Marked Men: Nash Part 16

"She should have just let you take me from the get-go. It would have saved everyone a lot of heartache."

"We can't go back in time, son, all we can do is move forward smarter and far more carefully." He broke off in a coughing fit that didn't look like it was going to end, and ended up needing his oxygen and some pain medicine. I helped him with both and realized I was going to have to cut the visit short.

I got him settled and tried not to worry that every single time I saw him it felt like it was going to be the last time.

"Call Salem. She's just what you guys need, and I think you guys will love her."

"Why do I feel like there is more to that story than you're telling me?"

He gave me a weak grin and his eyes drifted shut. "You know me; I always like to offer a helping hand when I can: you, Rule, Jet, Rowdy, Cora. I made my own little family out of lost souls. I'm hoping as time goes on, you guys will extend the tradition. I taught you well in everything I thought you needed to learn to have a good life, son."

He really had. Every life lesson he felt I needed to know, he had used his own unique way to teach me. I got in the Charger and cranked on the radio so I could listen to the music loud. Flatfoot 56 blasted through the speakers and I thought maybe if I drowned out all my other senses, I couldn't feel the pain that seeing Phil disappear in front of my very eyes caused. I sent Saint a text because really she was the only thing that was going to make me feel better.

Sure, I could go get drunk with Asa at the Bar, I could call Rome and go throw weights around at the gym, Rule would drop everything and come by and listen to me gripe, Rowdy would pull himself away from whoever he was into for the night and come entertain me, and Jet ... well, Jet was never in town anymore, but I knew I could call him and b.i.t.c.h. I had friends, people that loved me, were suffering the loss right alongside me, and yet she was the only one that dulled the burn, the ripping feeling that was left after that kind of visit.

Gonna order pizza. Wanna come over after work?

Her: Won't be off until late.

Doesn't matter ... you could actually stay the night this time.

That was a low blow and was wussy and pa.s.sive-aggressive. But I felt like c.r.a.p, so I tried to man up a little more with my next message.

I had a rough visit with Phil. He is barely hanging on, it looks like. I would like to see you, and I would like for you to stay with me.

There wasn't a response back for a while, so I had to start the car and head toward home. My insides were all twisted up and there was a sour taste running all along my tongue. I wanted to hit something or let something hit me.

I was pulling up in front of the Victorian when she finally sent me a message back. It galled. I had never waited around to hear from a chick before, especially a chick that I didn't really know was into me to the same level that I was into her. I didn't do self-doubt anymore and I hated that she was churning it up in me.

Her: Sorry a guy shot with a nail gun walked in. If you don't mind me showing up a little later I'll be there. Go ahead and eat without me.

What about staying with me?

I had to push my luck. I felt too open, was bleeding everything I was feeling all over the place with no way to stop the flow.

Her: Can we talk about that later? I just got two more patients.

Go to work. I'll see you later.

I sighed feeling wholly torn up and unsatisfied when she sent: I'm so sorry about Phil. That isn't fair and I'm sorry you're hurting.

That was the thing about her, no matter how far away she seemed, there was just something there, some tie that made me believe that eventually she would come around and realize that we could be something amazing and special together.

I got out of the car and called the pizza place that knew me on a first-name basis. I ordered dinner and was putting my phone in my back pocket when a female voice swearing and a loud thumping caught my attention.

My neighbor was standing outside of her closed apartment door kicking it solidly with the toe of a high heel that was pinker than pink. She was using language that made me grin, and scowled at me when I asked her if I could help her with anything. She shoved her dark red hair over her shoulder and put her hands on her hips. Today she looked like she had come from some kind of fashion show, minus the disgruntled expression on her face.

"I always lock the door behind me. Any door, every door, which is normally a good thing, but not when my keys are on the other side. I left my cell in the car, and I was only two steps into the hallway when I realized I didn't grab my freaking keys." She groaned dramatically and threw her hands up. "So my phone is stuck in my car and my keys are stuck in my apartment and I am an idiot."

I lifted an eyebrow at her because she growled and shoved her hand through her hair.

"You can use my phone to call the landlord, though it might be faster to call a locksmith. I ordered a pizza; you can come over and hang out for a minute."

Her eyebrows shot up and she frowned at me. "Isn't that gonna make the girlfriend freak out?"

I had no clue. "I don't know."

"About the freak-out or the girlfriend?"

"Both. Do you want to use my phone or not?"

She sighed and followed me into my apartment. I handed her my phone and she used the Internet to find a locksmith that would be there within an hour. She threw herself on my sofa and stared at the ceiling.

"If I could get into my trunk, I have a lockpick set. I bet I could break in."

I offered her a beer and took a seat on the opposite side of the couch.

"Why do you have that?"

She went on like she hadn't even heard me. "And my partner ... jeez when he hears about this, I'm never living it down. I locked us out of the squad car two weeks ago."

What? "Royal?"

She turned to look at me and I could see she was aggravated. "Yeah?"

"What exactly do you do?"

She huffed out a breath and rolled the beer between her hands. "I'm a cop."

Again, what? "Seriously?" I couldn't keep the disbelief out of my tone.

"Yeah. I told you that you wouldn't believe me if I told you what I did. No one does. I graduated from the academy last year, so I'm a newbie cop, but still a cop."

I let my disbelieving gaze drop to her silly shoes and flashy outfit. "Really?" I couldn't picture her with a badge and a gun to save my life.

"I'm still a girl, but yeah, I'm a patrol officer. That's why my hours are so all over the place and why I think I got a good read on people."

There was a knock on the door and I went to retrieve the pizza. I put it down in front of her on the coffee table and didn't bother to find a plate. It wasn't like I was trying to impress her or anything. She rolled her eyes and fetched a slice.

"Well, your instinct that you had about Saint was way off. You said she was into me, had a crush, but lately I feel like all she has me doing is chasing my own tail."

Royal laughed a little and I thought really it meant something that I wasn't the least bit attracted to her. I was so hung up on Saint that even though I knew my neighbor was inarguably beautiful and fun, she just wasn't it for me.

"Nash, I've seen her. When she's coming, when she's going, she always has the same look on her face. She's excited to see you, to be with you, but underneath that she is terrified. I don't know the whole story, but if she's making you chase your tail, believe me when I tell you there is no way she isn't spinning herself in just as many circles trying to catch her own as well."

G.o.d, I hoped so, because if I was the only one feeling dizzy and nauseous, it made this ride way less fun.

"We went to high school together, ran in pretty different circles. I b.u.mped into her at the ER last year when a buddy got into a bar fight. She had a thing for me back then and apparently thought I was saying really terrible things about her and it left a mark on her. I was saying really terrible things because I was a hothead and was kind of a jerk, but they weren't about her. Now she can't seem to get over it, even though it feels like it was in another lifetime."

She gave me a hard look and reached for another slice of pizza.

"A girl's first love is a big deal. We never really get over it."

"I don't think it was love."

She pointed the top of her beer bottle at me and squinted her dark eyes. "I think you're wrong. If she's holding on to it that tightly, still scared you're going to turn on her, hurt her again even though you've obviously changed and clearly care about her, it was first love."

I wanted to argue, but I had seen how powerful first love could be. Shaw had loved Rule since the first time she laid her eyes on him, and even though it had taken years for him to see it, she had never wavered in her devotion to him. Cora's first love had broken her heart by being unfaithful and abandoning her, it had almost cost her the perfect love she was searching for when Rome came barreling into her life. First love was indeed powerful, and if I had really tarnished it for Saint, there stood a really good chance she might never let me in, would never trust me enough.

I was going to tell my pretty neighbor how much I thought that sucked when there was a light knock on the door. Thinking it was the locksmith, I got up and swung the door open. I felt my jaw go slack in surprise when I came face-to-face with the girl I couldn't get off my mind. She looked like she had just come from work. Her hair was up in a bun on the top of her head and she still had her scrubs on. I was going to ask her how she had gotten off so early but her gaze was locked on Royal and her mouth was a tight, flat line. She didn't even glance at me.

"Hey."

Those storm-cloud-colored eyes flicked up to mine and a soft pink flooded into her face.

"Hey."

"You got off work early."

Her gaze shot back to Royal, who had gotten up and wandered over to the door.

"I did. One of the other girls came in early by chance, and I was worried about how you were doing after your visit." There was a definite thread of accusation in her tone.

I frowned down at her, hurt she thought I would just subst.i.tute time spent with her with anyone that would do. She was the only one who made me feel better after visiting with Phil. I wished I could make her believe that. Royal peeked around both of us as the front security door swung open and a guy in work clothes carrying a toolbox poked his head in.

"Someone locked out?"

Saint shifted nervously in front of me as Royal slid past both of us. She winked at me and patted Saint on the shoulder as she walked toward her own door.

"Thanks for the rescue, Nash. He's a good one, girlie, don't let him get away."

I took a step back and watched, literally watched, while Saint struggled with whether she was going to follow me inside or not. It was all over her pale face, and the indecision made me feel slightly sick. I decided if she didn't come in, then this was it. I couldn't do it anymore. I liked her-h.e.l.l, way more than liked her-but this unknown, this chase, was just one more thing in my life that was heaping with complications. As much as I wanted this to work, just plain wanted her, at some point she was going to have to give me something solid to hold on to.

She reached up and started to pull out the tie holding all her copper hair up. She looked away from me and scooted by so that our chests barely brushed together. I closed the door and followed her over to where she sat on the arm of the couch.

"Thanks for coming over."

She nodded a little by dipping her chin down.

"It has to be getting harder. Phil's prognosis wasn't very good when he left the hospital."

I stopped by her side and reached out to put a finger under her chin. I forced her to look up at me, to meet my gaze. There were darker slate shadows behind the pearly gray as she looked up at me.

"I was just helping a neighbor out, you know that, right?"

She let her lids droop down so that I couldn't really see what was going on in that complex mind of hers.

"It doesn't matter. We don't have that kind of claim on each other."

There it was. I wanted more and she didn't want anything. I felt my stomach drop and I stepped away from her. She followed the movement and frowned at me.

"That's too bad, Saint. I wanted that kind of claim. I don't know what this"-I motioned between us with a hand-"is all about, but it means something to me, and if you can't say the same, then I don't want to just be the dude you hook up with because I can get you off and no one else can. That's not enough for me anymore, and frankly it makes me feel like s.h.i.t."

I walked to the front door, ready to pull it open and send her on her way for good. I was mad and upset and not bothering to hide it. I wasn't in any kind of head s.p.a.ce to separate how much of it had to do with her and how much of it had to do with what I was feeling because of Phil.

"I wanted to spend the night with you tonight because the only person that ever made me feel like I was worth anything is dying and I have to watch it and do nothing about it. Nothing makes that better. Nothing fixes it, but when I'm with you ..."-I rubbed a hand over my face and used it to grab the back of my neck-"it hurts just a fraction less. You make me want to focus on the good, on the memories I have that make me happy, but this clearly doesn't mean the same thing to you. You can't even be bothered to stay the entire night with me, Saint. I get it, you aren't into this the way I am, so you can go. Thanks for coming by."

I had my hand on the k.n.o.b and a sweltering heat was pulsing under my skin. I hated to see her go, but for my sanity and peace of mind, it was the right call. I was getting ready to yank the door open when she was suddenly between me and the wood. She put her hands on the center of my chest and splayed her fingers wide open. My heart sped up, started thumping harder, like it was trying to burst out of my chest and put itself in her hands.

"Nash." Her voice was barely a whisper.

"I can't do it anymore, Saint. I don't even know what it is."

"I'm sorry. I really am. I don't mean to push you away, to dismiss whatever it is we have. I just don't know how to do this with you. I don't want to be the jealous, fearful girl, but I am. I saw Royal and wanted to turn right around and never come back."

Her hands moved up my chest and cupped each side of my face.

"It makes me feel better to think it wouldn't matter if you were doing something questionable with her because we don't mean anything to each other. It can't hurt if we don't have any kind of real feelings for each other."

Her logic was ridiculous. Of course it could still hurt, because even if she convinced herself she didn't have any feelings for me, her reactions still tore me up because I sure as s.h.i.t had feelings for her.

"All I can see is you. Why can't you understand that? No one shines as bright as you in the sky I'm looking at. To me there is no sun, no moon, and no stars in the sky, just endless miles of storm clouds and pretty, pretty gray."

She moved her hands up higher and used her fingers to trace over the flames above my ears. She was trying to soothe me, trying to make the frayed edges come back together and put sutures in the wounds she had unwittingly inflicted.

"I want to believe that so badly, Nash. I can't explain it to you, but part of me wants so much to see me the way you do, but a bigger, louder part refuses to believe it's possible."

I put my hands around her delicate wrists. My fingers overlapped because her wrists were so fragile, and I felt her pulse hammering under her pale skin.

"What do you want, Saint? What do you really want?"

She moved her hands off of my head and let them rest on my shoulders. Her eyes were swirling gray as she fought for control of the emotion whipping in the depths.

"I want your dad to be okay and for you not to have to watch him suffer. I want to be able to enjoy the time we spend together like a normal person and not constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to get promoted at work. I want my mom to get over my dad and stop hurting. Mostly I want to make sure that this thing we're doing doesn't leave either one of us sad and full of regret."

I couldn't fault her honesty, but I also couldn't give her any kind of guarantee or affirmation that any of those things she wanted were possible. In fact I knew some of them weren't.

"What do you want from me?" I sounded a little like I was being strangled. I was already stripped to the live nerve center of my emotional threshold for the day. Doing this with her was the last thing I needed or wanted.

She sighed and finally all the shadows and fog in her eyes cleared and left behind the crystalline gray.

"I want you, Nash. I always want you; this is just the only way I know how to do it and feel comfortable."

"Why are you so certain I'm going to hurt you? That I'm going to f.u.c.k up and disappoint you?"

She gave me a lopsided smile and she worked her hands under the collar of my shirt so she could stroke the base of my neck.

"Because it's bound to happen, but I really want to enjoy what we have before then."