Living to Suffer Chapter 16

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XVI

To be frank, this time Shen Liangsheng did not put his entire a.r.s.enal to work in the battle between Buddha and Mara. It was not because his mind was lingering on his romantic whims but because the monk had openly announced Shaolin’s possession of the pages – this was instead more suspicious.

After a moment of contemplation, he decided against waging full-out war, and the three retreated with no casualty. Afterwards, Shen Liangsheng first wrote to the three travelling t’angchu asking them to be even more alert for any information in the chianghu, and then he wrote to Miao Jan, retelling what had happened and requesting any available information.

The messenger falcon came and went. Miao Jan seemed certain that it was a trap and wrote, “Those bald mules probably just want to stall us for the next two fortnights, and as long as the celestial date pa.s.ses, it means victory for them. Should worse come to worst, we can gather the sect and mow down that crummy shrine.”

Tucking Miao Jan’s letter away, Shen Liangsheng opened another secret message and frowned upon reading its contents. He ordered the two elders to keep a tight watch on this place before heading off to K’aifeng himself.

Although Ch’in Ching had left Shaolin, he never went far. He buried himself in the largest gambling house in K’aifeng, losing and winning, winning and losing. When he grew tired, he went back to the inn to rest and dove right back into the gambling house when he awoke, completely losing track of day and night.

“Letting go” was certainly weighty. Ch’in Ching saw the benevolence in that abbot’s eyes but was secretly carrying on a conversation in his head:

“You must know, Tashi, that shifu of mine actually doesn’t have much going for him. His martial arts are perhaps a little better than mine, but his medicine and formation are not. Yet he takes it upon himself to berate me. I drink, and he’s there. I roll the dice, and he’s there. He wouldn’t even let me have a dog when I was a kid. It doesn’t get any worse than him.

“But that old geezer is about to die.

“I can’t let go, nor do I want to.

“This disciple was never destined to comprehend the benevolence of Buddha in this lifetime.”

Ever since he received the final letter from his shifu, Ch’in Ching was unable to sit pa.s.sively by.

He was impelled to do something, anything, no matter how rash, in order to affirm life.

He went to Shaolin and placed a death trap. The hatred within lessened a little, but the anxiety did not abate at all. So he turned to the dice and maintained a decent level of alcohol in his blood stream at all times, planning to spend the rest of his days in this careless way.

One night, Ch’in Ching finally teetered back to the inn at the Hour of the Rat. He fell asleep the moment he fell into the bed but was woken up in the wee hours by his bladder. He opened his eyes only to see a white figure standing by his bed. Horrified, he thought he was really visited by a ghost.

“Oh… it’s just you, Shen-hufa,” he remarked flatly. “I thought you had no time for me.” He eventually recognized the visitor after gathering his composure. He frowned due to the hangover headache, but surprisingly he felt no grudge or sorrow, no hatred or fury. He even had the leisure to muse, Well, well, this time the white wuch’ang has really come for me.

Shen Liangsheng did not react verbally or facially but was quite surprised. Had the man actually forgotten what he had done not so long ago? Moreover, this standoffish att.i.tude was rather rare for him, too.

In reality, Ch’in Ching thought the Hsing Sect had already gotten a hold of the pages for which his shifu had paid with his life. However, Shen Liangsheng had come looking for him the moment he read the message from spies reporting that Ch’in Ching was “still in K’aifeng Inn” and had received no news from the sect.

Shen Liangsheng didn’t speak, and Ch’in Ching remained quiet. After a period of dead silence, Ch’in Ching finally came around and tried to recover from his slightly distant tone earlier. He sat down at the round table in the room and began rubbing his forehead while testing the waters. “You must excuse my bed temper…”

“I’m afraid if I were to excuse you, it wouldn’t be about this issue,” Shen Liangsheng remarked flatly. “I will give you one chance to explain yourself, Ch’in-taifu.”

Ch’in Ching’s mouth opened, but nothing came out. He had planned for a reunion where the truth, that he was the vessel, had been uncovered rendering his life more than precious. In that case, the man would have not been able to make him pay for the formation at Shaolin. However, he had never considered what to do in a situation like this.

The man did not know yet, and he himself could not reveal it. Indeed, he had to die sooner or later, but he could not for the love of all things die now. This man, the veritable reincarnation of Mara, was likely still angry about all this, so he had to figure out how he was supposed to resolve that anger and not get a sword through the heart.

“My shifu ranges far and wide, and someone asked for a favour. He was too busy to do it himself, so he put my name forth for a formation. What could I do…” Ch’in Ching squeezed an excuse out. “Every time my heartache came, I’d be practically half dead. My shifu was afraid that I would die, so he took me to Shaolin and even made a realized monk take me as a layman disciple. So I had to return this favour…” By the end of it, even Ch’in Ching felt the strength of his words depleting, so he abandoned that tactic and instead rose and clung to Shen Liangsheng by the waist, crooning against his chest, “Shen-hufa, Shen-hufa, I know I was wrong. Don’t be upset at me, all right?”

Shen Liangsheng still had not spoken, but seeing that the man did not push him away, Ch’in Ching continued his shameless embrace.

It was a familiar one. He could feel through the man’s clothes a temperature that faintly caressed him. An aroma of incense hovered in the air about his nostrils, one that he had smelled many times before.

As he continued to hug him, Ch’in Ching found the anxiety that had loomed over him all these days ebbing, replaced by an indescribable longing mixed with an even more inexplicable sense of absurdity.

He was supposed to hate, and once he had done just that. But his hatred for the Hsing Sect would slide away furtively whenever it came to Shen Liangsheng. In the end, it was this man who made him feel warm in his embrace, like sleeping soundly beside a furnace in the dead of winter when plums blossom.

“So, Shen Liangsheng, this is how it feels to hold you.”

“…”

“It’s been so long. I’d almost forgotten.”

“It’s only been a month or so.”

Shen Liangsheng finally spoke, and naturally it was in that cool tone of his. His hands, however, crept around Ch’in Ching’s waist and eased the man a little closer to him. His words were of no importance, and it no longer sounded as if he had come to demand a confession but rather like he had come to catch up and share words of comfort and longing,

“Could I hold you for a bit longer?” Ch’in Ching breathed, his nose nuzzling the man’s chin. “Only like this do I really feel how much I’ve missed you.”

“I also feel how much you’ve missed me after reading the intentions to trap and kill in that formation.”

“I didn’t know it would be you.” Although Shen Liangsheng returned to the topic, Ch’in Ching was unafraid now that he was sure that the man would do nothing to him. “Besides, I know very well your capabilities. Even if it could trap a G.o.d, it couldn’t trap you.”

“What capabilities?” Shen Liangsheng dipped down and planted a kiss on his nose. “What do you know other than my capabilities in bed?”

“Those are the only ones I care about.” There was one thing Ch’in Ching could always do, and that was beat the other person in vulgarity. After the joke, he added, “But I really do miss you.”

“I thought you could only feel it while hugging me?”

“No, I do all the time,” Ch’in Ching continued his jest. “Especially when I…”

“Especially when you what?”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t know.”

“Why would I know?”

“Especially when I lie in bed at night…” he whispered in the man’s ear. “The front…and the back, both miss you like crazy.”

After getting tangled in verbal sparring with the doctor, Shen Liangsheng had to admit he had no way to deal with this slippery little fish that just would not stay on the chopping board.

“Ch’in Ching, I’ll let this one slide, but if you ever…”

“I promise it will never happen again.” Ch’in Ching quickly took the opportunity handed to him and put on a solemn expression.

Shen Liangsheng glanced at him and said, “Well, aren’t you something?”

“Huh?” Ch’in Ching was lost.

“I haven’t done anything yet.” Shen Liangsheng let go of his waist and patted him on the face with one hand and slid down to his groin with the other. “So what’s this here?”

Having awakened in the middle of the night, Ch’in Ching was wearing only his underclothes, and his slightly hard member had nowhere to hide. It wasn’t because looking at Shen Liangsheng’s face turned him on but because he had been holding it in for quite some time now.

He had been focused on calming the man’s wrath, and now that the wrath was gone, his biological urge was back. He brushed away the man’s hands and p.r.o.nounced rashly, “I do want to do it, but please excuse me while I visit the toilet.”

“You can go after.” Shen Liangsheng went straight for his underpants and pushed them down to the knees. While stroking the man, he moistened his other fingers in the pot of cold tea and inserted them into Ch’in Ching. After a quick spread, he took out his own rock-hard erection and slowly guided it in.

The truth behind that one time he forced his way in was that he had also forced his own erection by directing his ch’i to his manhood, all because of some discontent. This time, however, his member had swelled up rapidly as he jerked the man off and poked his fingers in a little, so rapidly that Shen Liangsheng could not help but ridicule himself in silence. Well, aren’t you also something?

And it wasn’t directed only at this affair. It was more at that time in the formation. A bystander would have seen zero hesitation as the blade shattered the mirage, but Shen Liangsheng himself knew very well that even though it was a false image, his strike had faltered, if just for a fraction of a moment.

It turned out he had already fallen in this deeply.

“Uhn…” Ch’in Ching grunted at the dull pain from behind but even more at the discomfort in his groin. He was truly in need of a toilet but also in need of release. This was a feeling he could not begin to describe.

It was the first time they had done it standing upright. Ch’in Ching’s legs were not spread very widely, and Shen Liangsheng could derive some pleasure in this position simply from being held so tightly by the ca.n.a.l.

After giving the doctor some time to acclimate, Shen Liangsheng began with a slow pace that was not too forceful. Ch’in Ching could still stand on his feet, but his erection was suffering more and more.

The hufa’s left hand had never let go of his pained member, and he treated it unlike ever before, kneading and pulling rather roughly. Ch’in Ching was torn between pain and pleasure, and he somehow came to recognize the unspeakable bliss of holding it in even though the discomfort was strong. His member seemed overly eager to release itself because of the impending gush of urine, and the tiny slit was bombarded with the feeling he would usually get right before an o.r.g.a.s.m – itchy and hot. Moans escaped his mouth before he realized their location and forced them down.

The lodging was only an average inn. The room was not very large, and the walls were flimsy, too. At this peaceful hour, any more loud sounds would likely raise the neighbours’ awareness, dissuading Ch’in Ching from anything indecent.

And Shen Liangsheng knew his concerns. He suddenly changed his thrusting, only inserting a good half of his manhood so that the head struck right against that sensitive nub, gently rubbing, kneading and poking. Ch’in Ching went weak and would have collapsed had it not been for the hufa’s right arm around his waist. He didn’t want to make any noises, so he bit down on his lip, trapping the cries and transforming them into m.u.f.fled, pitiful moans.

“Hearing you like this really makes me want to hurt you,” Shen Liangsheng leisurely remarked before resuming his full thrust. He didn’t let that nub go unscathed and made sure to sc.r.a.pe against it every time he entered. His hand sped up as well, and after a few dozen strokes, he felt the man shudder, and two white globs visibly shot out far into the dark room. The member did not fall limp, however, and more thick c.u.m gushed out from the small slit and dribbled down the length, wetting Shen Liangsheng’s hand.

“Look at all this. You mustn’t be satisfied with one climax.” Indeed, the hufa was not going to let him off the hook easily. Without giving the man time to rest, he began stroking the erection at full speed again while his hips rocked even more intensely, knocking Ch’in Ching off balance. The doctor fell forward and had to catch himself on the table. His m.u.f.fled sobs heightened, sounding even more enticing than un.o.bstructed cries.

A hundred or so thrusts later, Shen Liangsheng noticed his arms propped on the table and so let go of his waist. His left hand remained on his manhood, stroking, while his right slid to his abdomen where he found a slight b.u.mp where it should have been flat, due to a full bladder. He pressed on it lightly.

“No…” Ch’in Ching felt a pang, but his member felt a hint of pleasure. It jerked a few times, evidently reaching release.

Shen Liangsheng c.o.c.ked a brow and asked in his ear, “So soon?” But his hand continued to stroke the member with the sticky fluid, scratching the slit from time to time and preventing it from becoming soft even though it had already come twice. It could only stay standing, trembling, and allow the hufa do as he pleased.

Ch’in Ching really thought he was dying. Pleasure never stopped welling up from the two spots below, and what was more, the man’s hand never left his abdomen. It gently caressed at times and pressed down harshly at others. Warning signals shot up to his brain along with streams of ecstasy, and he felt the back of his head throbbing with the need to climax and to relieve his bladder at the same time. In the end, he lost all recognition and comprehension as he came again and again. Traces of blood seeped from his bottom lip, but he didn’t feel anything.

Then after another stick of incense’s time, Shen Liangsheng decided the doctor had reached his limits, since the member would not get hard no matter how he played with it, a soft lump lying pitifully in his hand. The man’s legs were a white, sticky mess.

“I…I really can’t…no more… Just hurry up, please I’m begging…” Ch’in Ching took advantage of the slight pause to squeeze out his plea, but no sooner had he finished than the thrust resumed. The hand on his tummy worked more roughly than before, too. He no longer had it in him to care about the neighbours, and he pleaded in a husky, cracked voice.

“No…don’t…begging you…

“I can’t…really can’t hold it…I’m begging you, stop…

“Shen…I’m begging you…don’t press…”

In the end, Ch’in Ching came to understand that Shen Liangsheng was not going to let him off this time. The man would not be resting until he had stomped on every last shred of  his dignity. So all he could do was to turn his head around and make his final plea. “I…I can’t hold it anymore…Please, get the chamber pot underneath the bed…”

Hearing this, however, Shen Liangsheng pulled him up from the table by his hair and sitting down on a chair, sat the doctor on his lap without breaking their connection throughout. This series of movements sent a great deal of pleasure to the head of his member, and he felt his own o.r.g.a.s.m approaching.

“Just do it like this.” Shen Liangsheng began thrusting as he spread the man’s legs apart. Holding his limp member in hand, he whispered in his ear, “Let me watch you.”

Moonlight shone in through the intricate wooden window frame onto the ground beside the table. Ch’in Ching’s legs dangled in the light, and he could see everything that was happening to him. He couldn’t imagine the shame of peeing right in front of the man, but the urge was coming at him like crashing waves and his abdomen felt stretched to its limit. Still, the man’s hand kept rubbing and pressing, so his eyes grew red and sobs broke free. “I really can’t hold it in… Can you just not look…”

But Shen Liangsheng paid no heed. It wasn’t the first time this man had cried in bed, so he only reminded as he rocked against him harshly, “You don’t have to hold it in.”

“Mmnn…mmn…” The stimulation inside him was so mind-blowing that he moaned through his sobs even though he definitely could not come again. A few drops of something hot leaked out of his slit, but because he absolutely refused to lose control of his own bladder before this man, he stopped the rest from escaping. Unfortunately, his member was still in the hufa’s hand which gave a few good tugs, destroying his previous efforts. Screaming, Ch’in Ching was unable to resist and at last lost total control. A hot stream sprang forth and tinkled onto the floor, an o.r.g.a.s.m just as much as a loss of a bodily function. His opening shuddered and jerked, and along with the crude scene that Shen Liangsheng somehow found sensual, the hufa reached his climax while buried deeply in the man.

“Still crying?”

Seeing that the man was still trembling though without sound, Shen Liangsheng realized the crying had not ceased and slid out from the man’s body. He then turned him around to hold him in his arms and planted soft kisses on his eyes. “Don’t cry now.”

“All right.” Ch’in Ching nodded, but the tears just kept trickling out by themselves. There was no more sobbing, only an endless flow that simply continued in silence.

“It’s not a big deal or anything,” Shen Liangsheng said light-heartedly and apologetically, thinking that he must have bullied him a little too much this time. “I won’t do this again, all right? If you keep crying, I will think I really married a girl.”

“All right.” Ch’in Ching nodded once again, but the tears still did not stop. He seemed to have been taken aback by his own action. His empty gaze skipped over Shen Liangsheng’s shoulders, and his body was stiff like a clay statue.

“…” Shen Liangsheng stayed quiet for a while and then pulled him up to his chest and brushed his hair. “All right, what’s the problem here?”

“…I don’t know.”

Leaning against the man’s chest, Ch’in Ching questioned himself. He didn’t know what was going on, either.

It was as though the unshed tears of the night in which he had sat in silence until dawn finally came tumbling out and would not be tamed.

But why was it that he could only cry while in this man’s embrace?

He really didn’t know

“Ch’in Ching…” Eventually, when Shen Liangsheng felt his entire shoulder wet with the doctor’s tears, he pushed the man away slightly and gazed into his eyes. “You crying like this, is it because you think…”

“Huh?” Man wasn’t completely made of water, so gradually the waterworks ebbed on its own. Hearing the hufa’s voice trail off in silence, Ch’in Ching composed himself in antic.i.p.ation.

“Is it because you think I…”

“You what?” It was the first time that Ch’in Ching had ever seen this man be so irresolute. His curiosity was piqued when one sentence seemed to take the man hours to formulate.

“Do you still remember what you asked me that time?” Shen Liangsheng instead changed the focus and asked a question.

“Which time?”

“When we talked about Broken Zither Hills.”

“Uh-huh…” Ch’in Ching replied aloud while guessing the implications, but he was not certain what the man would actually say.

“From now on, be obedient, and don’t cause any trouble.”

“All right,” he agreed half-heartedly while inwardly musing on the fact that Shen-hufa was wasting his time warning a man who had no “from now on” to speak of.

“I…” Shen Liangsheng faltered, unable to get “I love you” out of that mouth of his, but he knew he had to say something seeing how upset the doctor was. In the end, he took his hand and interlocked their digits and twisted his words around. “If you’ll do that, then I will care for you from now on.”

The utterance made Ch’in Ching freeze. This was too absurd.

“Shen Liangsheng…”

And perhaps a bit dismal, as well.

“I love you, Shen Liangsheng.”

He felt no grat.i.tude of revenge but nevertheless earnestly locked eyes with the man and enunciated each syllable.

“So forget not your words today.”

After the night is over, when the water lowers and the rocks appear, I pray that you will recall your every word today.

And I pray you will remember forever what you feel in that moment.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

ayszhang: Uh-oh o.o the end is nigh...

(//___)

Seventeen

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