Lord, Change My Attitude_ Before Its Too Late Part 7

PRINCIPLE THREE: CRITICISM IS SELF-EXALTING.

Here's a third principle about criticism that we find ill.u.s.trated in the attack by Aaron and Miriam: Criticism is self-exalting. Criticism is self-exalting. Ultimately, criticism inflates the self. Oswald Chambers, the great devotional writer, wrote, "Beware of anything that puts you in the place of the superior person." Anything that makes you feel superior is not conducive to your spiritual life. That's what criticism does: It takes the focus off me and my faults and highlights me as the one who knows. "I know; I see." Criticism elevates me as the highest and best. Criticism reduces the pain of being in the spotlight and gives me the fleshly satisfaction of running the spotlight. And in a sick sort of way it can feel good to put that kind of pressure on others. People find it much harder to see my life if I am shining the glaring light of criticism on others! Ultimately, criticism inflates the self. Oswald Chambers, the great devotional writer, wrote, "Beware of anything that puts you in the place of the superior person." Anything that makes you feel superior is not conducive to your spiritual life. That's what criticism does: It takes the focus off me and my faults and highlights me as the one who knows. "I know; I see." Criticism elevates me as the highest and best. Criticism reduces the pain of being in the spotlight and gives me the fleshly satisfaction of running the spotlight. And in a sick sort of way it can feel good to put that kind of pressure on others. People find it much harder to see my life if I am shining the glaring light of criticism on others!

Be careful you don't find yourself saying subconsciously, "If I can't make my mark in this world by what I do, maybe I'll make it for knowing what others could do better." Criticism is self-exalting, and G.o.d will not honor that.

PRINCIPLE FOUR: CRITICISM IS PAINFUL.

Here is a fourth, unexpected principle of criticism in our biblical story: Criticism is painful Criticism is painful. Let's look at criticism's impact on the other person. You are probably well aware of the pain of someone criticizing you. Imagine Moses: His brother and sister, the ones he thought he could count on, suddenly turned on him. The betrayal must have cut deeply. Sometimes the ones who injure us the most are the ones closest to us. Our immediate families at home and at church know our faults and where we are vulnerable to injury.

A person who is constantly or continually criticized can become good-for-nothing. The effect of criticism can knock all of the confidence and power out of a person's life. The pain from the "coldwater bucket brigade" can be devastating.

If your ideas are ignored and your efforts ridiculed, if you have been mocked by those from whom you most need support and encouragement, my heart goes out to you. Parents often leave their kids' lives in shambles by creating a household filled with criticism. Maybe you have been thinking about your parents or some other significant person this whole chapter-hardly able to focus on your own life because you have been seeing the face of your harshest critic. You remember someone who has left deep scars upon your life by constantly criticizing you. "That's not good enough!" Or, "You'll never get it right!" Maybe those words ring in your ears.

How do you respond to such criticism? The key is to remember we are not here to win people's approval but G.o.d's. The apostle Paul wrote, "Am I now seeking the favor of men, or of G.o.d? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ" "Am I now seeking the favor of men, or of G.o.d? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ" (Galatians 1:10). (Galatians 1:10).

Theodore Roosevelt said, "It's not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbles or how the doer of deeds might have done it better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat." 1 1 I encourage you to turn down the volume on the critics in your life. Center your attention on what G.o.d thinks of you, and life will be better. Otherse, it's so easy to get sucked into the wilderness by someone who seems to love it there.

PRINCIPLE FIVE: CRITICISM IS OFTEN INADVERTENT.

A fifth principle of criticism that we learn through Aaron and Miriam is that criticism is often inadvertent. criticism is often inadvertent. This is a very important point. Not every person who criticizes has a wicked, awful heart. A healthy portion of the critical things that people say are words they wouldn't say if they thought twice. This is a very important point. Not every person who criticizes has a wicked, awful heart. A healthy portion of the critical things that people say are words they wouldn't say if they thought twice.

People, including you and me, often utter careless, thoughtless words that strike others like a slap in the face. Our verbal missiles are not targeted for intentional injury, but loose lips often do damage we don't antic.i.p.ate. On a better day, filled with the Spirit and focused on what's right, we would never choose to say those things. Criticism is often inadvertent. Notice in the text how quickly Aaron said, "We have acted foolishly" "We have acted foolishly" (Numbers 12:11). He didn't try to defend his position. He doesn't stick up for what they said with, "Yes! Moses did marry the wrong person!" And, "We should have more prominence!" He realized his position, and as soon as he did, notice how quickly he and Miriam retreated. (Numbers 12:11). He didn't try to defend his position. He doesn't stick up for what they said with, "Yes! Moses did marry the wrong person!" And, "We should have more prominence!" He realized his position, and as soon as he did, notice how quickly he and Miriam retreated.

His example makes this point: Inadvertent criticism does damage to people we really do care about.

PRINCIPLE SIX: CRITICISM PLUGS THE FLOW OF G.o.d'S BLESSING A sixth principle about criticism can also be found in our pa.s.sage: Criticism plugs the flow of G.o.d's blessing Criticism plugs the flow of G.o.d's blessing. Oswald Chambers made a brilliant observation: "Whenever you are in a critical temper, it is impossible to enter into communion with G.o.d." That's a scary thought! Criticism makes us hard and vindictive and cruel. It leaves us with the flattering notion that we are superior persons. It is impossible to develop the characteristics of a saint and at the same time maintain a critical att.i.tude. Criticism harms our relationship with G.o.d and others, and that will block the flow of G.o.d's blessing.

I have observed a pattern over the past five years as a number of people have come to Harvest Bible Chapel from other churches. They have arrived wounded, tired, and sometimes angry. My primary concern has not been about their critical att.i.tude as new members. What I'm concerned about is the critical att.i.tude they might have toward the churches that they left. Perhaps things were said during their departure that caused injuries. If they have brought hurts, frustrations, and unresolved conflicts with them from their past experiences, these may come out in continual criticism that will poison them and their new relationships. There is a solution: The offense must be addressed. Thus, I regularly challenge new people, in Jesus' name, to write a letter or make a phone call in order to settle past offenses. I would challenge you also: If criticism from past emotional injuries has leaked into your family, you must find a way to apply healing. If your kids know your frustration and have heard your negative att.i.tude toward others, you are injuring them spiritually. Please remember that our children get a lot of their early att.i.tudes from us.

I challenge you to have a righteous, gracious att.i.tude toward the church of Christ and toward the servants of Christ. The momentary relief you may get from criticizing other Christians is not worth the damage you will pa.s.s on to your family. And the critical att.i.tude festering in your heart is not worth the damage you will do to your relationship with G.o.d. To restore G.o.d's blessing, we need to confess and forsake this wilderness att.i.tude, and replace it with a Promised Land att.i.tude. That brings us to the solution . . . but first, some personal words about my response to criticism.

UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL.

It's probably not surprising that I get a significant amount of criticism. It seems to go with the pastoral territory. I know a lot of it is deserved. Some of it is even helpful. But whether deserved or not, negative comments are hard to deal with. My greatest struggle, however, is not to deal with the pain of being criticized but to make sure that I don't catch the disease. Too often I have heard myself speaking words of criticism that, upon further reflection, were rooted in the pain I felt from being harshly treated. This is not an acceptable excuse.

Some of the pain that fuels criticism must be quickly dismissed as not worthy of our attention. In this respect, I value the example of Abraham Lincoln. He received an amazing cascade of harsh criticism during his lifetime. Mr. Lincoln himself once commented: If I tried to read, much less answer, all the criticisms made of me and all the attacks leveled against me, this office would have to be closed for all other business. I do the best I know how-the very best I can-and I mean to keep on doing this down to the very end. If the end brings me out all wrong, ten angels swearing I had been right would make no difference. If the end brings me out all right, then what is said against me now will not amount to anything. If I tried to read, much less answer, all the criticisms made of me and all the attacks leveled against me, this office would have to be closed for all other business. I do the best I know how-the very best I can-and I mean to keep on doing this down to the very end. If the end brings me out all wrong, ten angels swearing I had been right would make no difference. If the end brings me out all right, then what is said against me now will not amount to anything. 2 2 But all of the criticism we receive cannot be dismissed. What remains must be taken to the Lord.

G.o.d wants to help us bear the pain when others sin against us. I had to learn that when the pain of criticism shows up in wrong att.i.tudes to those around me, I have not really taken my burden to the Lord. First Peter 5 speaks of the pain of false accusation and unjust treatment, telling us to cast our cares upon Him, because He cares for us (see verse 7). That's what breaks the chains of criticism from others and keeps a critical spirit from growing in us.

LET'S TALK SOLUTION I trust that you have sensed G.o.d connecting these words about criticism to your life. We need to have a clear idea of what we're asking G.o.d to replace when it comes to our critical att.i.tude. I invite you to seriously consider the following personal questions.

1. Am I a critical person? Is that too general a question? Try this: Am I negative and harsh in my opinions of others? Am I quick to find fault? Am I an a.n.a.lytical person who gets carried away into criticism? I am particularly sensitive to this because that's who I am. I know the frustration of defeat in this area myself. Those who are a.n.a.lytical-who have all kinds of thoughts and ideas constantly coming through their minds-need to respond to this challenge: Am I a critical person? Am I a critical person? Is that too general a question? Try this: Am I negative and harsh in my opinions of others? Am I quick to find fault? Am I an a.n.a.lytical person who gets carried away into criticism? I am particularly sensitive to this because that's who I am. I know the frustration of defeat in this area myself. Those who are a.n.a.lytical-who have all kinds of thoughts and ideas constantly coming through their minds-need to respond to this challenge: Am I a critical person?

2. Am I reaping the consequences in my relationship with G.o.d? As is true of each of these negative att.i.tudes, we may be able to spot the results in our lives more clearly than we can see the causes themselves. A critical spirit creates all the effects we have mentioned in this chapter. So ask yourself: Is my life like a wilderness? Is my heart like a wasteland? Am I reaping the consequences in my relationship with G.o.d? Am I ready to agree that my critical att.i.tude is one reason I'm in the desert? Am I reaping the consequences in my relationship with G.o.d? As is true of each of these negative att.i.tudes, we may be able to spot the results in our lives more clearly than we can see the causes themselves. A critical spirit creates all the effects we have mentioned in this chapter. So ask yourself: Is my life like a wilderness? Is my heart like a wasteland? Am I reaping the consequences in my relationship with G.o.d? Am I ready to agree that my critical att.i.tude is one reason I'm in the desert?

3. Am I willing to repent? Am I willing to turn from the rationalizations that allowed me to form that pattern of thinking? Am I willing to turn from the habit of a critical att.i.tude and repent? If so, I encourage you to review the prayer below, and then make it your own as you ask G.o.d to help you deal with your critical att.i.tude. Am I willing to repent? Am I willing to turn from the rationalizations that allowed me to form that pattern of thinking? Am I willing to turn from the habit of a critical att.i.tude and repent? If so, I encourage you to review the prayer below, and then make it your own as you ask G.o.d to help you deal with your critical att.i.tude.

Look Up Lord, thank You for the priceless privilege to worship and live alongside my brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank You that each one is known and loved by You and has his and her own story of Your grace and goodness in their lives. Lord, I am like them in that You found me in my sin also. And You have shone the light of Christ into my life. Now I am in the process of growing and becoming more like You. Help e along the way to discern the difference between loving, constructive criticism and the kind of criticism that destroys. Help me to think highly and graciously about others. Help me to pray for others.

Thank You that Your Word has shone into my heart. Thank You for using it to reveal the price that I pay for my critical opinions. Forgive me for thinking so highly of myself. Forgive me for thinking that my perspective is always the right perspective. G.o.d, I recognize the arrogance in that. Give me graciousness, love, and forbearance with others. Thank You, G.o.d, that You have made us all different. Help me to celebrate our differences and not demand that all the world see things exactly as I do. Give me victory over a critical spirit. Make me quick to turn from that pattern of thinking so that I might know Your fullness in my life. I pray this in Jesus' precious name. Amen.

NOTES.

1. Michael P. Green, ed. , 2nd ed. Ill.u.s.trations for Biblical Preaching Ill.u.s.trations for Biblical Preaching (Grand Rapids: Baker, 1989), 87. (Grand Rapids: Baker, 1989), 87.

2. Paul Lee Tan, Encyclopedia of 7,700 Ill.u.s.trations: Signs of the Times Encyclopedia of 7,700 Ill.u.s.trations: Signs of the Times (Rockville, Md.: a.s.surance, 1979), 294. (Rockville, Md.: a.s.surance, 1979), 294.

CHAPTER 6:.

...WITH AN ATt.i.tUDE OF LOVE.

1 CORINTHIANS 13:18a SAY IT IN A SENTENCE: SAY IT IN A SENTENCE:.

The only att.i.tude big enough to replace a critical att.i.tude is an att.i.tude of love.

A business traveler I'll call Chris was waiting in a "Red Carpet Club"; you know, one of those frequent-flyer-perk places in airports where you can hang out during flight delays. Chris was just chilling on the phone and noticed that just across the aisle was Bill Gates, that guy from Microsoft. Not having enough cla.s.s to just leave him alone, he walked over and asked, "Are you Bill Gates?"

Bill looked up from behind his newspaper and said, "Yes."

"I'm so excited to meet you. I can't believe I'm finally meeting a famous person. This has never happened to me before!" By then, he was babbling. Bill's response was an unspoken smile that said, It's happening now. It's happening now.

So then the irritating guy says, "This is like such a big deal. I just can't believe that I finally get to meet you. Here's the thing. In a few minutes I've got a really big meeting here with some very important clients. I don't know if I should ask you this or not, but I really want to impress these people. So, is there any way while I'm meeting with them-my name's Chris, by the way-that you could come over and tap me on the shoulder and say, 'Hey, Chris. How's it going?' or something like that? Because they would really be impressed if they thought that I knew you. And I'll just play along or whatever."

Surprisingly, Bill Gates said, "OK."

So, a few minutes later, Chris was in this meeting with the clients he was trying to impress. Sure enough, he felt a tapping on his shoulder. He looked up as Bill Gates said, "Hey, Chris. How's it going?"

And he said, "Take a hike, Gates. Can't you see I'm in a meeting?"

A friend sent me that story by E-mail. (You can judge for yourself whether it is true.) When I heard the story, I thought, I know what that feels like. I know what that feels like. I know what it feels like to really try to help somebody or go out of your way for somebody, and all of a sudden they give you that "fingernails on a chalkboard feeling," or worse! Most of our difficulties in life are the result of difficult people. And, more often than not, our reaction is negative and becomes the larger issue as it relates to our own att.i.tudes and our desire to st not, but ut of the wilderness. I know what it feels like to really try to help somebody or go out of your way for somebody, and all of a sudden they give you that "fingernails on a chalkboard feeling," or worse! Most of our difficulties in life are the result of difficult people. And, more often than not, our reaction is negative and becomes the larger issue as it relates to our own att.i.tudes and our desire to st not, but ut of the wilderness.

We're talking in this chapter about replacing a critical att.i.tude. Sometimes, that's really hard to do because people can be so irritating. Criticism, I think, more than any other wilderness att.i.tude, is the one that can really trap us. When we allow the inevitable frustrations that come from others to make us critical, negative, and faultfinding, then we are headed for the wilderness for sure.

WHAT TO DO.

Here's how to get out. The att.i.tude that replaces a critical one is love. Now if you have some people in your life you're just dying to criticize, you're probably like, "Beautiful. That's it? I have to love love everybody-even...?Do you know who you're talking about-do you have any idea-you're asking me to love them?" Yes, you can love that person-husband, boss, neighbor, or whoever-and the Bible tells you and me how. everybody-even...?Do you know who you're talking about-do you have any idea-you're asking me to love them?" Yes, you can love that person-husband, boss, neighbor, or whoever-and the Bible tells you and me how.

Open your Bible to 1 Corinthians 13. People call it "the Love Chapter." Normally you don't go there except if you're at a wedding or wedding anniversary. First Corinthians 13 is like a flower that loses its beauty if you start dissecting it and pulling all the petals off. I want to make sure we don't do that to 1 Corinthians 13. If you have only heard it in church and never studied it for yourself, then you may have missed the powerful transforming truth that is found there.

The church in Corinth had many powerful traits going for it. The members did have real problems, but 1 Corinthians 1:7 says that they had spiritual gifts; and 11:2 points out that they had good solid doctrine. What was missing, however, was love; and Paul, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, did not hesitate to tell them how much they were really missing.

Let's begin with this thought from 1 Corinthians 13:12: All truth and no love is brutality. All truth and no love is brutality. Speaking only the raw truth and not loving others is a very brutal thing. First Corinthians 13:1 says, Speaking only the raw truth and not loving others is a very brutal thing. First Corinthians 13:1 says, "If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal." "If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal."

The concept of love in the world is terribly distorted. Those distortions affect the way we hear G.o.d's Word.

LOVE IS IS A MANY-SPLENDORED THING A MANY-SPLENDORED THING.

As you may know, there are three Greek words in Scripture for the word love . . I want to focus on the word I want to focus on the word agape agape , because that's the word Paul used in this chapter. At the time the Scripture was written, almost two thousand years ago now, this , because that's the word Paul used in this chapter. At the time the Scripture was written, almost two thousand years ago now, this agape agape love was very rare and seldom used in society. People used the more common terms love was very rare and seldom used in society. People used the more common terms eros eros , which refers to sensual love, or , which refers to sensual love, or phileo phileo , which describes a brotherly relationship. But the term they hardly ever used in New Testament times is the one we see most frequently in Scripture. , which describes a brotherly relationship. But the term they hardly ever used in New Testament times is the one we see most frequently in Scripture. Agape Agape means a selfless love, giving love, you-before-me love. It describes love as an act of the will; a choice I make. means a selfless love, giving love, you-before-me love. It describes love as an act of the will; a choice I make.

However, what we often mean when we say "I love you" is not, "I've made a commitment to place your needs above my own." Instead, we often mean, "I love what you do for me. You make me feel good. What you are doing right now is working for the person that I truly love most, which is me. me. " What we're really saying is, " What we're really saying is, "I feel something." "I feel something." Aren't we saying, "You're making me feel something that I really enjoy feeling"? Aren't we saying, "You're making me feel something that I really enjoy feeling"?

Now that is not love. That is self-centeredness. If you build a relationship upon that, some very difficult days are ahead.

ANGEL TALK.

In this specific pa.s.sage of Scripture, we are challenged to make love complete. It says, "If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels." "If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels." Now there is no such thing in Scripture an angelic language. The angels don't speak a different language. Anytime an angel appears in Scripture, the angel always speaks in a human language. Angels are messengers; they speak in the language of those to whom they are sent. What Paul is saying here is, "If I could be the most eloquent man...no, no, wait-if could be the most eloquent being...if I could be like one of those angelic messengers and speak so clearly and plainly for G.o.d that it made a difference in people's lives, but I didn't love the people whom I was talking to," people wouldn't hear the message over the ringing in their ears. Now there is no such thing in Scripture an angelic language. The angels don't speak a different language. Anytime an angel appears in Scripture, the angel always speaks in a human language. Angels are messengers; they speak in the language of those to whom they are sent. What Paul is saying here is, "If I could be the most eloquent man...no, no, wait-if could be the most eloquent being...if I could be like one of those angelic messengers and speak so clearly and plainly for G.o.d that it made a difference in people's lives, but I didn't love the people whom I was talking to," people wouldn't hear the message over the ringing in their ears.

That's what verse 1 means. No matter how clearly you understand G.o.d's truth or how capable you are of bringing truth to bear upon a person's life, if you don't love the people you're talking to, if you don't have a broken heart for the people that you're trying to share truth with, you are wasting your time. Your words are just like a clanging in their ears. We find that our effort creates destruction in their lives instead of good things. When we present the truth aggressively or with a critical att.i.tude, they are irritated by what we say rather than blessed and uplifted. We're like clanging cymbals.

ANOTHER BARRIER.

We could even have a great knowledge of G.o.d and a great faith in G.o.d and fail to communicate if we don't have a loving att.i.tude. Paul continued, "If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love . . ." "If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love . . ." (verse 2). What if you understood every deep theological issue? What if you had your Ph.D. in (verse 2). What if you understood every deep theological issue? What if you had your Ph.D. in G.o.d and the Bible? G.o.d and the Bible? Doesn't matter. And if you had "all faith" -such confidence in G.o.d that you could do what Jesus talked about and move mountains (see Matthew 17:20; 21:21); this phenomenal vertical thing with G.o.d-then could G.o.d use you? Not if you didn't love people. Doesn't matter. And if you had "all faith" -such confidence in G.o.d that you could do what Jesus talked about and move mountains (see Matthew 17:20; 21:21); this phenomenal vertical thing with G.o.d-then could G.o.d use you? Not if you didn't love people.

If you don't love the person that you are trying to reach, you could have A+ faith and still fail the test. No, it's worse than failure. When you try to make a difference in someone's life by bringing them truth, what does it say in the text? It's, like, don't even bother marking the test; just throw it in the trash. Give the guy zero, because he doesn't love. All truth without love just causes damage. It's brutal.

Whether we exhibit great communication skills, knowledge, or faith, if it is not accompanied by a loving att.i.tude, the message will fall flat. People care how we say it as much as what we say. If we have a critical att.i.tude-toward the lost or even Christian brothers and sisters-those watching us will be unable to fully accept the message. That's why a loving att.i.tude toward others is the only antidote to a critical att.i.tude.

What do people say about the followers of Jesus Christ? Do you know what they call us? I was talking to a guy the other day who said, "You're not one of those Bible-beaters, are you? You won't shove the Bible in my face, saying, 'Wise up or go to h.e.l.l'?" I didn't know what to say. "Well, uh yes, but, er...no, not like that. I mean, I hope I'm not. . . er, well, never mind." It's so sad that those who have the greatest message of love in the universe can be so unloving with it. It's brutal; it's harsh. And we're hurting people-not helping. We're not making the difference that we want to make, because the love isn't there.

WILL GREAT SACRIFICES HELP?.

Paul takes an interesting turn in verse 3. His thought goes in the complete opposite direction. "If I give all my possessions . . . " "If I give all my possessions . . . " OK, so then if love is putting others' needs ahea of my own, then I'm going to be just crazy. I'm going to give, give, and give. Get some food and some clothing and some money, and I'm going to meet needs. You all can stand around and study the Bible all you want to; I'm going to make a difference in this world. I'm going to pour myself into people. OK, so then if love is putting others' needs ahea of my own, then I'm going to be just crazy. I'm going to give, give, and give. Get some food and some clothing and some money, and I'm going to meet needs. You all can stand around and study the Bible all you want to; I'm going to make a difference in this world. I'm going to pour myself into people.

We've got our "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelets, key chains, and shirts. And we're out here meeting needs. You all are over there studying the Bible; we're out here meeting needs. But wait a minute, "If I give all my possessions to feed the poor . . ." "If I give all my possessions to feed the poor . . ." All of them? That's love, right? But Paul goes on, All of them? That's love, right? But Paul goes on, "If I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing." "If I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing."

Did you get that?

If I make the ultimate sacrifice but have no love, it's worthless!

Now that's not what you expect G.o.d's Word to say. You think to yourself, "Well how could you possibly give everything you have to people in need and give yourself for them and not love them?" The point that Paul is making is that love is a balance between affection and truth. We tend to think of love as affection. Love is far more than affection. Biblical love is both truth and affection put together and kept together.

TIME FOR SOME BALANCE!.

An imbalance of biblical love has often infected the church. On one hand is radical fundamentalism that emphasizes all truth and is legalistic and screaming, "This is what the Word says, boy!" That's not what Jesus did. On the other hand, we have a liberal Christianity that says, "Bag the Bible; we have Jesus! We have His heart for the hurting, and we're going out to make a difference in this world." Jesus didn't do that either. Neither one of those is what Christ intended. It appears we need a balance between these two: truth and acts of mercy; acts of mercy and truth. Anything less is not biblical love. For instance, Jerry isn't sure how to show love yet speak truth. He described his dilemma: "My friend has a drinking problem. I can tell it by his breath. I can see it in his eyes. I know it by his actions. I know that he is hurting himself and his family. So what do I do? If I go and speak truth to him, he might reject me. So I'm just going to love him and care for him. But that's not really right either, because if I just leave him and I know that he is hurting himself, something inside me tells me that's not loving."

A lot of times we feel caught in between these two choices: G.o.d's truth, given in His Scriptures, and the command to love, which Jesus said is how "all men will know that you are My disciples" (John 13:35). And so we get into this balancing act of love and truth, truth and love. Most of us fail on one side or the other.

Stop the Presses-New Headline!

I'm going to tell you: It's not about balancing truth and love. It's not about balancing truth and love. We can't replace criticism with a tightrope walk between truth and love. We need a paradigm shift. Do you know what a paradigm shift is? We can't replace criticism with a tightrope walk between truth and love. We need a paradigm shift. Do you know what a paradigm shift is?

A paradigm shift occurs when you have been looking at something one way for such a long time that you think that's the only way it is. All of a sudden, you walk around the other side of the issue, and you're like, "Agh! It's totally totally not like what I thought it was! It's completely different." not like what I thought it was! It's completely different."

We need to make that complete shift in how we look at truth and love. We're not supposed to be balancing love and truth as though they are separate things. What 1 Corinthians 13 is teaching-and you won't hear this very often at a wedding-is that truth is part part of love and that you're not really loving if speaking truth is not part her quation. All truth and no love is brutality. The rest of 1 Corinthians 13 can be summarized in the following statements: of love and that you're not really loving if speaking truth is not part her quation. All truth and no love is brutality. The rest of 1 Corinthians 13 can be summarized in the following statements: On the majors-action. On the minors-acceptance. In all things-love.

Let's look at verses 4 and 5 in a moment. First Corinthians 13:6 says love "does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth." "does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth." Notice, it's not truth versus love; truth is part of the biblical definition of love. Without truth, any expression of love is crippled. Love cannot rejoice in sin, or iniquity, or unrighteousness. Love can only be fired up about what is true and what is right. Notice, it's not truth versus love; truth is part of the biblical definition of love. Without truth, any expression of love is crippled. Love cannot rejoice in sin, or iniquity, or unrighteousness. Love can only be fired up about what is true and what is right.

ON THE MAJORS-ACTION There come times in every relationship when the issues are serious. Failure to take action will produce big fallout. In those instances, love does not sit pa.s.sively by. "I love him, so I won't upset him." Wrong! Love takes action on things that are major. You say, "What's major?" We'll start with this: If the behavior involves sin, Paul made it clear: "[Love] does not rejoice in unrighteousness." "[Love] does not rejoice in unrighteousness." It just can't. Love cannot be happy about iniquity; it can't sit pa.s.sively by. It just can't. Love cannot be happy about iniquity; it can't sit pa.s.sively by.

You say, "Well, wait for a minute. If I'm going to have a confrontation with every single person who has sin in his life, I'm going to have a lot of confrontations going on," because Romans 3:10 says, "There is none righteous; not even one," "There is none righteous; not even one," and 1 John 1:8 reminds us, and 1 John 1:8 reminds us, "If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves." "If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves." We're all sinners, no doubt about it, and if love means to confront sin all the time and in every place, then life will become one big free-for-all. No, we don't take action on every single sin. I would recommend strongly that you not say, "Hey, Bill, I noticed you're a little lazy. I was reading in Proverbs that's a sin." That's a very bad plan. We're all sinners, no doubt about it, and if love means to confront sin all the time and in every place, then life will become one big free-for-all. No, we don't take action on every single sin. I would recommend strongly that you not say, "Hey, Bill, I noticed you're a little lazy. I was reading in Proverbs that's a sin." That's a very bad plan.

WHAT ARE THE MAJOR THINGS?.

Here are three guidelines we can use to determine what are major things where love means taking action: Is this a critical path? If failure to take action will produce major fallout, biblical love is on the move. If it's a major doctrinal error, a case of marital unfaithfulness, a criminal act, or an abusive behavior, please don't collect stories for ten years and sit pa.s.sively by. Step up! Get involved! Say something! Love takes action. If the person you love is involved in sin that could destroy him or someone else, it's a critical path-it's major-and therefore love will get involved. If failure to take action will produce major fallout, biblical love is on the move. If it's a major doctrinal error, a case of marital unfaithfulness, a criminal act, or an abusive behavior, please don't collect stories for ten years and sit pa.s.sively by. Step up! Get involved! Say something! Love takes action. If the person you love is involved in sin that could destroy him or someone else, it's a critical path-it's major-and therefore love will get involved.

Is the problem chronic? If you see the same thing happening over and over, it doesn't have to be big to get your love into gear. The Song of Solomon says it's the If you see the same thing happening over and over, it doesn't have to be big to get your love into gear. The Song of Solomon says it's the "little foxes that spoil the vines" "little foxes that spoil the vines" (2:15 NKJV). "Smaller things" call for action, too, if they're part of a chronic pattern. If you have observed a behavior repeated many times, it invites a loving response. A gentle word of correction can bear great fruit in the loved one's life. To say to someone, "Is it possible that you have a problem with gossip?" that is loving a person. So if you're close enough to observe chronic patterns, you have to get involved. You have to step up. On the majors, love takes action. (2:15 NKJV). "Smaller things" call for action, too, if they're part of a chronic pattern. If you have observed a behavior repeated many times, it invites a loving response. A gentle word of correction can bear great fruit in the loved one's life. To say to someone, "Is it possible that you have a problem with gossip?" that is loving a person. So if you're close enough to observe chronic patterns, you have to get involved. You have to step up. On the majors, love takes action.

3. Does your proximity imply responsibility? Does your proximity imply responsibility? The third guideline after critical path and chronic problem is the factor of close proximity. How close are you to the situation? There are some things that we can live with in our neighbors and our friends, but we can't live with in our spouse and our kids. Right? Your closeness to the situation may involve responsibility. For example, if I saw a friend making a purchase that I thought was unwise and wondered if he could afford it, I probably wouldn't say anything, because that's not really my business. But if I saw my wife doing that-or more likely, if my wife saw me doing that-it would be very appropriate for her to say, "We're not buying that! We can't afford that! That's just going to give us problems down the road." The third guideline after critical path and chronic problem is the factor of close proximity. How close are you to the situation? There are some things that we can live with in our neighbors and our friends, but we can't live with in our spouse and our kids. Right? Your closeness to the situation may involve responsibility. For example, if I saw a friend making a purchase that I thought was unwise and wondered if he could afford it, I probably wouldn't say anything, because that's not really my business. But if I saw my wife doing that-or more likely, if my wife saw me doing that-it would be very appropriate for her to say, "We're not buying that! We can't afford that! That's just going to give us problems down the road."

HOW LOVE LOVES IS VERY IMPORTANT LOVE LOVES IS VERY IMPORTANT.

Now we're ready to look at verse 5, because that's where the how how is. Here's is. Here's how how love takes action. love takes action.

Notice, "[Love] does not act unbecomingly." "[Love] does not act unbecomingly." It's not rude. Love is gracious. There is no place for an aggressive, boisterous, obnoxious, open-wide-while-I-jam-this-down-your-throat kind of approach. That is not true love. Love It's not rude. Love is gracious. There is no place for an aggressive, boisterous, obnoxious, open-wide-while-I-jam-this-down-your-throat kind of approach. That is not true love. Love "does not seek its own," "does not seek its own," Paul continued. That's the essence of love. In the context of this discussion, as I come to speak truth to someone-if I have to confront someone and say something that they don't want to hear-I'm not concerned about my needs. Paul continued. That's the essence of love. In the context of this discussion, as I come to speak truth to someone-if I have to confront someone and say something that they don't want to hear-I'm not concerned about my needs.

Suppose, friend, that I had to confront you about something. What would be my my needs? I would probably want to make sure that you're not going to reject me. I would want to make sure that you're not going to blow up in my face. So my tendency might be to soften and water down what I am saying, because my real bottom line is that I don't want us to have an explosion. That is not really loving you. In order to confront in love, I must forget about my needs to be loved and accepted, and make sure that what you hear is filtered only by kindness. Genuine love reminds me not to act unbecomingly. But at the same time, I'm not going to walk away having only said half of the truth. It's going to get said, because love makes sure that it all gets said. "Love does not seek its own." needs? I would probably want to make sure that you're not going to reject me. I would want to make sure that you're not going to blow up in my face. So my tendency might be to soften and water down what I am saying, because my real bottom line is that I don't want us to have an explosion. That is not really loving you. In order to confront in love, I must forget about my needs to be loved and accepted, and make sure that what you hear is filtered only by kindness. Genuine love reminds me not to act unbecomingly. But at the same time, I'm not going to walk away having only said half of the truth. It's going to get said, because love makes sure that it all gets said. "Love does not seek its own."

What happens when we love this way?

When you love someone this way, be prepared, because the person may not appreciate you at first. She may respond angrily. And my response, if it's with love-will not be provoked. So, after I have graciously spoken the whole truth, if you fly off the handle and say, "Who are you to tell me this? What about your your life!?" I'm not going to get into that with you. I will go to my knees and get my heart to a good place, so that no matter how angry you get, I'm not going to be provoked. life!?" I'm not going to get into that with you. I will go to my knees and get my heart to a good place, so that no matter how angry you get, I'm not going to be provoked.

Paul's list is tracking how genuine love gets treated sometimes. So he adds, love "does not take into account a wrong suffered." "does not take into account a wrong suffered." As I go to speak truth to a person-before I go to take action-I must remember that I may have been injured by the person's sin. The text indicates I'm not going to unload on the person because he has hurt me. I will deal with all that before I ever get to the person; I will really exercise forgiveness. Wives who have something difficult to tell to their husbands need to get it said, but first they must get their hearts to a good place so that as they confront, they're not just venting a wrong suffered. That won't produce anything good, and certainly not biblical love. As I go to speak truth to a person-before I go to take action-I must remember that I may have been injured by the person's sin. The text indicates I'm not going to unload on the person because he has hurt me. I will deal with all that before I ever get to the person; I will really exercise forgiveness. Wives who have something difficult to tell to their husbands need to get it said, but first they must get their hearts to a good place so that as they confront, they're not just venting a wrong suffered. That won't produce anything good, and certainly not biblical love.

Get those hurt feelings dealt with in prayer and good counsel from a trusted friend. Get your own pain behind you, so that you're really coming only for the good of the person that you're going to. That's love in action. And it's powerful. If you would become that person, G.o.d could use your life greatly, because there are precious few people in this world who really love people enough to take compa.s.sionate action.

How much of this should I expect to do?

You might think as you read the above that there are a lot of those confrontations in life. Not so. If you were to list a hundred things that could possiy require confronting your boss, your spouse, or your neighbor, maybe three things on that list could fit the category we just called major. The other ninety-seven things come under category two: They are minors. They only irritate you and me because of our own sinfulness and our own pride. We are so p.r.o.ne to take minor molehills and make them into major mountains, and it's in that soil that a critical spirit can flourish and grow.

ABOUT THE MINOR ISSUES.

Here's the major principle for dealing with minor issues: On the minors-acceptance On the minors-acceptance. By minors we mean personal preference, personality differences, even sin issues that are not critical or chronic. It's essential that followers of Christ be the most accepting, nonprejudiced, nonfaultfinding, noncritical people on the face of the earth. Again, 97 percent of life's issues are minor: little irritations; the differences between me and you; and she-thinks-like-this-but-I-don't-see-it-thatway, and he's-a-little-different-kind-of-a-person-than-me, and no-way-did-he-handle-that-totally-properly. Each of these is not an issue of right and wrong. We are different people, and we handle things differently. Most of the things that are breaking down marriages, that are breaking down friendships, and that are causing you problems with the person that you work for are not major-they're minor things! In those contexts, love learns to accept the person with his failures. Love doesn't deny the irritation; it simply recognizes that the one I love is far more important than my own desire to live an irritant-free life. On the majors-action. But on the minors-most things-acceptance.

SPOTTING THE MINORS.

By minors, we mean matters of personal preference. "Well, I would do it this this way"; "Well, I really prefer this." We need to spot the minors and leave them alone. Here are some minors that masquerade as majors: way"; "Well, I really prefer this." We need to spot the minors and leave them alone. Here are some minors that masquerade as majors: -- Musical taste. Musical taste. Churches all over the country are splitting over musical preference. "I don't like drums." "Hymns are too old-fashioned." Get a grip! It's just personal preference! It's a minor thing; it's not a major thing. Churches all over the country are splitting over musical preference. "I don't like drums." "Hymns are too old-fashioned." Get a grip! It's just personal preference! It's a minor thing; it's not a major thing.