Loose Ends Part 19

Much of the funeral was a blur as I sat next to Sharon, picking up pieces of the preacher's eulogy. I didn't see faces, only images of color: flashes of black, shades of gray, specks of blue. I was pretty drugged up, compliments of Dr. Barnett. Surprisingly, I didn't even cry; I was all cried out. I didn't have a single tear left. A numbness had descended upon me. Oddly enough, I felt at peace.

The grave site was even more of a blur. Everything was surreal. The preacher was saying something about everything happening for a reason. "It was in G.o.d's plan"? I didn't want to hear that. Yet I desperately needed an explanation or a reason why this tragedy had happened. My mind wandered to Brice, the alive, vibrant Brice. Even in death, Brice got the last word.

I discovered that Christian, Kree and myself had received e-mails from him. He had e-mailed us before his tragic accident. I will always cherish mine; it started my cleansing process. Brice freed me. It was his final gift to me. It read:

Mia.

I'm truly sorry for all the pain I've caused in your life. I hope that you'll remember the good times, too. There were many. Believe it or not, I loved you with everything I had. I know I had a hard way of showing it, but I did. Sometimes, unfortunately, we learn at our fathers' feet.

I think I loved you the first day I saw you; you were so beautiful and still are. Every man, if he's lucky, finds a woman who owns his heart, who gives him meaning in life. You were mine, Mia. With no hesitation, I willingly gave you my heart. You were my piece of the puzzle that fit. Know that.

I will always love you, Mia. I'll go to my grave loving you. Now, that's love. Your face will be the last one I see in my mind, and I'll know I'm in heaven. Yeah, even in death, I'll be loving you.

A lot of times when you love someone, you have to set them free, so I'm setting you free. Find happiness, Mia. Find Christian. I wish you nothing but love, true happiness and, most of all, peace.

Forever yours,

Brice.

Christian.

Christian,

This is truly hard for me. I was never any good at expressing my feelings like this. At this point, I know that you really couldn't give a d.a.m.n. Man, I've made so many mistakes in my lifetime, so many. Too many to even count on two hands.

I'm asking your forgiveness. Believe it or not, I didn't plan for this to happen. It just did. I know that is lame, but it's true. Please don't blame Mia; I shoulder all the responsibility. I honestly didn't move back home to wreck two households and a lifelong friendship. That wasn't in my plans-my grand scheme of things.

I've always loved you like a brother. I think you are the only male I've ever loved besides my father, and most of the time, as you know, that was a love-hate relationship. They didn't call us the "Two Musketeers" in school for nothing. I know I stepped way over the line, and, now there's no going back for us. I'll regret that until the day I die.

I understand if you can't find it in your heart to forgive me. Really I do. But please forgive Mia. She loves you so much, and if it's any consolation, she didn't want to hurt you. Neither did I. Things just quickly got out of hand; we had too many ties that bind. Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime.

You're a good man, partner. Decent. I know your moms is looking down, proud of the man you've become. You've brought much joy to my life. Find your way back to Mia and have a happy, prosperous life. Peace.

One love,

Brice.

That was the e-mail Brice had sent me. My last connection with him. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I still couldn't believe my man was gone. After all that had gone down, I never wished him dead. If I'm honest with myself, I never stopped loving him through it all.

It was hard, real hard, seeing him in that cold steel casket. Flowers were everywhere. The somber organ and piano music was playing. The realization that I would never have the opportunity to speak with him again, in anger or in joy, hurt me to the core. It still hasn't fully sunk in. Life isn't fair. That's the one true lesson I've learned.

I have all this pent up anger and these emotions and I can never tell him my feelings to his face.

The police report listed his death as an accident. Just a tragic, senseless accident. I don't know. I don't think Brice was distraught enough to take his own life. He was much stronger than that. But I've gone by the accident site myself several times, and there aren't any skid marks. Supposedly, Brice lost control of his vehicle, hit the guardrail, and went over the embankment. Instant death. End of story.

Unfortunately, it's not the end of the story. Vivica took it hard; her agonizing cries chilled me to the bone at his funeral. So much pain. They say it's hard for a mother to bury her child. The mother feels that she should go first. Brice's pops didn't really know what was going on, since his illness has taken a turn for the worse. I feel Brice and his father were at peace with each other.

Mia. I don't know where her head or heart is right now. Only time will tell. She has a supportive network of females. So she'll be okay.

To everyone's surprise, Kree has been getting on with her life. I know she loved Brice, but she's holding up. She's a strong lady, a pillar of strength. After meeting her moms, I see where she gets it. It just took longer for it to kick in. I guess it takes certain situations for us to realize how resilient we are. Life is funny like that.

Kree.

The love of my life is gone forever. Forever. I still can't believe it. Even though we were separated, I knew he was across town. I could still pick up the phone and call him or drop by his office. I never did any of those things after our separation, but I knew I could if I wanted to. The last time we talked, we were civil. However, we both knew our marriage was over.

The funeral was nice, as far as funerals go. As I sat in the front pew, dressed in black, with Moms by my side, I realized Brice had a lot of people who cared about and respected him. People had flown in from all over the country, and one man had come from overseas. There wasn't an empty seat.

I glanced at the many faces that crossed my path that day, realizing that no one could feel the loss worse than myself, Christian or Miss Mia. Christian was giving the appearance of being strong, but I knew different. Regardless of what had happened, Brice was like a brother to him and vice versa. Mia was hanging on by the skin of her teeth. She had lost so much weight; she looked like a lost child. I couldn't even hate her anymore. She loved him as much as I did. It's not often that a man finds two women who would give up everything for him. We both paid the price.

As for me, I'm discovering myself. I'm stronger than I thought; I'm a survivor. When Brice had the affair, I thought my life was over. Then I realized I had other options. My life could be over or I could get up, hold my head high, and go on living. I could win or lose. I chose to win. And live.

It's been four weeks since the homegoing service. I reread the letter he had e-mailed to me. I will always treasure it and hold it dear to my heart. I've read it so many times that the edges are frayed.

My Dearest Kree,

Don't hate me, baby girl; I don't think I could live with that. I know I hurt you deeply, but I never meant for that to happen. Please believe me. You deserved so much more from me. You came into my life and gave me a second chance at love. Many people never get the first chance at love. But you-you literally unthawed my heart. I saw you that night in the club and I knew . . . you were the one I could love.

I know you always thought you played second fiddle to my first marriage. But believe me, I always loved you for you. My perfect little wife who loved me with everything she had to give. Always in my corner supporting, encouraging, and taking care of me with a smile. I loved you, Kree, and always will. That will never change. Our love was a different love from the one I shared with Mia, but it wasn't any less.

I didn't mean to hurt you, baby, and make you cry. Please forgive me. Please. Don't worry; I won't bother you anymore. You're still young. Find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved, and appreciate your many talents and beauty. You will forever be in my heart.

Love always,

Brice.

Fresh tears escaped my eyes and I quickly wiped them away with the back of my hand. I clutched the letter in my left hand as I gently caressed my stomach and the life growing inside of me. Brice's baby. I fell asleep, thinking of how things could have been so different. We could have been so happy. So very happy.

Epilogue.

Kree.

One year later.

I guess I need to tie up a few loose ends. I wish I could say that everyone lived happily ever after, but we all know that only happens in fairy tales. Real life is never so convenient, neat or simple.

Let's see. Where do I begin? Mia and Christian. Almost a year after Brice's death, they found their way back to each other. It was a slow, gradual process, but their love is real and true; it was only a matter of time. True love can't be separated. Mia is a mature, wiser woman, and their marriage is stronger than ever. Solid. Whenever I see them, they are all smiles. They're truly happy and will be fine. Just fine. In their case, love did conquer all.

Amazingly, we are all friends now. This didn't happen overnight; it was a slow process as well. A lot of people would say I'm crazy to be friends with a woman who had an affair with my husband. But my connection to Mia runs so much deeper . . . So they can say whatever they please. I've forgiven Mia. Most important, Mia has forgiven herself. Yes, we are a weird li'l extended family, with our share of secrets, misdeeds and ties.

My brother, Miles, and his wife relocated to Atlanta to help me run the security business. So, yes, Security Unlimited, Inc., is up and running. In fact, we just got two new contracts. Business couldn't be better. We are making Brice's dream a reality.

Christian was also brought in as a partner, and he and Miles are quickly becoming great friends. Christian is an amazing man. I respect and admire him so much. Maybe when I'm ready to enter the dating arena (in another hundred years), I'll be lucky enough to meet someone like him. What else? As for me, I'm still teaching dance to six- to twelve-year olds at Spelman's in my spare time, and loving it.

Last, but certainly not least, my biggest and greatest news is that Brice Christian Matthew II was born healthy and happy, weighing eight pounds, and twenty-two inches long. He looks just like his father, and I already love him with all my being. When he's older, I'm going to tell him all about Brice-the good, the bad and the ugly. He'll know about his father and won't make the same mistakes Brice did. My son is my savior and keeps me sane.

As strange as it may sound, sometimes I feel Brice looking down upon us, smiling. And I smile back. I feel myself slowly healing and I rejoice in it.

Moms has been in town playing the doting grandmother. Brice Junior, or B.J. as we call him, can't even cry without her picking him up, spoiling him already. Oddly enough, she and Mia's mom have been hanging tight. Moms doesn't know all the details of what truly happened. Mia's mom does! That's for the best. She likes Atlanta so much that she's thinking about moving here. Watch out, Hotlanta!

I take B.J. over to Vivica's at least once a week. He puts a big smile on her face. We lost Brice's dad in the spring. He fought a good fight, but in the end he pa.s.sed away quietly in his sleep in his own bed. Christian helps out over there as much as he can. Vivica insists on inviting us to dinner almost every Sunday-our entire extended family.

Life is moving on. That's the beauty of life. It's a continuous cycle of death and birth, never ending. I still have my good and bad days, but my heart will go on. I think of Brice often. I loved him, I can't deny it, and I know he loved me in his own way. But I'm letting go of the past. I learned my lesson from Mia. The past has no place in the present if you want to move forward into the future. I think we have all grown in ways we would have never imagined. As Mother would say, "Child, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

Electa Rome Parks currently lives outside Atlanta, Georgia, with her husband, Nelson, and their two children. With a BA degree in marketing, she is presently working on her next novel and fulfilling her pa.s.sion as a writer.

A CONVERSATION WITH ELECTA ROME PARKS.

Q.What can you tell your readers about Electa Rome Parks?

A. Umm, that's a hard question. It's not easy to define or describe oneself in a condensed version, but I'll try. I was born and raised in Georgia. So, yes, I'm a true Georgia peach even though I lived in Chicago and North Carolina for many years. Basically, I'm just your average, down-to-earth, wife and mother of two who has a great pa.s.sion for writing and reading. Honestly, I don't think I could live without books and the written word. I've found that a pen to paper is a powerful tool!

Let's see, what else can I divulge about myself and keep you interested (smile)? Believe it or not, I'm actually kinda quiet and laid-back. I can be moody and oversensitive (Pisces trait). So . . . be careful what you say about Loose Ends because I'm sensitive about my stuff (LOL).

I have a very vivid imagination that is evident in my books, and I believe in a lot of theories that most people would think bizarre. Let's just say I absolutely love X-Files and the entire concept of spirits, guardian angels and karma. I once had a palm reader tell me I was a writer in another life and that's why writing validates and elevates me to be in complete sync with my spirit. I thought that was so deep and so unbelievably true.

Bottom line, anyone who truly knows me will state that I'm real. I'm very approachable and have a genuinely caring nature (another Pisces trait). I have my "few" imperfections and struggles just like the next person. However, I believe in order to really get in touch with our true spirit, we need to discover our gifts. I feel that we are all born into the world with a special gift, and I've found mine. That brings me great joy!

What else? I pretty much suck at any sport, my favorite color is purple, I've never weighed more than 112 pounds my entire life, my all-time favorite movie is a toss between Soul Food and The Best Man and I have tons of stories to share with my readers.

Q.Who has been your writing inspiration?

A. I have a great love and admiration for contemporary writers such as Terry McMillan, Eric Jerome d.i.c.key, Bebe Moore Campbell, E. Lynn Harris, Kimberla Lawson Roby, etc., to name a few. For me, reading and writing go hand in hand. I read for entertainment, to relax and unwind, to take a minivacation for 250 pages or so. Through reading I travel to new places and meet new and interesting people without ever leaving the comfort of my home. Amazing. So I tend to write that way. I like for my readers to feel I'm letting them in on some juicy gossip and that my characters are talking directly to them. I'm a very emotional person and my characters tend to be.