Lords And Ladies Part 29

There were little kingdoms all over the hubward slopes of the Ramtops. Every narrow valley, every ledge that something other than a goat could stand on, was a kingdom. There were kingdoms in the Ramtops so small that, if they were ravaged by a dragon, and that dragon had been killed by a young hero, and the king had given him half his kingdom as per Section Three of the Heroic Code, then there wouldn't have been been any kingdom left. There were wars of annexation that went on for years just because someone wanted a place to keep the coal. any kingdom left. There were wars of annexation that went on for years just because someone wanted a place to keep the coal.

Lancre was one of the biggest kingdoms. It could actually afford a standing army.*

Kings and queens and various sub-orders of aristocracy were even now streaming over Lancre bridge, watched by a sulking and soaking-wet troll who had given up on bridge-keeping for the day.

The Great Hall had been thrown open. Jugglers and fire-eaters strolled among the crowd. Up in the minstrels gallery a small orchestra was playing the Lancre one-string fiddle and famed Ramtop bagpipes, but fortunately they were more or less drowned out by the noise of the crowd.

Nanny Ogg and Granny Weatherwax moved through said crowd. In deference to this being a festive occasion, Nanny Ogg had exchanged her normal black pointy hat for one the same shape but in red, with wax cherries on it.

"All the hort mond are here," Nanny observed, taking a drink off a pa.s.sing tray. "Even some wizards from Ankh-Morpork, our Shawn said. One of them said I had a fine body, he said. Been tryin' to remember all morning who that could have been."

"Spoiled for choice," said Granny, but it was automatic nastiness, with no real heart to it. It worried Nanny Ogg. Her friend seemed preoccupied.

"There's some gentry gentry we don't want to see here," said Granny. "I won't be happy until all this is over." we don't want to see here," said Granny. "I won't be happy until all this is over."

Nanny Ogg craned to try and see over the head of a small emperor.

"Can't see Magrat around," she said. "There's Verence talking to some other kings, but can't see our Magrat at all all. Our Shawn said Millie Chillum said she was just a bag of nerves this morning."

"All these high-born folks," said Granny, looking around at the crowned heads. "I feel like a fish out of water."

"Well, the way I see it, it's up to you to make your own water," said Nanny, picking up a cold roast chicken leg from the buffet and stuffing it up a sleeve.

"Don't drink too much. We've got to keep alert, Gytha. Remember what I said. Don't let yourself get distracted-"

"That's never the delectable Mrs. Ogg, is it?"

Nanny turned.

There was no one behind her.

"Down here," said the voice.

She looked down, into a wide grin.

"Oh, blast," she said.

"It's me, Casanunda," said Casanunda, who was dwarfed still further by an enormous* powdered wig. "You remember? We danced the night away in Genua?" powdered wig. "You remember? We danced the night away in Genua?"

"No we didn't."

"Well, we could have done."

"Fancy you turning up here," said Nanny, weakly. The thing about Casanunda, she recalled, was that the harder you slapped him down the faster he bounced back, often in an unexpected direction.

"Our stars are entwined," said Casanunda. "We're fated for one another. I wants your body, Mrs. Ogg."

"I'm still using it."

And while she suspected, quite accurately, that this was an approach the world's second greatest lover used on anything that appeared to be even vaguely female, Nanny Ogg had to admit that she was flattered. She'd had many admirers in her younger days, but time had left her with a body that could only be called comfortable and a face like Mr. Grape the Happy Raisin. Long-banked fires gave off a little smoke.

Besides, she'd rather liked liked Casanunda. Most men were oblique in their approach, whereas his direct attack was refreshing. Casanunda. Most men were oblique in their approach, whereas his direct attack was refreshing.

"It'd never work," she said. "We're basically incompatible. When I'm 5' 4" you'll still only be 3' 9". Anyway, I'm old enough to be your mother."

"You can't be. My mother's nearly 300, and she's got a better beard than you."

And of course that was another point. By dwarf standards, Nanny Ogg was hardly more than a teenager.

"La, sir," she said, giving him a playful tap that made his ears ring, "you do know how to turn a simple country girl's head and no mistake!"

Casanunda picked himself up and adjusted his wig happily.

"I like a girl with spirit," he said. "How about you and me having a little tete-a-tete when this is over?"

Nanny Ogg's face went blank. Her cosmopolitan grip of language had momentarily let her down.

"Excuse me a minute," she said. She put her drink down on his head and pushed through the crowd until she found a likely looking d.u.c.h.ess, and prodded her in the bustle regions.

"Hey, your grace, what's a tater tate?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"A tater tate? Do you do it with your clothes on or what?"

"It means an intimate meeting, my good woman."

"Is that all? Oh. Ta."

Nanny Ogg elbowed her way back to the vibrating dwarf.

"You're on," she said.

"I thought we could have a little private dinner, just you and me," said Casanunda. "In one of the taverns?"

Never, in a long history of romance, had Nanny Ogg ever been taken out for an intimate dinner. Her courtships had been more noted for their quant.i.ty than their quality.

"OK," was all she could think of to say.

"Dodge your chaperone and meet me at six o'clock?"

Nanny Ogg glanced at Granny Weatherwax, who was watching them disapprovingly from a distance.

"She's not my-" she began.

Then it dawned on her that Casanunda couldn't possibly have really thought that Granny Weatherwax was chaperoning her.

Compliments and flattery had also been very minor components in the machinery of Nanny Ogg's courtships.

"Yes, all right," she said.

"And now I shall circulate, so that people don't talk and ruin your reputation," said Casanunda, bowing and kissing Nanny Ogg's hand.

Her mouth dropped open. No one had ever kissed her hand before, either, and certainly no one had ever worried about her reputation, least of all Nanny Ogg.

As the world's second greatest lover bustled off to accost a countess, Granny Weatherwax-who had been watching from a discreet distance* -said, in an amiable voice: "You haven't got the morals of a cat, Gytha Ogg." -said, in an amiable voice: "You haven't got the morals of a cat, Gytha Ogg."

"Now, Esme, you know that's not true."

"All right. You have have got the morals of a cat, then." got the morals of a cat, then."

"That's better."

Nanny Ogg patted her ma.s.s of white curls and wondered if she had time to go home and put her corsets on.

"We must stay on our guard, Gytha."

"Yes, yes."

"Can't let other considerations turn our heads."

"No, no."

"You're not listening to a word I say, are you?"

"What?"

"You could at least find out why Magrat isn't down here."

"All right."

Nanny Ogg wandered off, dreamily.

Granny Weatherwax turned- -there should have been violins. The murmur of the crowd should have faded away, and the crowd itself should have parted in a quite natural movement to leave an empty path between her and Ridcully.

There should have been violins. There should have been something something.

There shouldn't have been the Librarian accidentally knuckling her on the toe on his way to the buffet, but this, in fact, there was.

She hardly noticed.

"Esme?" said Ridcully.

"Mustrum?" said Granny Weatherwax.

Nanny Ogg bustled up.

"Esme, I saw Millie Chillum and she said-"

Granny Weatherwax's vicious elbow jab winded her. Nanny took in the scene.

"Ah," she said, "I'll just, I'll just...I'll just go away, then."

The gazes locked again.

The Librarian knuckled past again with an entire display of fruit.

Granny Weatherwax paid him no heed.

The Bursar, who was currently on the median point of his cycle, tapped Ridcully on the shoulder.

"I say, Archchancellor, these quails' eggs are amazingly go-"

"DROP DEAD. Mr. Stibbons, fish out the frog pills and keep knives away from him, please."

The gazes locked again.

"Well, well," said Granny, after a year or so.

"This must be some enchanted evening," said Ridcully.

"Yes. That's what I'm afraid of."

"That really is is you, isn't it?" you, isn't it?"

"It's really me," said Granny.

"You haven't changed a bit, Esme."

"Nor have you, then. You're still still a rotten liar, Mustrum Ridcully." a rotten liar, Mustrum Ridcully."

They walked toward one another. The Librarian shuttled between them with a tray of meringues. Behind them, Ponder Stibbons groveled on the floor for a spilled bottle of dried frog pills.

"Well, well," said Ridcully.

"Fancy that."

"Small world."

"Yes indeed."

"You're you and I'm me. Amazing. And it's here and now."

"Yes, but then then was was then then."

"I sent you a lot of letters," said Ridcully.