Life and Conduct Part 6

Good manners may be summed up in the one word, Gentleman.--That term implies all that good-manners ought to be. The original derivation of the word is from the Latin _gentilis_, belonging to a tribe or _gens_; and in its first signification it applies to those of n.o.ble descent or family; but it has come to mean something far wider, and something which every man, however humble, may be--a man of high courtesy and refinement, to whom dishonor is hateful. "What is it," says Thackeray, "to be a gentleman? It is to be honest, to be gentle, to be generous, to be brave, to be wise, and, possessing all these qualities, to exercise them in the most graceful outward manner." It was said of our Lord by one of the early English poets, that he was

The first true gentleman that ever breathed.

To be a gentleman in all circ.u.mstances is the highest idea we can form of good manners. It is what, in our intercourse with others, we should strive to be--to have "high thoughts," as Sir Philip Sidney expresses it, "seated in a heart of courtesy." In Bishop Patteson's life is given the estimate of him, as a true gentleman, by a New Zealand native: "Gentleman-gentleman thought nothing that ought to be done too mean for him. Pig-gentleman never worked." The savage knew by instinct that the good Bishop who came to live among them that he might teach them to be better, who treated them with invariable courtesy and consideration, was a true gentleman, though he had to clean his own hut, to cook his own food, and to mend his own kettles. And he knew also that the man who made others work for him without doing them any good in return, who swore at them and abused them, was only a pig-gentleman, however rich or high in station he might be.

A few advices on the subject of this chapter may be given.

1. _Cultivate a pleasing manner_.--Any one can be civil and polite if he sets himself to be so. Some suppose that it is unworthy of a robust character to be gentle in demeanor, that it indicates a certain amount of effeminacy, and that strength and gruffness go together. We hear men spoken of sometimes approvingly as "rough diamonds." But history tells us that the n.o.blest and strongest have been the most tender and courteous. King Robert the Bruce was "brave as a lion, tender-hearted as a woman." "Sir Walter Raleigh was every inch a man, a brave soldier, a brilliant courtier, and yet a mirror of courtesy. n.o.body would accuse Sir Philip Sidney of having been deficient in manliness, yet his fine manners were proverbial. It is the courtesy of Bayard, the knight, _sans peur et sans reproche_, which has immortalized him quite as much as his valor." [2] It is not beneath us to study good manners. To a great extent they come naturally from refinement of disposition and inborn delicacy of feeling. But they may also, to a great extent, be learned and acquired. "Watch," it has wisely been said, "those of excellent reputation in manners. Catch the temper of the great masters of literature--the n.o.bility of Scott, the sincerity of Thackeray, the heartiness of d.i.c.kens, the tenderness of Macdonald, the delicacy of Tennyson, the grace of Longfellow, the repose of Shakespeare." It is well worth while for every young man beginning life to form a true idea of what good manners are, and to make it his constant effort to acquire them.

2. _Avoid eccentricity_.--Eccentricity is the deliberate endeavor to make ourselves different from those around us. (_a_) Some show it in their dress by wearing garments often of outrageous shape and hue.

(_b_) Some show it in their speech by striving to say things that they think especially smart. (_c_) Some show it in their actions by striking forced att.i.tudes, and putting themselves in grotesque positions. It all springs from love of notoriety and desire to be thought different from their neighbors. It is the mark, as a rule, of fops and fools, and an indication of weakness of character. It is fundamentally inconsistent with good manners. Johnson was called _ursa major_, or big bear, from the gruffness of his manner. This was probably natural to him, but many affect a similar manner from a desire to be eccentric. The "big bears" of society are odious. Johnson's own words are applicable to such: "A man has no more right to say an uncivil thing than to act one--no more right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down." Those also who are ever trying to say things which they think smart, but which are often impudent, and meant to give annoyance, ought to receive no countenance. "Sir," said one such person in his Irish brogue to Dean Swift, "I _sit_ (set) up for being a wit." "Then, sir," said the Dean, "I advise you to sit down."

Similar people should be treated in the same way.

3. _Try to conquer shyness_.--This is const.i.tutional with some, but even when this is the case it can be overcome by taking pains. The shy man is often awkward in manner; and, what is worse, he often gives the impression to others of being rude, when he has no intention to be so.

There are those who, in their own family and among their own friends, are known to be warm-hearted, kind and gentle, but who, from this defect of which we speak, have a reputation far from enviable. Any young man who is afflicted with it should set himself resolutely to get the better of it.

4. _We should be especially courteous to those below us in station_.--To servants in our house, to those in our employ, to the poor, we should be marked in our civility. "It is the very essence of gentlemanhood that one is polite to the weak, the poor, the friendless, the humble, the miserable, the degraded." The conduct of our Lord to such is ever worthy of our imitation. Indeed, as it has been well remarked, the character of men and women is perhaps better known "by the treatment of those below them than by anything else; for to them they rarely play the hypocrite." The man who is a bully and abusive to those weaker or less fortunate than himself, is at heart a poor creature; though, in company of his equals, he may be affable and polished enough. For example, Kingsley mentions regarding Sir Sydney Smith that "the love he won was because, without any conscious intention, he treated rich and poor, his own servants, and the n.o.blemen, his guests, alike courteously, cheerfully, considerately, affectionately, bearing a blessing and reaping a blessing wherever he was." When a celebrated man returned the salute of a negro, he was reminded that he had done what was very unfashionable. "Perhaps so,"

he replied, "but I would not be outdone in good manners by a negro."

"Good words," says holy George Herbert, "are worth much, and cost little." The same may be said of good manners.

[1] _The Secret of Success_.

[2] _Plain Living and High Thinking_.

CHAPTER XI.

TEMPER.[1]

Temper is the harmonious and well-balanced working of the different powers of the mind. Good temper is when harmony is maintained; bad temper when it is violated. "Temper," it was said by an English bishop, "is nine-tenths of Christianity." We may think this an exaggerated statement, but there is much to commend it. The fruit of the Spirit of G.o.d is peace, and peace is the condition of a heart which is at rest--in harmony with G.o.d and man. Peace may be taken as the Scriptural word for temper.

Good temper is a sign that the different powers of the soul are working in harmony.--For instance, the atmosphere is well tempered when it is neither too hot nor too cold, neither too dry nor too moist, having neither too much electricity nor too little. Then the weather is called fine. It is a pleasure to live. When the weather is bad, the balance of the elements is broken, and life is disagreeable and unpleasant. The body is well tempered when the nervous system and the blood and the nutritive system all work in due harmony. When these three great const.i.tuents of the body are well balanced against each other, the result is health. The body is not well tempered in a student who takes no exercise, and where everything goes to feed the brain; nor in a pugilist in training, where everything goes to feed the muscles. The result is disease. We all know the musical instrument called the harp. All the strings are tuned into perfect harmony. If there is a false note struck, that is a sign to the musician that there is something wrong, and that the instrument needs to be tuned. The discord is a symptom, that some cords are out of order. So, bad temper is a sign that some string in our moral const.i.tution is out of harmony and needs to be tuned.

Good temper can be acquired.--It is the result of culture. There are two things often confounded with it--(_a_) good nature and (_b_) good humor. Good nature is something born with us--an easy, contented disposition, and a tendency to take things quietly and pleasantly. We inherit it. There is little merit in possessing it. Good humor is the result of pleasant surroundings and agreeable circ.u.mstances. A good-humored man is so when everything goes right; when things go wrong, his good humor departs and bad humor takes its place. But good temper results from training and self-control--keeping constant watch over our pa.s.sions and feelings, and above all being in constant harmony with G.o.d; for he who is at peace with G.o.d is at peace with man, and will keep the "even tenor of his way."

There are various signs or forms of ill-temper that may be adverted to.

One form of ill-temper is irritability.--We perhaps know what it is to have a tooth where the nerve is exposed. Everything that touches it sends a thrill of pain through us. Some people get into a moral state corresponding to that. The least thing puts them out, vexes them, throws them into a disagreeable frame of mind. When one gets into that state, he should feel that there is something wrong with him--something is off the balance, some nerve is exposed. He had better look to it and go off to the dentist.

Another form of ill-temper is readiness to find fault.--This is a sure sign of a screw being loose somewhere. An ill-tempered person is always making grievances, imagining himself ill-used, discontented with his position, dissatisfied with his circ.u.mstances. He never blames himself for anything wrong; it is always someone else. He is like a workman who is always excusing himself by throwing the blame on his tools; like a bad driver who is always finding fault with his horses.

Some fretful tempers wince at every touch, You always do too little or too much; He shakes with cold; you stir the fire and strive To make a blaze; that's roasting him alive.

Serve him with venison, and he chooses fish; With sole; that's just the sort he would not wish.

Alas! his efforts double his distress, He likes yours little, and his own still less.

Thus, always teasing others, always teased, His only pleasure is--to be displeased.

If we find ourselves getting into this state of mind, it is high time to inquire what is wrong with us.

Another form of ill-temper is pa.s.sion.--Some people are very subject to this development. They are "gunpowdery," and when a small spark touches them they fly out, and there is a blaze. It is a very unlovely feature of a man's character, and if people in a pa.s.sion could only see themselves in a gla.s.s, their eyes flashing, their brow contracted and their features distorted, they would feel that they have cause to be ashamed of themselves. After having been in what is called "a towering rage," there often comes to a man the feeling expressed in the words, "I have made a great a.s.s of myself." If we have done so, we should resolve never to make ourselves ridiculous again.

Perhaps the worst form of ill-temper is sulkiness.--This is pa.s.sion not dying out, but continuing to smoulder like the embers of a fire where there is no flame. A sullen disposition is as bad a sign of something being wrong as there could well be. It is like what the doctors call "suppressed gout." The disease has got driven into the system, and has taken so firm a hold that it cannot easily be dislodged. Better a man whose temper bubbles over and is gone, than the man who cherishes it in his bosom and allows, not the sun of one day, but of many days, to go down on his wrath.

A word or two is perhaps necessary, in addition to what has been said, as to the means by which good temper is to be preserved and bad temper avoided.

I. _We should cherish a deep and strong detestation of the evil effects of bad temper in all its forms_.--(_a_) It has a bad effect physically. It produces consequences injurious to health. The man who indulges in it habitually cannot do so with impunity. Doctors constantly warn their patients to refrain from irritating disputes, and to avoid men and things likely to provoke their anger. (_b_) It has a bad effect socially. The bad-tempered man is seldom a favorite with society. Men eventually dislike him and shun him as a nuisance. His family, if he has one, come to regard him with dread rather than love.

(_c_) It has a bad effect as regards success in life. "Everything,"

the proverb says, "comes to him who waits." The patient and forbearing man attains his object much sooner than the man of pa.s.sion and abuse.

Such a person is continually thwarted in his plans. People refuse to be bullied into acquiescence; and threats, which have well been called "the arguments of a coward," raise rather than disarm opposition.

(_d_) It has a bad effect spiritually. (1) The man of evil temper wants the calm disposition of soul necessary to communion with G.o.d.

The gla.s.s through which he looks into the spiritual world is clouded and gives a distorted vision. He whose soul is filled with anger and clouded by pa.s.sion cannot pray. Before he lays his gift upon the altar, he must be reconciled to his brother. (2) Scripture is full of warnings against evil temper: "He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly." "Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man thou shalt not go, lest thou learn his ways and get a snare to thy soul." "An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression." "Be ye angry and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath." "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice; and be ye kind one to another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, even as G.o.d for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." The example of our blessed Lord specially teaches the same lessen. Calmly and peacefully He pursued His divine work. "When reviled he reviled not again, but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously." Before the High Priest, Pilate and Herod, His indignant silence was more eloquent than scorching words.

II. _We should deliberately cultivate self-control_.--If a railway train is going swiftly along, and the driver sees something on the track, he applies the brake, and thus avoids collision. In regard to temper, self-control is like the brake, and we should be ever ready to put it on. A person can come, in time, to get a wonderful control over his temper if he watches against it. The writer knew a young man who was at one time of an ungovernable temper; he used to be at times like "one possessed." But by watching and resolutely putting on the brake he grew up one of the sweetest-tempered and most lovable of men. He fought the wild beast within him, lashed it and kept it down. A merchant had pa.s.sionately abused a Quaker, who received his outburst of ill-temper in silence. Being afterwards ashamed of himself, he asked the other how he was able to show such patience. "Friend," replied the Quaker, "I will tell thee. I was naturally as hot and violent as thou art. I knew that to indulge temper was sinful, and I found it was imprudent. I observed that men in a pa.s.sion always spoke loud, and I thought if I could control my voice I should repress my pa.s.sion. I have therefore made it a rule never to allow my voice to be above a certain key, and by a careful observance of this rule I have, by the blessing of G.o.d, mastered my natural temper." Strong resolution can do much. "If the pot boils," says the proverb, "take it off the fire." A little care, a word swallowed, a rising sentence struck down in us by a simple rule, may save us humiliation. "By reflection, by restraint and control a wise man can make himself an island which no floods can overwhelm. He who is tolerant with the intolerant, mild with the fault-finders, and free from pa.s.sion with the pa.s.sionate, him I indeed call a wise man."--Buddhist saying.

III. But while an act of self-control can restore the proper temper and balance to the mind when it is in danger, _the best way is to keep it so that it will not go off the balance_. You know that if a clock stops, we may perhaps make it go again by a shake; if it does not keep time, we can often put the hands right; but the best way is to keep the machinery always so well balanced and adjusted that it will not stop or go wrong. We may watch and control the temper when it breaks out; but the better way is to keep it so well balanced that it will not break out. The soul that is in harmony with G.o.d, that is full of the spirit of Christ, will ever be peaceful and serene. If ill-temper is our besetting sin, G.o.d's grace, if we ask it, will give us power to conquer it While we watch against it, we should pray against it also. The beautiful words of Thomas a Kempis point out to us the secret of the well-tempered and well-balanced mind: "First keep thyself in peace, and then thou wilt be able to bring others to peace." If "the peace of G.o.d which pa.s.seth all understanding" keep our hearts and minds, through Christ Jesus, our life will never have its serenity disturbed by ill-temper.

[1] I wish to acknowledge my indebtedness for some hints in this chapter to an interesting work on "Self-Culture," by James Freeman Clarke.

CHAPTER XII.

RECREATION.

Recreation is another name for amus.e.m.e.nt. Both words express the same idea. Recreation means to create over again, the building up of the system when it is exhausted. Amus.e.m.e.nt primarily is said to be derived from the halt which a dog makes in hunting, when he pauses to sniff the air in order to see in which way the scent lies. Having done this, he starts off again with redoubled speed. Both these words in themselves suggest the place that the things which they signify should occupy in life. They are for the refreshing of our strength, in order to renewed effort.

Recreation is a necessary part of life.--There are two great laws under which we live: the law of work and the law of recreation. Man has to work, and to work hard, in order to live. Work also is necessary to happiness. "He that labors," says the Italian proverb, "is tempted by one devil; he that is idle, by a thousand." The industrious life, it is perfectly plain (as we have shown in a previous chapter), is that which we should all follow. But recreation is as needful in its place as work. (_a_) This is the teaching of nature. G.o.d has made us capable of enjoying ourselves, just as He has made us able to think, or talk, or work with our hands. The first sign of intelligence in the infant is a smile. The child's nature unfolds itself in play, and as man grows up, it develops itself in many forms. The universe also is full of joy and gladness. The sky is blue, the sea glistens, the flowers are strewn over the earth. We speak of the waves playing on the sh.o.r.e, of the shadows playing on the mountain side. All this indicates that there is "a certain play element" that rejoices in the world around us. (_b_) This is the teaching of experience. Unvaried and unbroken toil becomes a sore burden; it breaks the spirit, weakens energy, and saddens the heart. "All work and no play," according to the proverb, "makes Jack a dull boy." There are men around us working so hard that they have no family life, no social life, no time for thought or for culture. They are simply cogs in a great wheel that is ceaselessly turning round and round--wearing themselves out before their time by excess of labor. This cannot be right. There is an interesting tradition of St. John, the disciple of our Lord, that while amusing himself with a tame partridge he was asked by a huntsman how he could spend his time in so unprofitable a manner. St. John replied, "Why dost thou not carry thy bow always bent?" "Because," answered the huntsman, "if it were always bent, I fear it would lose its spring and become useless." "Be not surprised then," replied the apostle, "that I should sometimes remit a little of my close attention of spirit to enjoy a little recreation, that I may afterwards employ myself more fervently in divine contemplation." It is said also of a most saintly man, Carlo Borromeo, that while engaged with some friends in a game of chess, the question was started, what they would do if they knew they were to die within the hour. "I would," said Borromeo, "go on with my game." He had begun it for G.o.d's glory, and in order to fit himself for G.o.d's work, and he would finish it. These anecdotes ill.u.s.trate the truth that recreation is a necessary part of life, and may be engaged in with the highest object.

Recreation, therefore, is not to be regarded as an evil in itself--Men at different times have so regarded it. (_a_) Those who have been termed ascetics in the Church of Rome looked upon every form of amus.e.m.e.nt as sinful. Even to smile or laugh was a fault needing severe penance. They were "cruel to themselves," denied themselves all earthly joy, and placed vice and pleasure in the same category. (_b_) The Puritans also, in the time of the Stuarts, set their faces strongly against games and recreation of every kind. They denounced all public amus.e.m.e.nts, as Macaulay tells us, "from masques, which were exhibited at the mansions of the great, down to the wrestling matches and quoiting matches on the village green." (_c_) In all ages there have been good men animated by the same feeling. Life has seemed to them so serious as to have no place in it for mirth. Even one so saintly as Archbishop Leighton said that "pleasures are like mushrooms--it is so difficult to distinguish those that are wholesome from those that are poisonous, that it is better to abstain from them altogether." Those views have something n.o.ble in them. They spring from hatred of sin and from realizing intensely that

Recreation is liable to abuse.--It often leads to evil. It was the unbridled gaiety of the age, with its selfishness and sensuality, that made the Puritans denounce amus.e.m.e.nt, though the austerity they enforced led to dreadful consequences. Repression pa.s.sed into excess.

"It was as if the pent-up sewerage of a mud volcano had been suddenly let loose. The unclean spirit forcibly driven out by the Puritans returned with seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and the last state of Stuart England was worst than the first." The history of that period shows us the mistake religion makes by frowning down all amus.e.m.e.nts as sinful. But that some may be so is equally clear. They are so (_a_) when they are contrary to the express commands of the Word of G.o.d. There are pleasures which are in themselves unlawful, and which are condemned by the divine law. These, G.o.d's children will shun. They are forms of wickedness which they will ever hold in abhorrence. "The l.u.s.t of the flesh, the l.u.s.t of the eye, and the pride of life," with all that the words mean, though the world may regard them as pleasures, and engage in them as amus.e.m.e.nts, are evil before G.o.d. But not to dwell on this, which is evident, amus.e.m.e.nts are evil (_b_) when they unfit for work. "The end of labor," said the Greek philosopher Aristotle, "is to rest." It is equally true that "the end of rest is to labor." Pleasures that tempt us from daily duty, that leave us listless and weary, are pernicious. Outdoor games, for instance, ought to strengthen the physical frame, they ought to make us healthy and strong and ready for work. But when carried to excess they often produce the opposite result, and become positively hurtful. If the Sat.u.r.day's play unfit for the worship and rest of the Lord's day; if an employer, as has been stated, has been obliged to dismiss his clerks more than once because of their incapacity for work owing to football matches, cricket matches, and sports generally, it is clear that these have not been for their good; and the same may be said of the effect of other forms of amus.e.m.e.nt, especially when carried to excess. The amus.e.m.e.nts that send us back to toil with a lightened heart and a vigorous mind are those only that we should engage in; all others are detrimental, and should be shunned. (_c_) It is necessary to say also that amus.e.m.e.nt in any form followed as the end of life becomes specially sinful. Even the heathen moralist, Cicero, could say "that he is not worthy to be called a man who is willing to spend a single day wholly in pleasure." How much more truly may a Christian feel that he "who liveth in pleasure is dead while he liveth." A life that is simply play, that is simply amus.e.m.e.nt, is no life at all. It is only a contemptible form of existence. "A soul sodden with pleasure" is a lost soul. To be a mere pleasure-seeker is not the chief end of man. Nothing grows more wearying than continuous amus.e.m.e.nt, and no one needs amus.e.m.e.nt so much as he who is always at it. He loses the power of real enjoyment. He has, like Esau, bartered his birthright for a mess of pottage. He is useless to man and guilty before G.o.d.

It is not easy to lay down distinct and definite rules in regard to recreation--to set down and catalogue those amus.e.m.e.nts which it is safe for us to follow, and those from which we should refrain. This has been attempted, but not successfully! and the reason is evident. What may be safe for one person may not be safe for another. If we are told that an amus.e.m.e.nt has been held to be wrong, we are ready to reply that the mere opinion of others is not binding upon us; and perhaps in our contempt for views which appear to us bigoted and straitlaced, we rush into the opposite extreme. The true guide in recreation is a Christian spirit. He who possesses it will need no list of what are lawful and unlawful made out for him. He will be better guided than by any carefully compiled code of duty set before him. All, therefore, that shall be attempted in this direction is to give a few general counsels which may be serviceable.

1. We should exercise our own judgment as to what amus.e.m.e.nts are helpful or the reverse. It has been said, "When you are in Rome, do as the Romans do." We would rather put the adage thus, "When you are in Rome, do _not_ as the Romans do." There are questions which majorities may decide for us, and there are questions which every soul must decide for itself. That everybody goes to bull-fights in Spain does not make bull-fighting right; neither is an amus.e.m.e.nt right because it is popular. In this, as in other matters, we must dare sometimes to be singular. Follow not a mult.i.tude to do evil.

2. What is one man's meat is another man's poison. We are not a law to our neighbor, neither is our neighbor a law to us. The amus.e.m.e.nt that we find injures us, lowers our moral and spiritual tone, and unfits us for the serious business of life, is the thing for us to avoid, as we avoid food which some men can take with impunity, but which does harm to us.

3. Keep on the safe ground of certainty. Whatever is doubtful is dangerous, and had best be left alone. If we go skating, and have a suspicion that the ice in a certain spot is weak, that is sufficient to make us avoid it. Possibly we might pa.s.s over it without danger, but the thought that it may be dangerous leads us to give it a wide berth.

"If you do not wish to hear the bell ring," says the proverb, "keep away from the bell rope." There is a sufficiency of amus.e.m.e.nts which are beyond doubt safe and satisfying, without our trying those that may be dangerous. The best recreation often comes from change of occupation, and there is none better than the companionship of books, the sweet solace of music, the softening influence of art, or the contemplation of the beauties of nature, "the melody of woods and winds and waters." There are fountains of joy open on every side of us, from which we may quaff many an invigorating draught, without drinking from those which are often poisoned and polluted.