he shook his head.

"No, it wasn't. I wrote three that were never published. I finally got published with my fourth. I had just graduated from college by then." She knew he had gone to Columbia and then later Oxford. "Success didn't come till a lot later."

"What did you do until you were published?"

"Studied, read, kept writing. Drank a lot." He laughed. "Chased women. I got married fairly young. I was twenty-five, it was right after my second book came out. I worked as a waiter and a carpenter too. Michael's mother was a model in New York." He smiled sheepishly at Hope. "I've always had a fatal weakness for beautiful women. She was a terrific-looking girl. Spoiled, difficult, narcissistic, but she was one of the prettiest women I've ever seen. She was young too, and things fell apart very quickly when we had Michael. I don't think either of us was ready to have a child. She stopped modeling, and we partied a lot. I didn't have a lot of money, and we were both miserable."

"How did she die?" Hope asked gently. What he was describing sounded more like a divorce in the making than a tragic loss for him, and she wasn't far off the mark.

"She was. .h.i.t by a drunk driver, coming back from a party in the Hamptons late one night. We'd been separated off and on before, and thank G.o.d, she always left Michael with me when she went somewhere like that. She was twenty-eight years old, and I was thirty-three. We probably would have gotten divorced eventually. But I still felt awful about it when she died. And suddenly I was alone with my son. They weren't easy years. But fortunately, he's a great kid, and he seems to have forgiven me most of the mistakes I made, and there were quite a few along the way. I'd lost my own parents by then, so there was no one to help us, but we managed. I took care of him myself. It made us both grow up." He smiled the smile that was half-boy, half-handsome prince that had been melting women's hearts for years. It was easy to see why. There was something so honest and open and ingenuous about him. He didn't try to hide his flaws or his fears.

"You never remarried?" Hope was fascinated by his life story.

"I was too busy with my son. And now I feel like it's too late. I'm too selfish and too set in my ways. And since Michael has been gone, it's the first time I've been on my own. I wanted to savor it for a bit. And being married to a writer isn't much fun. I'm chained to my desk most of the time. Sometimes I don't leave the house for months. I couldn't ask anyone to take that on, and it's what I love to do."

"I feel that way about my work too," she agreed. "It's all-consuming at times. My husband was very good about it, and very supportive. And he was busy too. Very Very busy, at the height of his career. Being a doctor's wife can be lonely too. But it wasn't for me." She hesitated for a minute and looked away, and then smiled wist fully at Finn. "I had other things to do." He a.s.sumed that she meant her work, which made sense to him. She had produced an enormous amount of work over the years. busy, at the height of his career. Being a doctor's wife can be lonely too. But it wasn't for me." She hesitated for a minute and looked away, and then smiled wist fully at Finn. "I had other things to do." He a.s.sumed that she meant her work, which made sense to him. She had produced an enormous amount of work over the years.

"What did he do after he had to retire?"

"He taught, at Harvard. The academic world was familiar to me, because of my father, although Harvard was more compet.i.tive than Dartmouth, loftier maybe, and a little more cutthroat. Teaching wasn't enough for Paul, so he helped to start two companies that made surgical equipment. He got very involved in that, and he did very well with it. I think it's what saved him for the first few years, when he couldn't practice anymore. It took some of the sting out of being sick, for a while anyway, to succeed at something else. And then he got worse. And a lot of things changed. It's hard to see him so sick at his age. He's still a relatively young man." She looked sad as she said it, remembering how he had looked at lunch the day before, having trouble walking and feeding himself, and he was still so dignified and strong, even if he was frail.

"What does he do now? Do you miss him?"

"Yes. But he didn't want me taking care of him. He's very proud. And everything changed for us, after he was sick ... and other things that happened. Life sweeps you away at times, and even if you love someone, you can't find your way back again. He bought a sailboat three years ago, and lives on it a lot of the time now. The rest of the time, he's in London, and he goes to Boston for treatment, and then to New York for a few days. It's getting harder for him to get around on his own. Being on the boat is easier for him. His crew takes good care of him. He left for the Caribbean today."

"How sad," Finn said pensively. It was hard for him to understand why Paul had let Hope get away. And from the way she talked about him, Finn could tell that she still loved her ex-husband and cared about what happened to him. "I guess it wouldn't be a bad life for a healthy man. I suppose if you're sick, nothing is much fun anymore."

"No, it's not," Hope said softly. "He's part of an experimental program treating Parkinson's at Harvard. He's been doing fairly well until recently."

"And now?"

"Not so well." She didn't offer the details, and Finn nodded.

"So what about you, when you're not running off to Tibet and India and living in monasteries?" He smiled as he asked the question. They had both finished their drinks by then.

"I'm based in New York. I travel a lot for my work. And I go to Cape Cod when I have time, which isn't often. Most of the time, I'm flying around taking photographs, or working on museum shows of my work."

"Why Cape Cod?"

"My parents left me a house there. It's where we spent summers when I was a child, and I love it. It's in Wellfleet, which is a charming, sleepy little town. There's nothing fancy or fashionable about it. The house is very simple, but it suits me, and I'm comfortable there. It has a beautiful view of the ocean. We used to go there for summers, when I was married. We lived in Boston then. I moved to New York two years ago. I have a very nice loft there, in SoHo."

"And no one to share it with?"

She smiled as she shook her head. "I'm comfortable the way things are. Like you, it's difficult being married to a photographer who's never home. I can do things now that I never did when I was married. I float all over the world, and live out of a suitcase. It's the opposite of what you do, locked in a room, writing, but it's not very entertaining for someone else when I travel or even work. I never thought about it as selfish," as he had said about his own work, "but maybe it is. I don't answer to anyone now, and I don't have to be anywhere." He nodded as he listened, and they ordered dinner then. They were both having pasta, and decided to skip the first course. It was interesting to learn about each other's lives, and he told her more about his house in Ireland then. It was easy to see how much he loved it and what it meant to him. It was part of his history and the tapestry of his life, woven into his being and dear to his heart.

"You have to come and see it sometime," he offered, and she was curious about it.

"What sort of doctor was your father?" she asked him over their pasta, which was as delicious as he had promised, and as she remembered. The food there was better than ever.

"General medicine. My grandfather had been a landowner in Ireland, and never did much more than that. But my father was more industrious, and had studied in the States. He went back to marry my mother, and brought her over with him, but she never adjusted well to life away from Ireland. She died fairly young, and he not long after. I was in college then, and I always had a fascination with Ireland because of them. Their being Irish made it easy for me to get the nationality when I wanted it.

"And tax-wise, it made sense for me to give up my U.S. citizenship eventually. You can't beat no income tax for writers. That was a pretty appealing setup for me, once the books were doing well. And now that I have my great-great-grandparents' house back, I guess I'm there forever, although I don't think I'll ever be able to convince Michael to move there. He wants a career in the high-tech world when he graduates from MIT, and there are plenty of opportunities in Dublin, but he's determined to live in the States and work in Silicon Valley or Boston. He's an all-American kid. It's his turn to find his way now. I don't want to interfere with him, although I miss him like crazy." He smiled ruefully at Hope as he said it, and she nodded and looked pensive. "Maybe he'll change his mind and move to Ireland later, as I did. It's in his blood. And I would love it, but he's not interested in living in Ireland now."

He wondered why she had never had children, but didn't dare ask her. Maybe her husband had been too involved in his medical career at Harvard to want them, and she had been too busy attending to him. She was so gentle and nurturing that she seemed like the sort of woman who would do that, although she was deeply involved in her own career now. She had said they'd been married for twenty-one years.

Exchanging their histories and talking about their artistic pa.s.sions made the evening go quickly, and they were both sorry when the evening came to an end and they left the restaurant after a predictably delicious dinner. Hope had indulged herself with the candies and chocolates Harry's Bar was known for, after dinner. And Finn confessed that he was always sorely tempted to steal the brightly colored Venetian ashtrays, when they had had them on the tables, when smoking was still allowed. She laughed at the image of his sneaking one into the pocket of his well-tailored dark blue suit. She couldn't see him do it, although she had to admit, it might have been tempting. She had always liked their ashtrays too. They were considered collectors' items now.

He started to drive her back to Claridge's after dinner, and then hesitated before they got there.

"Can I talk you into one more drink? You can't leave London without going to Annabel's, and it's almost Christmas. It'll be lively there," he suggested, looking hopeful, and she was about to decline, but she didn't want to hurt his feelings. She was tired, but game for one more gla.s.s of champagne. Talking to him was delightful, and she hadn't had an evening like this in years, and doubted she would again anytime soon. Her life in New York was quiet and solitary and didn't include nightclubs and fancy dinners, or invitations from handsome men like Finn.

"All right, just one drink," she agreed. And Annabel's was packed when they walked in. It was as busy and festive as he promised. They sat in the bar, had two gla.s.ses of champagne each, and he danced with her before they left and then drove her back to Claridge's. It had been a terrific evening, for both of them. He loved talking to her, and she enjoyed his company too.

"After a night like this, I wonder what I'm doing, living in solitude outside Dublin. You make me want to move back here," Finn said as they got back to her hotel. He turned off the engine, and turned to look at her. "I think I realized tonight that I miss London. I don't spend enough time here. But if I did, you wouldn't be here, so it wouldn't be any fun anyway." She laughed at what he said. There was a boyish side to him that appealed to her, and a sophisticated side that dazzled her a little. It was a heady combination. And he felt the same way about her. He liked her gentleness, intelligence, and subtle but nonetheless lively sense of humor. He'd had a terrific time, better than he had in years, or so he said. He was also charming, so she didn't know if he was telling the truth, but it didn't really matter. They had obviously both enjoyed it.

"I had a wonderful time, Finn. Thank you. You didn't have to do all that," she said graciously.

"It was great for me too. I wish you weren't leaving tomorrow," he said sadly.

"So do I," she confessed. "I always forget how much I like London." The night life there had always been great, and she loved the museums, which she hadn't had enough time to visit at all on this trip.

"Could I talk you into staying for another day?" he asked her, looking hopeful, and she hesitated, but shook her head.

"I shouldn't. I really ought to get back, and I have to edit your pictures. They're working on a pretty tight deadline."

"Duty calls. I hate that," he said, looking disappointed. "I'll call you the next time I come to New York," he promised. "I don't know when, but I will, sooner or later."

"I won't be able to give you a night as nice as this."

"There are some good places in New York too. I have my favorite haunts." She was sure he did. And in Dublin too. And probably everywhere he went. Finn didn't seem to be the sort of man to sit around at home at night, except when he was writing. "Thank you for having dinner with me tonight, Hope," he thanked her politely as they got out of the car. It was freezing cold, and he walked her into the lobby as she held her coat tightly around her in the icy wind. "I'll be in touch," he promised, as she thanked him again. "Have a safe trip back."

"Enjoy your holidays with Michael," she said warmly, smiling up at him.

"He'll only be here for a few days, and then he'll be off skiing with his friends. I only get about five minutes with him these days. It's of the age. I'm d.a.m.n near obsolete."

"Enjoy whatever time you get," she said wisely, and he kissed her cheek.

"Take care of yourself, Hope. I had a wonderful day."

"Thank you, Finn. So did I. I'll send you the proofs of the pictures as soon as I can." He thanked her and waved, as she walked into the lobby alone, with her head down, thinking. She had had such a nice time, far more than she'd expected. And as she got in the elevator and rode up to her floor, she was genuinely sorry to be leaving the next day. After London, it was going to seem very dull now to go up to the Cape for Christmas.

Chapter 4.

It was snowing again when Hope got back to New York. The next morning she looked out her window at six inches of snow blanketing Prince Street, and decided not to drive to Cape Cod. Being in London had reminded her of how much fun it could be in the city, and when everyone else went shopping that afternoon, the day before Christmas Eve, Hope went to the Metropolitan Museum, to see a new medieval exhibit there, and then walked back down to SoHo through the still-falling snow, which by then had been called a blizzard.

The city was almost shut down. There was no traffic on the streets, cabs were impossible to find, and only a few hardy souls like her were walking home, trudging through the snow. Offices had closed early, and schools were already on vacation. Her cheeks were red and her eyes tearing, and her hands were tingling from the cold when she got back to her loft, and put the kettle on for tea. It had been an invigorating walk, and a delightful afternoon. And she had just sat down with a steaming cup of tea when Mark Webber called her from home. His office was closed till New Year's. There were no a.s.signments likely to come up between Christmas and New Year.

"So how was it?" he asked, curious about O'Neill.

"He was great. Interesting, smart, easy to shoot, terrific looking. He was everything you'd expect him to be, and nothing like his books, which are always so complicated and dark. I haven't started editing the shots yet, but we got some great ones."

"Did he try to rape you?" Mark asked, only half-joking.

"No. He took me for a very civilized dinner at Harry's Bar, and to Annabel's afterward for a drink. He treated me like a visiting dignitary and great-aunt."

"Hardly. Going to the most fashionable restaurant and nightclub in London is not exactly what you do with a great-aunt."

"He was very proper," Hope rea.s.sured him, "and wonderful to talk to. He's a man of many interests. I almost wish I'd shot him in Dublin, it sounds like he's more in his element there, but I'm fairly certain we got the shots his publisher wanted. Maybe more than they need. He's cooperative and very pleasant to work with." She didn't add that he looked like a movie star, which he did. "His London house is the size of a postage stamp, which was a b.i.t.c.h with the equipment, but we managed. The one outside Dublin sounds like Buckingham Palace. I'd have liked to see it."

"Well, thanks for doing it on such short notice. His publisher is d.a.m.n lucky. What are you doing over the holiday, Hope? Are you still going to the Cape?" It seemed unlikely in the blizzard, and unwise. He hoped not.

She smiled as she looked out the window, at the continuing swirls of snow. There were nearly two feet of it on the ground now, and it was still coming, while the wind blew it into towering drifts. They had promised three feet by morning. "Not in this weather," she said, smiling. "Even I'm not that crazy, although it would be pretty once I got there." Most of the roads had been closed by that afternoon, and getting there would have been a nightmare. "I'll stay here." Finn had given her his latest book to read, she had some photographs she wanted to sort through for a gallery in San Francisco that wanted to give her a show, and she had Finn's shoot to edit.

"Call if you get lonely," he said kindly, but knew she wouldn't. Hope was very independent, and had led a solitary, quiet life for several years. But he at least wanted her to know that someone cared about her. He worried about her at times, although he knew she was good at keeping busy. She was just as likely to be taking photographs on the streets of Harlem on Christmas Eve, as shooting in a coffee shop for truckers on Tenth Avenue at four in the morning. It was what she did, and how she loved spending her time. Mark admired her for it, and the work that resulted from it had made her famous.

"I'll be fine," she rea.s.sured him, and sounded as though she meant it.

After they hung up, she lit candles, turned off the lights, and sat looking at the snow falling outside, through her big windows without curtains. She loved the light, and had never bothered to put up shades. The streetlamps lit up the room along with the candles, and she was lying on the couch, observing the winter scene, when the phone rang again. She couldn't imagine who it would be, on the night before Christmas Eve. Her phone only rang during business hours, and it was always about work. When she picked it up, the voice was unfamiliar to her.

"Hope?"

"Yes." She waited to hear who it was.

"It's Finn. I called to make sure you got back okay. I hear there's a blizzard in New York." His voice sounded warm and friendly, and the call was a pleasant surprise.

"There is," she confirmed about the blizzard. "I walked from the Metropolitan Museum all the way downtown to SoHo. I loved it."

"You're a hardy soul," he said, laughing. His voice was deep and smooth in her ears. "You'd do well on the hills where my house is, outside Dublin. You can walk for miles, from village to village. I often do, but not in a blizzard in New York. I tried to call my publisher today, and they were closed."

"Everyone is, for the holidays by now anyway, even without the snow."

"And what are you doing for Christmas, Hope?" It was obvious she wasn't going to the Cape now, with a blizzard in New York.

"I'll probably float around, and take some pictures. I have a few ideas. And I want to look at your shoot, and start working on it."

"Isn't there someone you want to spend the holiday with?" He sounded sad for her.

"No. I enjoy spending it on my own." It wasn't entirely true, but it was the way things were. She had learned to accept that, from the monks in Tibet and in the ashram. "It's just another day. How's your son?" she asked, changing the subject.

"He's fine. He's out for dinner with a friend." She realized as she glanced at her watch that it was eleven o'clock at night in London, and it made her think of the pleasant evening they had spent together.

"He's leaving for Switzerland in two days. I'm getting short shrift this time. That's what twenty-year-olds are like. I can't blame him. I did the same thing at his age. You couldn't have paid me to spend time with my parents then. He's a lot nicer than I was. His girlfriend is flying in tomorrow, and at least I'll have Christmas with them, before they leave that night."

"What will you do then?" she asked, curious about him. In some ways, he seemed almost as solitary as she was, although he had a far bigger social life, and a son. But the life he had described in Dublin, when he was writing, was much like hers in her SoHo loft, or at the Cape. Despite their differences in style, they had found they had a lot in common.

"I'm thinking I'll go back to Dublin on Christmas night. I have a book to finish, and I'm working on the outline for the new one. And everyone leaves London like a sinking ship for their country houses. I'd rather be in Russborough then." It was the small town outside Dublin, closest to his house, where he lived. He had told her all about it over dinner. His palatial home was just north of Russborough, where there was another historical Palladian mansion, much like his, only in better shape, he claimed. She was sure his was beautiful too, in spite of its need for restoration. "And you'll go to the Cape after the blizzard?"

"Probably in a few days. Although it will be very cold on the ocean, if the storm moves up there, which they say it will. I can wait till the roads are clear at least. But the house will be cozy once I get there."

"Well, have a nice Christmas, Hope," he said kindly, and there was something wistful in his voice. He had enjoyed meeting her, and he had no real reason to call her again, until he saw the photographs she took. He was looking forward to seeing them, and talking to her again. He felt an odd connection to her, and wasn't sure why. She was a nice woman, and he had felt as though he could get lost in her eyes. He had wanted to learn more about her, and she had told him many things, about her life with Paul, and her divorce, but he had a feeling that there were walls she had put up long before, and no one was invited to go behind them. She was very guarded, and yet warm and compa.s.sionate at the same time. She was a woman of mystery to him, as parts of him had been to her. And the unanswered questions intrigued them both. They were people who were accustomed to looking into other people's hearts and souls, and yet had been elusive with each other.

"You too. Have a lovely Christmas with your son," she said softly, and a moment later, they hung up, and she sat staring at the phone, still somewhat surprised by the call. It had been unnecessary, friendly, and pleasant, and reminded her of the nice evening she had spent with him two days before. It already seemed like aeons ago now that she was back in New York. London felt like it was a million miles away on another planet.

And she was even more surprised when an email from him came in later that night. "I enjoyed speaking to you earlier. I am haunted by your eyes, and the many mysteries I saw in them. I hope we meet again soon. Take care. Happy Christmas. Finn." She noticed he used "happy" instead of "merry," like the English, and she didn't know what to make of his email. It made her slightly uncomfortable, and she remembered her agent's warnings about his being a womanizer. Was Finn just trying to charm her? Another conquest? And yet, he had been totally circ.u.mspect with her in London. And what mysteries did he mean? What was he seeing? Or was he only playing with her? But something about the tone of his email, and their conversation that evening, struck her as sincere. Maybe he did normally chase after women, but she didn't have the feeling that he was chasing her. And she was struck by the word "haunted." She didn't answer him until the next day. She didn't want to seem anxious, and she wasn't. She hoped that they would be friends. That happened sometimes with her subjects. There were many who had become friends over the years, even if she didn't see them often, and only heard from them from time to time.

She answered Finn's email as she sat down at her desk with a cup of tea on the morning of Christmas Eve. The world was silent and white outside, blanketed by virgin snow, and it was afternoon in London.

"Thank you for your email. I enjoyed talking to you too. It's beautiful here today, a winter wonderland of perfect snow everywhere. I'm going to go to Central Park to take photographs of children sledding, very mundane, but appealing. There are no mysteries, only unanswered questions that have no answers, and the memory of people who enter and leave our lives, for a short or long time, and stay only as long as they are meant to. We cannot change the patterns of life, but only observe them, and bend to their will with grace. May your Christmas be warm and happy. Hope."

Much to her surprise, he answered her within the hour, just as she was leaving the house in all her snow gear, with her camera over her arm. She heard her computer say "You've got mail," went back to check, and pulled off her gloves to press the b.u.t.ton. The email was from Finn.

"You are the most graceful woman I have ever met. I wish I were there with you today. I want to go to Central Park to go sledding with the children. Take me with you. Finn." She smiled at his answer, it was his boyish side surfacing again. She didn't respond, but put her gloves back on, and left the house. She wasn't sure what to say to him, and was hesitant to get into a serious correspondence with him. She didn't want to play a game with him and lead him on.

She found a cab outside the Mercer Hotel less than a block away, and it took them half an hour to get to Central Park. Some of the streets were clear, although many weren't and it was slow going. The driver dropped her off at the south end of the park, and she walked in past the zoo. And eventually she found the hills where children were sledding, some on old-fashioned sleds, others on plastic disks, many with plastic garbage bags tied around them by their parents. Their mothers were standing by, watching, trying to stay warm, and the fathers were chasing them down the hill, picking them up when they had spills. The children were squealing and laughing and having fun, as she discreetly took photographs, zooming in on their faces full of excitement and wonder, and suddenly in a way she hadn't expected it to, the scene shot her backward in time, and a spear lodged in her heart that she couldn't remove, even by turning away. She felt tears sting her eyes, not from the cold this time, and she took photographs of the icy limbs of the trees in abstract patterns to distract herself, but it was useless. She felt breathless with the pain of what she was experiencing, and finally, with tears burning her eyes, she put the camera over her shoulder, turned away, and walked back down the hill. She left the park at a dead run, trying to flee the ghosts she had seen there, and she didn't stop running until she reached Fifth Avenue, and headed back downtown. It hadn't happened to her in years. She was still shaken when she got home.

She took off her coat and stood staring out the window for a long time, and when she turned away, she noticed Finn's email on her computer from that morning, and read it again. She didn't have the heart or the energy to answer him. She was drained from the emotions she had felt in the park that afternoon. And as she turned away from the computer, she realized with a sinking heart that it was Christmas Eve, which made it worse. She always did everything she could to avoid sentimental situations at Christmas, even more so since the divorce. And now, after watching children sledding in the park, everything she normally hid from had hit her broadside, and knocked her flat. She flipped on the TV to distract herself, and was instantly a.s.saulted with Christmas carols sung by a children's chorus. She laughed ruefully to herself as she turned off the TV again, and sat down at the computer, hoping that answering Finn's email would distract her. She didn't know what else to do. The night ahead of her looked long and sad, like a mountain range to climb.

"Hi. It's Christmas Eve, and I'm a mess," she typed out quickly. "I hate Christmas. I had a visit today from the ghost of Christmas past. It nearly killed me. I hope you're having a nice time with Michael. Merry Christmas! Hope." She hit the send b.u.t.ton and then regretted it instantly when she reread her message. It sounded pathetic even to her. But there was nothing she could do to get it back.

It was midnight in London, and she didn't expect to hear from him till the next day, if at all. So she was startled to hear her computer tell her she had an email. It was an immediate response from Finn.

"Tell the ghost of Christmas past to get lost, and lock your door behind him. Life is about the future, not the past. I don't love Christmas a lot either. I want to see you again. Soon. Finn." It was short and to the point and a little scary. Why did he want to see her? Why were they emailing each other? And more importantly, why was she writing to him? She had no idea what the answer was to that question, or what she hoped to get from him.

She lived in New York, he lived in Dublin. They had separate lives and interests, and he was a subject at a photo shoot and nothing more than that to her. But she kept thinking of things he had said to her at dinner, and his eyes when he looked at her. She was beginning to feel haunted by him, which was the same thing he had said about her in his email. It left her feeling a little bit unnerved, but she answered him anyway, reminding herself to keep it businesslike and upbeat. She didn't want to start some sort of soph.o.m.oric email romance with him, just because she was lonely and it was Christmas. She was well aware that it would be a big mistake. And he was way out of her league, leading a somewhat jet-set international life, with women at his feet. She didn't want to be one of them, and she had no desire to compete.

"Thank you. Sorry for the maudlin email. I'm fine. Just a touch of holiday blues. Nothing a hot bath and a good night's sleep won't cure. All the best, Hope." It seemed a little better to her as she sent it off, and his answer was quick and sounded annoyed.

"Holiday blues are to be expected, over the age of 12. And what's with 'All the best'? Don't be so cowardly. I'm not going to eat you, and I'm not the ghost of Christmas past. Bah humbug. Have a gla.s.s of champagne. It always helps. Love, Finn."

"s.h.i.t!" she said as she read it to herself a minute later. "'Love,' my a.s.s. Now look what you've done!" she said aloud to herself, feeling even more nervous. She decided not to answer it, but took one piece of his advice, and poured herself a gla.s.s of wine. His email sat on her screen all night and she ignored it, but she read it again before she went to bed, and told herself it didn't mean a thing. But in spite of that, she thought it was best if she didn't respond, and when she climbed the ladder to her sleeping loft, she told herself she'd feel better in the morning. As she moved to turn off the light, she saw the wall of photographs of the young ballerina. She stood staring at them for a long moment, and then got into bed, turned off the light, and buried her head in the pillows.

Chapter 5.

As she hoped she would, Hope felt better when she woke up in the morning. It was Christmas Day, but there was no reason to treat it differently from any other day. She called Paul on his boat, which was her only concession to the holiday. He sounded all right, although he'd caught a cold on the plane leaving London, which was dangerous for him. They wished each other a Merry Christmas, stayed off sensitive subjects, and hung up after a few minutes. After that she took out a box of photographs to edit for her next show, and pored over the images for several hours. It was two o'clock in the afternoon before she looked up, and decided to go for a walk. She glanced at the email from Finn again, and turned off the computer. She didn't want to encourage him, or start something she didn't want to finish or pursue.