Lost: A New Adult Contemporary Romance Part 5

This book is where I write all the things I don't want to remember. I started doing it thinking that maybe my brain would let me forget them, knowing that they were all sitting safely in this horrible book in case I ever wanted to bring them back to life. It hasn't worked yet, but I'm still holding out hope.

I turn past page after page of terrible nightmares and disturbing drawings until I finally get to a blank page, and I start to write.

I'm fifteen, and I'm sitting in the reclining chair in the living room. Mom is watching the evening news, Dad's still out at work, and I'm sitting here desperately trying to work up the strength to tell her.

I'm afraid that she's going to hate me. Somehow, I'm certain she will. She's going to call me terrible things, maybe even hit me, but I have to get it out!

I need to tell her that Micah's friend Darren raped me.

He told me that he'd find me and hurt me even worse if I told anyone and that he'd hurt Micah too, but I can't deal with the secret anymore. I'm falling apart and I'm starting to change in ways that really scare me. I never used to cry when I got frustrated or when things went wrong, but now it's all I can do not to burst into tears over even the tiniest things. I get angry over nothing, lose my temper, and want to hurt people.

This isn't me; I'm not like that! I need to fix myself.

"Mom?" I ask, trying to get her attention away from the news. Just saying her name takes all the strength I have.

"Maria?"

As I look up, my eyes latch onto the headline on the screen and my chest starts to hurt. A woman in the next town was raped by her boyfriend, and the man's mug-shot now fills the TV screen. His photograph looks almost as if it was shot specifically to make him seem as ugly as possible.

"Oh will you look at her!" groans my mother, pointing at the screen. "What did she think was going to happen, hanging around with guys like him? Rape's not right, but for G.o.d's sake lady! You have to take care of yourself, and instead you're practically begging for it!"

I start to lose my nerve as she rants on and on about the poor woman. The camera cuts to the sidewalk outside a bar, and as the reporter talks about her boyfriend getting the woman drunk and taking her home, my mother bursts out laughing.

"Stupid s.l.u.t deserved it," she says, shaking her head and gulping down her coffee.

"Would you still say that if it happened to someone you knew?" I ask quietly. "What if it happened to me?"

Mom rolls her eyes at me and I feel my skin grow hot with humiliation as she laughs. She's laughing as if it's the dumbest question she's ever heard.

"Seriously Maria? I mean... you? I raised you better than that! No daughter of mine would ever be dumb enough to let herself get raped."

She turns her attention back to the television, and I get up from the recliner. My legs feel shaky, and a lump is forming in my throat.

"Oh-sorry about that! You wanted to ask me something?" she asks as I head for the stairs. I look back at her and shake my head.

"Never mind. It's nothing."

My voice catches in my throat, and she looks at me with sudden concern.

"You sure, honey? Are you okay?"

I nod to her and start up the stairs again.

"Okay, but if you need anything, come talk to me."

"Okay," I answer, trying to keep my voice from cracking.

"Really, sweetie," she calls after me. "I'm your mother; you can talk to me about anything!"

I barely make into to my room before I start crying.

The memory is written on paper and my ritual is complete. I close the notebook, take a deep breath, and lay my head on the carpet as I wait for the terrible feeling in my chest to subside. G.o.d, it hurts so much!

My jaw aches from clenching it so tightly, and my chest throbs painfully with every breath. I'm too weak to hold the tears in, and I know that soon I'm going to break down.

"f.u.c.k you, Darren," I whisper through gritted teeth. "I hope you're dead."

I hear Tina chatting happily with our other roommates downstairs when I finally come out of my room. I feel better now that I've had a chance to let my emotions out, but I feel guilty that I've made her wait for so long. I don't deserve her at all.

Lacey immediately goes silent as she sees my tear-streaked face. She's a nice enough girl, but we've never been close enough that I'd tell her my secret. She probably just thinks I'm mentally ill.

"Hey, I'm gonna go call Mike," she tells Tina, and before I can even say hi to her, she's disappeared up the stairs. I look up over my shoulder as I hear her door close and lock. She really thinks I'm nuts, doesn't she?

Dinah excuses herself shortly afterward and heads off to her sorority, leaving me alone in the kitchen with Tina. She dries a translucent, green plastic plate and tosses it into the cabinet before turning to me.

"You doing okay?" she asks softly. I'm glad she isn't mad at me-I was worried she'd be ticked off that I kept her waiting.

"Yeah, I'm better now," I answer and I head to the sink to help with the dishes. I wash, she dries. We've done it like this ever since our soph.o.m.ore year when we first got an apartment together.

"Anything you want to talk about?" she asks, taking two forks and a knife from me. "I'm all ears."

"I'm sorry, Tina," I blurt out suddenly. "I'm so sorry I hurt you like I did, that I said that horrible stuff about your mom."

I had no idea those words were going to come out of my mouth, but I feel better that they did. It was probably the worst thing I'd ever said to her. The apology was just as unexpected to Tina as it was to me, and she stares silently at the trickle of water slowly making its way down the blade of the knife.

"It's okay, Maria. Really," she says after a long silence. "I'm okay now."

"I mean it, Tina. Wait, no, I mean I didn't mean it," I stammer, completely losing track of what I was saying. "What I meant was... oh G.o.dd.a.m.n it! I can't even apologize correctly!"

Tina suddenly bursts out laughing, and she tosses the silverware down on the table and hugs me tightly.

I just don't understand people. I deserve scorn at best, and she's forgiving me? I don't deserve this at all; I don't deserve her. She's the best friend I could ever have hoped for.

I hug her back and try not to start crying again even though this time they'd at least be happy tears.

"So this means you're going skiing, right?" she asks, her voice m.u.f.fled by my sweater, and I burst out laughing. She just won't let it go.

"Yes. I'm going skiing," I answer. "I don't want to, but I need to."

"f.u.c.k yes!" says Tina excitedly, and she squeezes me even more tightly. When she looks up at me, her eyes are alive and sparkling with excitement again. I just made her day.

"Seriously Maria, trust me on this: going skiing this weekend is the first step to changing everything."

"That's probably just a bit of a stretch, don't you think?"

"Nope. Not at all," she answers, returning to her dishrag and finally drying the silverware. "If you're going to learn to trust people again, you might as well have a friend with you at the start, right?"

"Well..."

"Oh just say I'm right, will you?"

I laugh as I wash the last plate. "Okay, fine. You're right."

"Thanks! About d.a.m.ned time you admit it," she says with a grin. "Anyway, just relax and let go this weekend, okay? I'll be there with you the entire time."

I smile at her but say nothing as I start to clean the counters. I don't know if I believe that this weekend will change anything, but she's right... I have to try.

It's been a very long time since I went s...o...b..arding, and for one brief second, I'm almost looking forward to it.

Sat.u.r.day, February 23 8:10 AM.

Maria.

The door bursts open as I'm putting on my coat and the cold air immediately chills my toes. Tina's hair is speckled with snow, and she looks like she's ready to kill someone. I hope it isn't me.

"What's wrong?" I ask, putting my shoes. "And shut the door, will you? It's freezing!"

"Maria... come outside and help me," she says, panting and trying to catch her breath.

I grab my gloves, follow her outside, and burst out laughing as I see the giant wall of snow piled up on top of her tiny VW bug. I can barely see the car!

"If I ever meet the guy in charge of plowing, I'm gonna f.u.c.king kill him," she hisses.

Tina tosses me a snow shovel, and as I start clearing away the snow from behind the car-dropping it onto the car next to hers, of course-she clears off the headlights and windshield. Last night's snowfall was light and powdery, but there's so much of it that it's still a pain to move. I'm out of breath within minutes, and I've only cleared maybe a quarter of the car.

"Hey, Craig?"

When I look up, Tina is on her cell phone. She paces impatiently back and forth on the sidewalk as she talks.

"Yeah, we're gonna be a little late. Dumbf.u.c.k plow guy decided my car was a great place to put it all. Nah, we'll be good. Maria's helping me, and I'll go enlist the other two girls if I need to."

Meanwhile, I can finally see her license plate. Progress!

"Just go ahead without us. We'll meet you at the top of the Castor run, okay? See you in a bit!"

"Which one is Castor?" I ask as I finally reach the packed ice at the bottom of the pile.

"It's a green, don't worry. It's a long run from the top of the mountain, but nice and easy," she answers. "It'll be a good start."

She gets in and tries to pull the car out, but she can't get enough traction to make it over the block of ice behind her wheels. I start shoving from the front, but it's still not enough.

Suddenly, she leaps out of the car in a huff and runs into the apartment, leaving a trail of snow behind her. I hear a commotion inside and then Tina returns dragging Lacey and Dinah by the wrists. I giggle and then double over in a fit of laughter as I realize that neither one of them has shoes on.

"Get your b.u.t.ts up there by Maria and give us a hand, will you?" shouts Tina, and she leaps back into the car.

"How do you put up with her?" whines Dinah, but I'm out of breath from laughing and can't answer.

Tina's tires squeal as she slams the tiny car into reverse, and with the three of us pushing in unison, the car finally makes it over the ice.

"Thanks! You two go warm up now. I'll bring back cocoa for you," I say, waving to Lacey and Dinah as they sprint back into the apartment.

"You'd better!" yells Dinah, and she closes the door behind her.

Tina waves to me from the car and I leap into the pa.s.senger seat. It's time for s...o...b..arding.

The top of the mountain comes closer as we wait excitedly to get off the chair lift. The lift is stupidly slow, but that's fine with me. I haven't gone s...o...b..arding in years, and I like the idea of easing into it again.

I look over at Tina as she sits next to me on the lift, and I can't help but burst out laughing again.

"What? What're you looking at?" she asks with a knowing smile. She knows exactly what I'm looking at.

"Pink skis? Really, Tina? Pink skis with a pink hat? Are you five?"

"Don't you go talking to me about style, Miss 'Oh I'm Wearing a Safety Helmet' Ayala!"

"Hey, brains are squishy!"

She bursts out laughing, and we call off our fake argument as the chair lift reaches the landing.

I glide gracefully down the gentle slope of the landing, but just as I start to feel proud of myself, I catch the front of my board on a ridge of ice and fall flat on my face. Tina cries out in surprise and lands right on top of me, shoving my face straight into the snow.

"Oh G.o.d, sorry Maria!" she gasps, scrambling to her feet to get off of me, and I burst out laughing. My sides hurt from laughing, and I can't seem to stop. She sits down next to me, wipes the snow off my cheek with her obnoxiously pink mittens, and starts to laugh too. G.o.d, what a great start! I haven't felt this happy in months.

"Okay, where is that idiot anyway?" says Tina after she finally calms herself down.

She clips into her skis and starts toward the slope, and I hop up and skate along after her.

"Hey, there's Craig!" she calls out, pointing ahead.

Somehow, she recognizes Craig through his thick furry hat, ski coat, and goggles, and she waves to him. He waves back, and the other guy standing next to him waves back as well. Craig's friend is tall, and he's wearing a black coat and gray, loose-fitting snow pants. Like Craig, his face is almost entirely obscured by goggles and a scarf. I wonder how he can even breathe like that. I wasn't expecting anyone other than Craig but I'm too excited about s...o...b..arding to care. Not even surprise guys can ruin this for me.

My eyes light up as I realize his friend is standing on a dark blue s...o...b..ard. I'm not the only boarder after all!

Craig turns back to his friend, nods, and then they suddenly take off down the slope.

"Hey! You dirty cheaters!"

Tina shouts and shakes a fist in exaggerated anger as she races to the edge of the hill, and then she pushes off and chases after them. Her pink and yellow scarf flutters in the wind behind her as she shoots down the slope.