Lyre and Lancet Part 3

[_They do._

JAMES SPURRELL, M.R.C.V.S., _enters with his friend_, THOMAS TANRAKE, _of_ HURDELL AND TANRAKE, _Job and Riding Masters, Mayfair_.

_Spurrell._ Yes, it's lucky for me old Spavin being laid up like this--gives me a regular little outing, do you see? going down to a swell place like this Wyvern Court, and being put up there for a day or two! I shouldn't wonder if they do you very well in the housekeeper's room. (_To_ Clerk.) Give me a Pink Un and last week's _Dog Fancier's Guide_.

_Clerk._ We've returned the unsold copies, sir. Could give you _this_ week's; or there's _The Rabbit and Poultry Breeder's Journal_.

_Spurrell._ Oh, rabbits be blowed! (_To_ TANRAKE.) I wanted you to see that notice they put in of Andromeda and me, with my photo and all; it said she was the best bull-b.i.t.c.h they'd seen for many a day, and fully deserved her first prize.

_Tanrake._ She's a rare good b.i.t.c.h, and no mistake. But what made you call her such an outlandish name?

_Spurrell._ Well, I _was_ going to call her Sal; but a chap at the College thought the other would look more stylish if I ever meant to exhibit her. Andromeda was one of them Roman G.o.ddesses, you know.

_Tanrake._ Oh, I knew _that_ right enough. Come and have a drink before you start--just for luck--not that you want _that_.

_Spurrell._ I'm lucky enough in most things, Tom; in everything except love. I told you about that girl, you know--Emma--and my being as good as engaged to her, and then, all of a sudden, she went off abroad, and I've never seen or had a line from her since. Can't call _that_ luck, you know. Well, I won't say no to a gla.s.s of something.

[_They disappear into the refreshment room._

_The_ Countess of CANTIRE _enters with her daughter_, Lady MAISIE MULL.

_Lady Cantire_ (_to_ Footman). Get a compartment for us, and two foot-warmers, and a second-cla.s.s as near ours as you can for Phillipson; then come back here. Stay, I'd better give you Phillipson's ticket. (_The_ Footman _disappears in the crowd_.) Now we must get something to read on the journey. (_To_ Clerk.) I want a book of some sort--no rubbish, mind; something serious and improving, and _not_ a work of fiction.

_Clerk._ Exactly so, ma'am. Let me see. Ah, here's _Alone with the 'Airy Ainoo_. How would you like that?

_Lady Cantire_ (_with decision_). I should not like it at all.

_Clerk._ I quite understand. Well, I can give you _Three 'Undred Ways of Dressing the Cold Mutton_--useful little book for a family, redooced to one and ninepence.

_Lady Cantire._ Thank you. I think I will wait till I am reduced to one and ninepence.

_Clerk._ Precisely. What do you say to _Seven 'Undred Side-splitters for Sixpence_? 'Ighly yumerous, I a.s.sure you.

_Lady Cantire._ Are these times to split our sides, with so many serious social problems pressing for solution? You are presumably not without intelligence; do you never reflect upon the responsibility you incur in a.s.sisting to circulate trivial and frivolous trash of this sort?

_Clerk_ (_dubiously_). Well, I can't say as I do, particular, ma'am.

I'm paid to sell the books--I don't _select_ 'em.

_Lady Cantire._ That is _no_ excuse for you--you ought to exercise some discrimination on your own account, instead of pressing people to buy what can do them no possible good. You can give me a _Society Snippets_.

_Lady Maisie._ Mamma! A penny paper that says such rude things about the Royal Family!

_Lady Cantire._ It's always instructive to know what these creatures are saying about one, my dear, and it's astonishing how they manage to find out the things they do. Ah, here's Gravener coming back. He's got us a carriage, and we'd better get in.

[_She and her daughter enter a first-cla.s.s compartment_; UNDERSh.e.l.l _and_ DRYSDALE _return_.

_Drysdale_ (_to_ UNDERSh.e.l.l). Well, I don't see now where the insolence comes in. These people have invited you to stay with them----

_Undersh.e.l.l._ But why? Not because they appreciate my work--which they probably only half understand--but out of mere idle curiosity to see what manner of strange beast a Poet may be! And _I_ don't know this Lady Culverin--never met her in my life! What the deuce does she mean by sending me an invitation? Why should these smart women suppose that they are ent.i.tled to send for a Man of Genius, as if he was their _lackey_? Answer me that!

_Drysdale._ Perhaps the delusion is encouraged by the fact that Genius occasionally condescends to answer the bell.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_reddening_). Do you imagine I am going down to this place simply to please _them_?

_Drysdale._ I should think it a doubtful kindness, in your present frame of mind; and, as you are hardly going to please yourself, wouldn't it be more dignified, on the whole, not to go at all?

_Undersh.e.l.l._ You never _did_ understand me! Sometimes I think I was born to be misunderstood! But you might do me the justice to believe that I am not going from merely sn.o.bbish motives. May I not feel that such a recognition as this is a tribute less to my poor self than to Literature, and that, as such, I have scarcely the _right_ to decline it?

_Drysdale._ Ah, if you put it in that way, I am silenced, of course.

_Undersh.e.l.l._ Or what if I am going to show these Patricians that--Poet of the People as I am--they can neither patronise nor cajole me?

_Drysdale._ Exactly, old chap--what if you _are_?

_Undersh.e.l.l._ I don't say that I may not have another reason--a--a rather romantic one--but you would only sneer if I told you! I know you think me a poor creature whose head has been turned by an undeserved success.

_Drysdale._ You're not going to try to pick a quarrel with an old chum, are you? Come, you know well enough I don't think anything of the sort. I've always said you had the right stuff in you, and would show it some day; there are even signs of it in _Andromeda_ here and there; but you'll do better things than that, if you'll only let some of the wind out of your head. I take an interest in you, old fellow, and that's just why it riles me to see you taking yourself so devilish seriously on the strength of a little volume of verse which--between you and me--has been "boomed" for all it's worth, and considerably more. You've only got your immortality on a short repairing lease at present, old boy!

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_with bitterness_). I am fortunate in possessing such a candid friend. But I mustn't keep you here any longer.

_Drysdale._ Very well. I suppose you're going first? Consider the feelings of the Culverin footman at the other end!

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_as he fingers a first-cla.s.s ticket in his pocket_). You have a very low view of human nature! (_Here he becomes aware of a remarkably pretty face at a second-cla.s.s window close by_). As it _happens_, I am travelling second.

[_He gets in._

_Drysdale_ (_at the window_). Well, good-bye, old chap. Good luck to you at Wyvern, and remember--wear your livery with as good a grace as possible.

_Undersh.e.l.l._ I do not intend to wear any livery whatever.

[_The owner of the pretty face regards_ UNDERSh.e.l.l _with interest_.

_Spurrell_ (_coming out of the refreshment room_). What, second--with all my exes. paid? Not _likely_! I'm going to travel in style this journey. No--not a smoker; don't want to create a bad impression, you know. This will do for me.

[_He gets into a compartment occupied by_ Lady CANTIRE _and her daughter_.

_Tanrake_ (_at the window_). There--you're off now. Pleasant journey to you, old man. Hope you'll enjoy yourself at this Wyvern Court you're going to--and, I say, don't forget to send me that notice of Andromeda when you get back!

[_The_ Countess _and_ Lady MAISIE _start slightly; the train moves out of the station_.

PART IV

RUSHING TO CONCLUSIONS