Lords And Ladies Part 45

"I don't know!" said Shawn, who was almost in tears. "I think we're being attacked by elves! Nothing anyone's telling me's making any sense! Somehow they arrived during the Entertainment! Or something!"

Ridcully looked around at the frightened, bewildered people.

"And Miss Magrat's gone out to fight them alone alone!"

Ridcully looked perplexed.

"Who's Miss Magrat?"

"She's going to be queen! The bride! You know? Magrat Garlick?"

Ridcully's mind could digest one fact at a time.

"What's she gone out for?"

"They captured the king!"

"Did you know they've got Esme Weatherwax as well?"

"What, Granny Weatherwax?"

"I came back to rescue her," said Ridcully, and then realized that this sounded either nonsense or cowardly.

Shawn was too upset to notice. "I just hope they're not collecting witches," he said. "They'll need our mum to get the complete set."

"They ain't got me, then," said Nanny Ogg, behind him.

"Mum? How did you get in?"

"Broomstick. You'd better get some people with bows up on the roof. I came down that way. So can others."

"What're we going to do do, Mum?"

"There's bands of elves all over the place," said Nanny, "and there's a big glow over the Dancers-"

"We must attack them!" shouted Casanunda. "Give 'em a taste of cold steel!"

"Good man, that dwarf!" said Ridcully. "That's right! I'll get my crossbow!"

"There's too many of them," said Nanny flatly.

"Granny and Miss Magrat are out there, Mum," said Shawn. "Miss Magrat came over all strange and put on armor and went out to fight all all of them!" of them!"

"But the hills are crawling with elves," said Nanny. "It's a double helping of h.e.l.l with extra devils. Certain death."

"It's certain death anyway," said Ridcully. "That's the thing about Death, certainty."

"We'd have no chance at all," said Nanny.

"Actually, we'd have one chance," said Ridcully. "I don't understand all this continuinuinuum stuff, but from what young Stibbons says it means that everything has to happen somewhere, d'y'see, so that means it could could happen here. Even if it's a million to one chance, ma'am." happen here. Even if it's a million to one chance, ma'am."

"That's all very well," said Nanny, "but what you're saying is, for every Mr. Ridcully that survives tonight's work, 999,999 are going to get killed?"

"Yes, but I'm not bothered about those other b.u.g.g.e.rs," said Ridcully. "They can look after themselves. Serve 'em right for not inviting me to their weddings."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Shawn was hopping from one foot to the other.

"We ought to be fighting 'em, Mum!"

"Look at everyone!" said Nanny. "They're dog tired and wet and confused! That's not an army!"

"Mum, Mum, Mum!"

"What?"

"I'll p.u.s.s.ike 'em up, Mum! That's what you have to do before troops go into battle, Mum! I read about that in books! You can take a rabble of thingy and make the right kind of speech and p.u.s.s.ike them up and turn 'em into a terrible fighting force, Mum!"

"They look terrible anyway!"

"I mean terrible like fierce, Mum!"

Nanny Ogg looked at the hundred or so Lancre subjects. The thought of them managing to fight anyone at all took some getting used to.

"You been studyin' this, Shawn?" she inquired.

"I've got five years' worth of Bows and Ammo Bows and Ammo, Mum," said Shawn reproachfully.

"Give it a try, then. If you think it'll work."

Trembling with excitement, Shawn climbed on to a table, drew his sword with his good hand, and banged it on the planks until people were silent.

He made a speech.

He pointed out that their king had been captured and their prospective queen had gone out to save him. He pointed out their responsibility as loyal subjects. He pointed out that other people currently not here but at home hiding under the bed would, after the glorious victory, wish they'd been there too instead of under the aforesaid bed which they were hiding under, you know, the bed he'd just mentioned. In fact it was better better that there were so few here to face the enemy, because that meant that there would be a higher percentage of honor per surviving head. He used the word "glory" three times. He said that in times to come people would look back on this day, whatever the date was, and proudly show their scars, at least those who'd that there were so few here to face the enemy, because that meant that there would be a higher percentage of honor per surviving head. He used the word "glory" three times. He said that in times to come people would look back on this day, whatever the date was, and proudly show their scars, at least those who'd survived survived would show their scars, and be very proud and probably have drinks bought for them. He advised people to imitate the action of the Lancre Reciprocating Fox and stiffen some sinews while leaving them flexible enough so's they could move their arms and legs, in fact, probably it'd be better to relax them a bit now and stiffen them properly when the time came. He suggested that Lancre expected everyone to do their duty. And um. And uh. Please? would show their scars, and be very proud and probably have drinks bought for them. He advised people to imitate the action of the Lancre Reciprocating Fox and stiffen some sinews while leaving them flexible enough so's they could move their arms and legs, in fact, probably it'd be better to relax them a bit now and stiffen them properly when the time came. He suggested that Lancre expected everyone to do their duty. And um. And uh. Please?

The silence that followed was broken by Nanny Ogg, who said, "They're probably considering it a bit, Shawn. Why don't you take Mr. Wizard here up to his room and help him with his crossbow?"

She nodded meaningfully in the direction of the stairs.

Shawn wavered, but not for long. He'd seen the glint in his mother's eye.

When he'd gone, Nanny climbed up on the same table.

"Well," she said, "it's like this. If you go out there you may have to face elves. But if you stops here, you definitely definitely have to face me. Now, elves is worse than me, I'll admit. But I'm persistent." have to face me. Now, elves is worse than me, I'll admit. But I'm persistent."

Weaver put up a tentative hand.

"Please, Mrs. Ogg?"

"Yes, Weaver?"

"What exactly is is the action of the Reciprocating Fox?" the action of the Reciprocating Fox?"

Nanny scratched her ear.

"As I recall," she said, "its back legs go like this this but its front legs go like but its front legs go like this this."

"No, no, no," said Quarney the storekeeper. "It's its tail tail that goes like that goes like that that. Its legs go like this this."

"That's not reciprocating, that's just oscillating," said someone. "You're thinking of the Ring-tailed Ocelot."

Nanny nodded.

"That's settled, then," she said.

"Hold on, I'm not sure-"

"Yes, Mr. Quarney?"

"Oh...well..."

"Good, good," said Nanny, as Shawn reappeared. "They was just saying, our Shawn, how they was swayed by your speech. Really p.u.s.s.iked up."

"Cor!"

"They're ready to follow you into the jaws of h.e.l.l itself, I expect," said Nanny.

Someone put up their hand.

"Are you coming too, Mrs. Ogg?"

"I'll just stroll along behind," said Nanny.

"Oh. Well. Maybe as far as as far as the jaws of h.e.l.l, then." the jaws of h.e.l.l, then."

"Amazing," said Casanunda to Nanny, as the crowd filed reluctantly toward the armory.

"You just got to know how to deal with people."

"They'll follow where an Ogg leads?"

"Not exactly," said Nanny, "but if they know what's good for 'em they'll go where an Ogg follows."

Magrat stepped out from under the trees, and the moorland lay ahead of her.

A whirlpool of cloud swirled over the Dancers, or at least, over the place where the Dancers had been. She could make out one or two stones by the flickering light, lying on their side or rolled down the slope of the hill.

The hill itself glowed. Something was wrong with the landscape. It curved where it shouldn't curve. Distances weren't right. Magrat remembered a woodcut shoved in as a place marker in one of her old books. It showed the face of an old crone but, if you stared at it, you saw it was also the head of a young woman; a nose became a neck, an eyebrow became a necklace. The images seesawed back and forth. And like everyone else, she'd squinted herself silly trying to see them both at the same time.

The landscape was doing pretty much the same thing. What was a hill was also at the same time at the same time a vast s...o...b..und panorama. Lancre and the land of the elves were trying to occupy the same s.p.a.ce. a vast s...o...b..und panorama. Lancre and the land of the elves were trying to occupy the same s.p.a.ce.

The intrusive country wasn't having it all its own way. Lancre was fighting back.

There was a circle of tents just on the cusp of the warring landscapes, like a beachhead on an alien sh.o.r.e. They were brightly colored. Everything about the elves was beautiful, until the image tilted, and you saw it from the other side...

Something was happening. Several elves were on horseback, and more horses were being led between the tents.

It looked as though they were breaking camp.

The Queen sat on a makeshift throne in her tent. She sat with her elbow resting on one arm of the throne and her fingers curling pensively around her mouth.

There were other elves seated in a semicircle, except that "seated" was a barely satisfactory word. They lounged; elves could make themselves at home on a wire. And here there was more lace and velvet and fewer feathers, although it was hard to know if it meant that these were aristocrats-elves seemed to wear whatever they felt like wearing, confident of looking absolutely stunning.*

Every one of them watched the Queen, and was a mirror of her moods. When she smiled, they smiled. When she said something she thought was amusing, they laughed.

Currently the object of her attention was Granny Weatherwax.

"What is happening, old woman?" she said.

"It ain't easy, is it?" said Granny. "Thought it would would be easy, didn't you?" be easy, didn't you?"

"You've done some magic, haven't you? Something is fighting us."

"No magic," said Granny. "No magic at all. It's just that you've been away too long. Things change. The land belongs to humans now."

"That can't be the case," said the Queen. "Humans take. They plough with iron. They ravage the land."

"Some do, I'll grant you that. Others put back more'n they take. They put back love. They've got soil in their bones. They tell the land what it is. That's what humans are for. Without humans, Lancre'd just be a bit of ground with green bits on it. They wouldn't even know they're trees. We're all down here together, madam-us and the land. It's not just land anymore, it's a country. It's like a horse that's been broken and shod or a dog that's been tamed. Every time people put a plough in the soil or planted a seed they took the land further away from you," said Granny. "Things change."

Verence sat beside the Queen. His pupils were tiny pinpoints; he smiled faintly, permanently, in a way very reminiscent of the Bursar.

"Ah. But when we are married married," said the Queen, "the land must accept me. By your own rules. I know how it works. There's more to being a king than wearing a crown. The king and the land are one. The king and the queen are one. And I shall be queen."

She smiled at Granny. There was an elf on either side of her and, Granny knew, at least one behind her. Elves were not given to introspection; if she moved without permission, she'd die.

"What you you shall be is something I have yet to decide," said the Queen. She held up an exquisitely thin hand and curled the thumb and forefinger into a ring, which she held up to her eye. shall be is something I have yet to decide," said the Queen. She held up an exquisitely thin hand and curled the thumb and forefinger into a ring, which she held up to her eye.