Lyre and Lancet Part 16

_Miss Stickler_ (_acidly_). Provided it is free from any helement of coa.r.s.eness, which we do _not_ encourage--far from it!

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_suppressing his irritation_). You need be under no alarm, madam. I do not propose to attempt a performance of _any_ kind.

_Phillipson._ Don't be so solemn, Mr. Undersh.e.l.l! I'm sure you can be as comical as any play-actor when you choose!

_Undersh.e.l.l._ I really don't know how I can have given you that impression. If you expect me to treat my lyre like a _horse-collar_, and grin through it, I'm afraid I am unable to gratify you.

_Steptoe_ (_at sea_). Capital, sir, the professional allusion very neat. You'll come out presently, _I_ can see, when supper's on the table. Can't expect you to rattle till you've something _inside_ of you, can we?

_Miss Stickler._ Reelly, Mr. Steptoe, I _am_ surprised at such commonness from _you_!

_Steptoe._ Now you're too severe, Miss Stickler, you are indeed. An innocent little Judy Mow like that!

_Tredwell_ (_outside_). Don't answer _me_, sir. Ham I butler 'ere, or ham I _not_? I've a precious good mind to report you for such a hignorant blunder.... I don't want to hear another word about the gentleman's cloes--you'd no hearthly business for to do such a thing at all! (_He enters and flings himself down on a chair._) That Thomas is beyond everything--stoopid _ha.s.s_ as he is!

_Mrs. Pomfret_ (_concerned_). La, Mr. Tredwell, you _do_ seem put out!

Whatever have Thomas been doing _now_?

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). It's really very good of him to take it to heart like this! (_Aloud._) Pray don't let it distress you; it's of no consequence, none at all!

_Tredwell_ (_glaring_). I'm the best judge of that, Mr. Undersh.e.l.l, sir--if you'll allow _me_; _I_ don't call my porogatives of no consequence, whatever _you_ may! And that feller Thomas, Mrs.

Pomfret, actially 'ad the hordacity, without consulting me previous, to go and 'and a note to one of our gentlemen at the hupstairs table, all about some ha.s.sinine mistake he'd made with his cloes! What call had he to take it upon himself? I feel puffecly disgraced that such a thing should have occurred under my authority!

[_The_ Steward's Room Boy _has entered with a dish, and listens with secret anxiety on his own account_.

_Undersh.e.l.l._ I a.s.sure you there is no harm done. The gentleman is wearing my evening clothes--but he's going to return them----

[_The conclusion of the sentence is drowned in a roar of laughter from the majority._

_Tredwell_ (_gasping_). Hevenin' cloes! _Your_ hevenin'---- P'raps you'll 'ave the goodness to explain yourself, sir!

_Steptoe._ No, no, Tredwell, my dear fellah, you don't understand our friend here--he's a bit of a wag, don't you see? He's only trying to pull your leg, that's all; and, Gad, he did it too! But you mustn't take liberties with _this_ gentleman, Mr. Undersh.e.l.l; he's an important personage _here_, I can tell you!

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_earnestly_). But I never meant--if you'll only let me explain----

[_The_ Boy _has come behind him, and administers a surrept.i.tious kick, which_ UNDERSh.e.l.l _rightly construes as a hint to hold his tongue_.

_Tredwell_ (_in solemn offence_). I'm accustomed, Mr. Hundersh.e.l.l, to be treated in this room with respect and deference--especially by them as come here in the capacity of guests. _From_ such I regard any attempt to pull my leg as in hindifferent taste--to say the least of it. I wish to 'ave no more words on the subjick, which is a painful one, and had better be dropped, for the sake of all parties. Mrs.

Pomfret, I see supper is on the table, so, by your leave, we had better set down to it.

_Phillipson_ (_to_ UNDERSh.e.l.l). Never mind _him_, pompous old thing!

It _was_ awfully cheeky of you, though. You can sit next _me_ if you like.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself, as he avails himself of this permission_).

I shall only make things worse if I explain now. But, oh, great Heavens, _what_ a position for a poet!

PART XIII

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

_At the Supper-table in the Housekeeper's Room._ Mrs. POMFRET _and_ TREDWELL _are at the head and foot of the table respectively_. UNDERSh.e.l.l _is between_ Mrs. POMFRET and Miss PHILLIPSON. _The_ Steward's Room Boy _waits_.

_Tredwell._ I don't see Mr. Adams here this evening, Mrs. Pomfret.

What's the reason of that?

_Mrs. Pomfret._ Why, he asked to be excused to-night, Mr. Tredwell.

You see some of the visitors' coachmen are putting up their horses here, and he's helping Mr. Checkley entertain them. (_To_ UNDERSh.e.l.l.) Mr. Adams is our stud-groom, and him and Mr. Checkley, the 'ed coachman, are very friendly just now. Adams is very clever with his horses, I believe, and I'm sure he'd have liked a talk with you; it's a pity he's engaged elsewhere this evening.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_mystified_). I--I'm exceedingly sorry to have missed him, ma'am. (_To himself._) Is the stud-groom _literary_, I wonder?...

Ah, no, I remember now; I allowed Miss Phillipson to conclude that my tastes were equestrian. Perhaps it's just as well the stud-groom _isn't_ here!

_Mrs. Pomfret._ Well, he _may_ drop in later on. I shouldn't be surprised if you and he had met before.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). _I_ should. (_Aloud._) I hardly think it's probable.

_Mrs. Pomfret._ I've known stranger things than _that_ happen. Why, only the other day, a gentleman came into this very room, as it might be yourself, and it struck me he was looking very hard at me, and by and bye he says, "You don't recollect _me_, ma'am, but I know _you_ very well," says he. So I said to him, "You certainly have the advantage of me at present, sir." "Well, ma'am," he says, "many years ago I had the honour and privilege of being steward's room boy in a house where you was still-room maid; and I consider I owe the position I have since attained entirely to the good advice you used to give me, as I've never forgot it, ma'am," says he. Then it flashed across me who it was--"Mr. Pocklington!" says I. Which it _were_. And him own man to the Duke of Dumbleshire! Which was what made it so very nice and 'andsome of him to remember me all that time.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_perfunctorily_). It must have been most gratifying, ma'am. (_To himself._) I hope this old lady hasn't any more anecdotes of this highly interesting nature. I mustn't neglect Miss Phillipson--especially as I haven't very long to stay here.

[_He consults his watch stealthily._

_Miss Phillipson_ (_observing the action_). I'm sorry you find it so slow here; it's not very polite of you to show it quite so openly though, I must say.

[_She pouts._

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). I can't let this poor girl think me a brute! But I must be careful not to go too far. (_To her, in an undertone which he tries to render unemotional._) Don't misunderstand me like that. If I looked at my watch, it was merely to count the minutes that are left. In one short half-hour I must go--I must pa.s.s out of your life, and you must forget--oh, it will be easy for _you_--but for _me_, ah! you cannot think that I shall carry away a heart entirely unscathed! Believe me, I shall always look back gratefully, regretfully, on----

_Phillipson_ (_bending her head with a gratified little giggle_). I declare you're beginning all that _again_. I never _did_ see such a cure as you are.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself, displeased_). I wish she could bring herself to take me a little more seriously. I can _not_ consider it a compliment to be called a "cure"--whatever that is.

_Steptoe_ (_considering it time to interfere_). Come, Mr. Undersh.e.l.l, all this whispering reelly is not fair on the company! You mustn't hide your bushel under a napkin like this; don't reserve _all_ your sparklers for Miss Phillipson there.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_stiffly_). I--ah--was not making any remark that could be described as a sparkler, sir. I _don't_ sparkle.

_Phillipson_ (_demurely_). He was being rather sentimental just then, Mr. Steptoe, as it happens. Not that he can't sparkle, when he likes.

I'm sure if you'd heard how he went on in the fly!

_Steptoe_ (_with malice_). Not having been privileged to be present, perhaps our friend here could recollect a few of his happiest efforts and repeat them.

_Miss Dolman._ Do, Mr. Undersh.e.l.l, please. I do _love_ a good laugh.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_crimson_). I--you really must excuse me. I said nothing worth repeating. I don't remember that I was particularly----

_Steptoe._ Pardon me. Afraid I was indiscreet. We must spare Miss Phillipson's blushes by all manner of means.