Alexithymia: The Curse Of Transcendence 10 Bonfire In The Rain

Drops of rain beat against her skin like snowflakes exploding in millions of pieces that come into contact with a solid ma.s.s. She was trying her best to switch her focus onto the other problems she left behind. The incident at the main-gate and all these people she left dying because the promised 10 minutes ended a long time ago. The Shira tribe and its people who were left without surveillance at precipice Clogwyn are now most certainly running free.

The frustration and guilt of letting her heart decide instead of following "Mitera's System" orders as she should have done, made her realize that not only she disobeyed and deserted her a.s.signment, but that in the end, she failed at everything.

Her heart was filled with regret of not being able to accomplish not a single task she was meant to do, neither that promise she made to the mother of two nor the self-made promise to find the youngest brother and take him to safety with resulted in her to abandon him.

Tormented by her ignorance and lack of self-confidence, she finally started to realize how little she knew about the outside world and most importantly about herself. The perfect world that her brother has created that is being over-watched by Mitera System, now looked more like a fish tank filled with clean water stranding its inhabitants. Her revelations made her open her eyes that she is nothing more than a clueless little girl who has no idea of the impact of the responsibilities that she was entrusted. Incapable of telling the real difference between pure logic and complex rational decision making.

The absence of flexible critical thinking and the fact that most of the exercises she has been through were based on good or evil examples were a predefined program created by Aleksithimia. However, all of it was just a simulation that had barely anything in common with real-life when the situation actually gets out of control...

The cold rain battered her clothes, weighing her down, piercing through the threads in the fabric. The chill cutting into her skin and the mud surrounding her to her ankles won their victory as she slowed to a hunched over the walk. She could feel her heart pounding in her ears, almost as deafening as the thunder that was approaching. She needed to get back, but her body and everything around her was protesting, telling her to give up...

Exhausted of running, Nion has stopped in the middle of nowhere.

"I am such a coward..." She sobbed.

Seeking for a breath of fresh air for the first time ever, Nion removed her Kanjöga device. In that very moment, millions of unknown memories and emotions went through her head causing her to blackout. Electrocuted from inside as her brain discharged an extraordinary amount of information that appeared to be dormant within herself.

These memories appeared in her eyes like quick flashbacks putting her in a vast variety of unknown perspectives of different people without actually being connected with each other in any way. Diverse sentiments and feelings filled her from inside. Each of these memories contained a diversity of warmth, pa.s.sion, intensity, love, hate and many other sentiments that were unknown to her. Nion was barely standing as her body and mind completely detached themselves from the real world. Lost in the ocean of unfamiliar memories, Nion was trying to go back in time and identify what memories belonged to whom but there was just too much of going on.

The feeling of emptiness confined her personal memory. Many fragments were absent; However, she had a warm feeling that these were still there, somewhere, deep inside her heart. Enveloped by emptiness as her facial expressions could not keep up with all the emotions she was going through. An infinite amount of time had pa.s.sed since she had entered the forest, her"Kanjöga" was soaking in the mud.

The thick blackened clouds were dragged down by the rain. It wasn't just rain, it was a downpour. The distance to Clogwyn was roughly six kilometers, the mud was absorbing her feet while she was standing under the moonlight. Alone in the woods, isolated from the rest of the world, she could not bring herself to advance forward; She just kept looking into the grey sky as the raindrops were sliding down her face like shining teardrops.

Her Kanjöga collar picked up an incoming signal. "This is Seconda. Quarta, do you hear me? What is going on? Are you safe?" Asked Seànn.

Nion had lost the touch with reality, her mind was far away from her physical body, so Seànn's message was unheard.

Shorty, Seànn arrived in the place where Nion was located. The rain dampened her face making her look even prettier than usual, rainwater was flowing down over her coat reflecting the moonlight.

Seànn slapped Nion cheeks with both hands so she wakes up.

"What are you doing? Hurry, we must go." Said Seànn.

Nion got back to her senses, yet she was not really pleased to see such a high ranked unit coming all the way here. Nion knew that if "Seconda" herself being summoned to the scene meant that the situation turned really bad.

Seann grabbed Nion's hand, ready to accelerate towards the precipice. The second she pulled Nion's hand, she realized that her companion was not able to keep up with her pace as one of her knees had already sunk into the mud. Luckily, Seànn caught her just in time before Nion's body hit the muddy ground.

Seànn carefully put Nion on the ground so she could stand up by herself.

"Are you injured? Can you walk?" She asked.

"I am... fine..." Replied Nion as she painfully exhaled.

"Let's hurry then, we should not be here." Said Seànn.

Mentally and physically exhausted, Nion was doing her best to stand up on her own, but clear signs of fatigue were becoming more and more obvious. Seànn tried to help her stand up and offered her hand as a support, but Nion rejected it with a rough hand movement.

The more Nion forced herself to get up the more she was getting tired. She almost looked like a little toddler who tried to accomplish some trivial task but failed to do so. Seànn offered her hand once again but Nion slapped her hand away.

"I am FINE! Just leave me alone!" Shouted Nion.

Irritated because every time she tried to stand up, her legs could not resist the bodyweight so she kept collapsing on the ground. Tired of doing the same action over and over again, tears of frustration began seeping down her cheeks.

"d.a.m.n it! d.a.m.n it all!" Nion desperately hit the mud with her fist.
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The mud spat over her face that irritated her even more, so let herself go and fell on her knees just in front of Seànn who kept her hand available during the whole scene. Furious and ashamed of her own behavior, Nion hid her face from Seànn to avoid eye contact.

"Leave me alone!" She said.

"I am simply trying to help" Replied Seànn.

"I told you, I don't need your help! Just go, do whatever." Replied Nion.

Seànn took a deep breath and crouched in front of Nion so they will be on the same level.

"Look, I just arrived here. I ignore the reasons why you left your a.s.signment at the precipice, nor what kind of events has put you in that state, but I cannot leave you like this" Calmly explained Seànn.

"Huh?! What state?! Do 'YOU' even know what you are talking about?! Oh! Are you talking about 'that'?! Well, d.a.m.n right! I have never felt so miserable and useless in my whole life! Moreover, you are the last person I want to hear any lectures from!" Exploded Nion.

Seànn remained silent.

"Screw that 'Utopia'...My brother has created the saddest country on the planet! She complained. "Do you want to share your thoughts about something that you don't know?! Do you even remember how it feels when your heart bleeds from inside because you have to kill innocent people in order to preserve the peace of our country?! NO!! Have you ever questioned your sanity?! NO!! Are you conscious about it? I bet you aren't! You know why? Because you can't feel a d.a.m.n thing...All of you are nothing more than just a vessel obeying to that piece of junk and my brother, that's all you can do!" Nion has entered a hysteric state.

Seànn kept listening in silence.

"As I thought...Nothing to say huh...? Nion started to calm down. "I do ask myself about my future and my past. I do question myself on what is right and what is wrong. That's what makes me different from all of you. I am being a human, or at least I pretend to be... How about you remove that collar of yours for a week or so, and you see what "Lands of Aleksithimia" really is? You will see... How empty we are inside..." She exhaled her last words and looked down at her hands."

Seànn stood up and looked at the moon while Nion continued talking.

"Pathetic... Am I not... I am not sure what I despise the most right now. Being in such a piece of s.h.i.t or letting you see myself in such a miserable state; You, the person I admire the most in the world..." Said Nion.

After a minute of silence between both of them, Seànn spoke up.

"Looks like you have been through some hard times." Said Seànn.

Nion has raised her head and gazed at the limitless sky.

Nion has raised her head and gazed to the limitless sky

"Yeah...We can say that. You know, I think...I will quit being a Keeper... Actually, I want to leave our country." Said Nion.

"Why is that?" Asked Seànn.

"I just...Can't, do this anymore." Replied Nion. "I have enough of pretending that everything is fine when it is not."

A moment of silence fell, and the moonlight enlightened Nion's face. Due to the brightness, Nion had to move her eyes away and accidentally looked straight into Seànn's eyes. The luminous streak of reflected moonlight was absorbed by Nion's eyes shining like an "Amethyst" gemstone.

"You are a very brave and courageous woman. If you decided to do something, I believe that you spent a sufficient amount of time constructing and developing that decision of yours. Whatever the nature of your conclusion, I shall respect and support it..." Said Seànn.

Nion said nothing in return, just kept looking at the sky.

"I would like to know... Why did you join the Keepers in the first place? What are your convictions? Don't you have something to protect or fight for?" Asked Seànn.

"Convictions...I have none. To be honest I don't even know when did it all start. I was a.s.signed here and there under the device of protecting this country, as simple as it sounds. But...What is the point of trying to protect the whole country... When I cannot protect one single person...?" She asked.

"Once, someone who is very important to me has told me 'Enduring deepening pain is how you ascend'. Perhaps, it is a bit too early to renounce and leave everything behind, don't you think?" Replied Seànn.

Seànn noticed the blinking light of Nion's Kanjöga device sinking in the mud and picked it up.

"Sometimes... I wish I could get my old self back. These times when I could enjoy being loved and appreciated, being able to share these emotions with someone special to me. Since I've become part of the Keepers, I've indeed killed the countless amount of men and women. You are right about everything, I don't feel pain nor pity for them. I just do it, because it has to be done and that if I won't, someone else will do it in my place. Every morning when I wake up I spend a dozen of minutes looking at my own reflection in the mirror, asking myself if today it will be my final one." Said Seànn.

"I am sorry about before...I didn't mean to insult you." Apologized Nion.

"You know. Every time I see you being able to freely express yourselves, there is a little part of me that envy you so much." Said Seànn.

"But!" Nion tried to interrupt, but Seànn continued.

"I guess the prosper has never told you about... Look." She pointed at her Kanjöga collar. "Mine is directly connected to my brain, so unlike you, I cannot remove it at will. Deep inside, I still have the remains of the human consciousness that gives me a bitter taste of the emotional complexity of the situation that you are dealing with right now. But in the end, I am satisfied enough with my decision." Explained Seànn

"I am truly sorry for acting like a selfish brat..." Apologized Nion.

"Everything I've learned about my life so far, I've learned it with the beatings and losses I've gotten from all of the bad choices I made. That is 'my' essence of life." Said Seànn.

"What is 'my' essence of life then?" Asked Nion.

"Only you can find the answer to that question and for that, you have to live, learning from your lessons, as all of us do." Replied Seànn.

The rain got significantly lighter, from downpour it was decreased to mere drizzling. Smoke coming from the village became less intense.

"What is going on out there." Seànn pointer towards the burning village.

"I am sorry! I can't go back just yet... I 'must' return to that village! There is someone who needs my help." Said Nion.

Seànn offered her hand to Nion so she could stand up.

"If you think that there is still something to be done back there, then so be it. As your superior, I allow you to go to the village of Elpida for an urgent mission." Said Seànn.

"Thank you so much!! You have no idea how much it means to me" said Nion.

"Be careful." Seànn warned her.

Within seconds, Nion rushed back to the Speranta village at a speed of a cannonball, the speed of her movements, without her "Kanjöga" limiter that she left with Seànn, was far beyond human capacities. She reached the City Hall within a couple of minutes, the same distance she was running for more than 10 minutes with her "Kanjöga" on.

As she approached the village, it was immediately evident that something was different. The night air, though cool and fresh, was filled with wood ashes coming from burning houses. The unpainted wooden buildings were stained with grey shades. The village lied under a blanket of silence and the only light seemed to come from the still burning houses. Weeds socialized across the muddy ground of every road, gathering and laughing at Nion as they tried to weave around the catching fingers with every step.

Deserted streets, tumbled-down stores, shutters hanging by once hinged bangs eerily in the gusty wind, wet and tumbleweed, the dark ominous cloud, dirt road that will turn to a river of mud in the coming monsoon, the town saloon with peeling paint sign, half-drunk whiskey shots, a silent grandfather clock, thick dust on the counter, broken stools from a last bar brawl. The whole village had less charm than a graveyard. Just to stand amid the burning constructions was enough to make her feel like a ghost, an unwanted specter of humans that was lost wandering around the land of the lost. That empty loneliness was beautiful and melancholic, haunting in its desertion. Far ahead the bonfire looked like a monument; A monument of pure destruction.

The group of masked men was gone; The village was absolutely lifeless, extinguished of all forms of presence. Beyond the sound of rain drizzling down on the ground, the screams were sewn into the air. Night had resolved to settle around the bonfire in the center of the village, burying the bodies of the dead in an ethereal ceremony. As despair reached deep inside her, Nion felt the last vestige of her energy-draining, willing to embrace emptiness and isolation.

The fatigue got control of her body once again. Barely any voice left, her facial expression became blank, indifferent towards anything and everything. Alone in the deserted village, eyes fixed on the tower of smoke coming from the bonfire; She slowly advanced forward by dragging her feet and painfully tripping on every object that was lying on the ground.

Dozen minutes later. Far in the distance, there was a wooden cross, stuck into the ground. A raw piece of skin was grossly attached to it as if it was a piece of thick paper. Something was carved on it, as Nion approached she understood that is was a message carved on human skin as grotesque as it may look.

The blood sipping down from the cuts had already crystallized because of the bonfire heat that made the message barely readable. The message was the following.

"Look up my little mouse, I knew you would come back. Just so you know. I choked him first..."

The rain had finally stopped. The absolute silence had fallen on the village; The only sound that was animating that empty field was crackling wood and the whistling wind. A gust of dry wind was blowing through the maze of old houses where windows had long shattered in the weakness of their structures and rotting boards, some broken, others hanging o try to cover the empty eyes of every abandoned home. Doors hung on the few threads of their hinges and groaned with pain and loneliness at every sway, almost screaming to Nion to "Not look up" as something terrible would happen...

In Nion's current world, "Hope" had no meaning. Four prospers had given shared wisdom of choice between two fates: either hope and agitation or hopelessness and calm. They say that hope knows no fear. Hope dares to blossom even inside the abysmal abyss. Hope can make us stronger and overcome the impossible...However, n.o.body has ever mentioned how easily someone's hope can be crushed into pieces; How easy it is to destroy a human being from inside...

Time stopped the moment when Nion begins raising her head. Her heart was pounding harder and harder, dry tears started pouring from her eyes, slowly running down her cheeks, it felt like an eternal moment. The more she was looking at the bonfire full of burned bodies the less she could contain her pain and hysteria that was on the verge of exploding. All these things she witnessed in the last two days had greatly affected people's lives, conscious of these deeds, her burden was getting heavier and heavier. Moonlight was enlightening a human silhouette on the very top of the bonfire...

A boy, around five-years-old, his whole body engulfed in flames. Most of the skin had burned off, leaving dark red marks. Since the body had been attached on the very top, the bottom part was caught on fire first, which would be a slow and merciless death as the brain would incinerate in the very end, so the victim would have had to wait dozens of minutes, praying for a quicker death.

The face of the boy was mostly intact...There was no doubt that it was Asta, Pipola's youngest son, the child that Nion was looking for all this time...