Masques & Phases Part 15

THE DEVIL. Salome! You do not know what you ask. Mr. Redford is a kind of religion. He represents the Lord Chamberlain. You know the dear Lord Chamberlain. You would not harm one of his servants, especially when they are not insured. It would be cruel. It would be irreligious. It would be in bad taste. It would not be respectable. Listen to me; I will give you all Herod's Stores . . . Salome. Shannon was right. You HAVE taken too much, or you would not ask this thing. See, I will give you Mr. Redford's body, but not his head. Not that, not that, my child.

SALOME. I want Mr. Redford's head on a four-wheel cab.

THE DEVIL. Salome, I must tell you a secret. It is terrible for me to have to tell the truth. The Commander said that I would have to tell the truth. MR. REDFORD HAS NO HEAD!

[_The audience long before this have begun to put on their cloaks, and the dramatic critics have gone away to describe the cold reception with which the play has been greeted. All the people on the stage cover their heads except the_ STATUE, _who has become during the action of the piece more and more like Mr. Bernard Shaw. Curtain descends slowly_.

(1907.)

_To_ ARTHUR CLIFTON, ESQ.

SOME DOCTORED DILEMMA.

A NEW EPILOGUE FOR THE LAST PERFORMANCE OF MR. SHAW'S PLAY.

Though Mr. Bernard Shaw has set the fashion in prologues for modern plays, his admirers were not altogether satisfied with the epilogue to _The Doctor's Dilemma_. It is far too short; and leaves us in the dark as to whom 'Jennifer Dubedat' married. Epilogues, as students of English drama remember, were often composed by other authors. The following experiment ought to have come from the hand of Mr. St. John Hankin, that master of Dramatic Sequels, but his work on the 'Ca.s.silis Engagement'

deprived Mr. Shaw of the only possible collaborator.

[SCENE: _A Bury Street Picture Gallery_--MESSRS. GERSAINT & CO. _The clock strikes ten, and_ SIR COLENSO RIDGEON _is seen going out rather crestfallen by centre door_. MR. GERSAINT, _the manager, is nailing up a notice_ ('_All works of art, for art's sake or sale; prices on application. Catalogue_ 1_s_.). MR. JACK STEPNEY, _the secretary, is receiving the private view cards from the visitors who are trooping in; some sneak catalogues as they enter, and on being asked for payment protest and produce visiting cards and press vouchers instead of shillings. Artists, Royal Academicians_, MR. EDMUND GOSSE, _and other members of the House of Lords discovered; men of letters, art critics, connoisseurs, journalists, collectors, dealers, private viewers, impostors, dramatic critics, poets, pickpockets, politicians crowd the stage. From time to time_ JACK STEPNEY _places a red star on the picture frames in the course of the action_.]

J. STEPNEY. I thought all the pictures had been bought by Dr.

Schutzmacher.

GERSAINT. So they were, my boy, but he has wired saying they are all to be put up for sale at double the price; capital business, you see we shall get two commissions.

J. STEPNEY. Yes, sir. It is fortunate Mrs. Dubedat did not have the prices marked in the Catalogue.

GERSAINT. You mean Mrs. Schutzmacher. (_Drives in last nail_).

J. STEPNEY. Yes, sir.

_Enter a striking-looking-man, not unlike a Holbein drawing, at a distance: but on nearer inspection, as he comes within range of the footlights, he is more like an Isaac Oliver or Nicholas Lucidel. He examines the notice and sniffs_.

S.L.M.N.U.H.D. Which are the works of Art?

EDMUND GOSSE. Can you tell me who that is? He is one of the few people I don't know by sight. A celebrity of course; and do point out any obscurities. Every one is so distinguished. It is rather confusing.

GERSAINT. That is the Holland Park Wonder, so-called because he lives at the top of a tower in Holland Park--the greatest Art Connoisseur in England. Mr. Charles Ricketts, the greatest--

EDMUND GOSSE. Thank you; thank you.

MR. FREDERICK WEDMORE (_interrupting_). Can you tell me whether the frames are included in the prices of the pictures?

J. STEPNEY. No, sir. They are stock frames, the property of the Gallery, and are only lent for the occasion.

MR. FREDERICK WEDMORE. Then I fear I cannot buy; a naked picture without a frame is useless to me.

CHARLES RICKETTS. Do you think I could buy a frame without a picture?

JOSEPH PENNELL. I say Ricketts, it seems a beastly shame we didn't get this show for the International. It would have been good 'ad.' What's the use of Backers? I see they're selling well.

CHARLES RICKETTS. But, my dear Pennell, you're doing the _Life_, aren't you?--the real Dubedat?

JOSEPH PENNELL. Oh, yes, but the family have injuncted Heinemann from publishing the letters: Mr. Justice Kekewich will probably change his opinion when the weather gets warmer. It is only an interim injunction.

CHARLES RICKETTS. A sort of Clapham Injunction.

SIR WILLIAM RICHMOND, K.C.B., R.A. If I had known what a stupendous genius Dubedat was, I should have given him part of the 'New Bailey' to decorate.

D. S. MACCOLL. Let us be thankful he's as dead as Bill Bailey.

SIR CHARLES HOLROYD (_smoothing things over_). I think we ought to have an example for the Tate. (MACCOLL _winces_.) The Chantrey Bequest--(MACCOLL _winces again_)--might do something; and I must write to Lord Balcarres. The National Arts Collections Fund may have something over from the subscriptions to the Rokeby Velasquez; but I want to see what Colvin is going to choose for the British Museum.

SIDNEY COLVIN. I think we might have this drawing; it stands on its legs. A most interesting fellow Dubedat. He reminds me of Con--

GEORGE MOORE. Not Stevenson, though _he_ had no talent whatever. My dear Mr. Colvin, have you ever read 'Vailima Letters'? I have read parts of them.

SIDNEY COLVIN (_coldly_). Ah, really! Did you suffer very much?

SIR HUGH P. LANE. Do you think, Mr. Gersaint, the artist's widow would give me one of the pictures for the Dublin Gallery? We have no money at all. _I have no money_, but all the artists are giving pictures: Sargent, Shannon, Lavery, Frank d.i.c.ksee; and Rodin is giving a plaster cast.

GERSAINT. How charming and insinuating you are, Sir Hugh. We can make special reductions for the Dublin Gallery, but you can hardly expect charitable bequests from picture dealers.

SIR HUGH P. LANE. Oh! but Dowdeswell, Agnew, Sulley, Wertheimer, P. and D. Colnaghi, and Humphry Ward are all giving me pictures. Now, look here, I'll buy these five drawings, and you can give me these two. I'll give you a Gainsborough drawing in exchange for them. It has a very good history. First it belonged to Ricketts, then to Rothenstein, then Wilson Steer, and then to the Carfax Gallery, and . . . then it came into my possession, and all that in three months. (_Bargain concluded_.)

MR. PFFUNGST (_aside_). But is there any evidence that it belonged to Gainsborough?

SIR HUGH P. LANE (_turning to a t.i.tled lady_). Oh, do come to tea next Sat.u.r.day. I want to show you my new t.i.tian which I _have just bought for_ 2100_l_.

t.i.tLED LADY. Sir Hugh, _can_ you tell me who Mrs. Dubedat is now?

SIR HUGH P. LANE. Oh, yes. She married Dr. Schutzmacher, the specialist on bigamy only this morning.

t.i.tLED LADY. How interesting. I should like to meet her. Dresses divinely, I'm told.

SIR HUGH P. LANE. She's coming to tea next Sat.u.r.day; such good tea, too!

t.i.tLED LADY. That will be delightful.

ST. JOHN HANKIN (_loftily_). Can you tell me whether this charmian artist is p.r.o.nounced Dubedat or Dubedat?

W. P. KER (_in deep Scotch_). Non Dubitat. (_He does not speak again_.)

P. G. KONODY. Oh, Mr. Phillips, do tell me _exactly_ what _you_ think of this artist!