Letters of a Javanese Princess Part 10

Father has also given us a German grammar. When we get through with our French studies, and have German under our thumbs, we hope to begin English, if we live long enough.

We try now to read French ill.u.s.trated papers, but reading and understanding are two different things; is it not true?

In the beginning we made the stupidest mistakes, but we have improved slowly and we feel in fine good humour. Roekmini declared once that she had dreamed in French, she was with Chateaubriand and in Louisiana, the beautiful country of which he wrote.

The French language has many resemblances to ours, and the "h" is exactly like ours. Our new friend said to her husband, "They are anxious to learn languages, how glad I should be to teach them myself."

Yesterday I received a letter from her; it was twenty pages long. She wrote so affectionately and said that she felt that she would see us again. "Trust to the future," she wrote. And I will trust, so long as I know that I have you and her on my side. Her letter made me ashamed just as yours do; you and she think too well of me.

And yet, Stella, life is so full, of riddles and of secrets. Human beings are subject to change and it is not always from feeble character.

Circ.u.mstances can come into life, which in the twinkling of an eye will turn a hero into a coward. Do not judge any deed, never mind how base it may appear, till you know all the causes which lead to it.

I have experienced much in these last days, many different emotions.

First I was almost in despair because my dream of freedom seemed to lie deeply buried in the ground.

Then the friends from Batavia came and such happiness came over me that it overwhelmed me; I was as though intoxicated! and then I was frightened and awakened by a pain so heavy that I thought I should not be able to breathe; that was not on account of myself, but of another whom I love with my whole soul.

Why must happiness and misery follow one another so quickly?

Poor dear Father, he has suffered so much, and life still brings him new disappointments. Stella, my Father has no one but his children. We are his joy, his consolation, his all. I love my freedom, the idea is always with me and the fate of my sisters goes to my heart; I would be ready for any sacrifice by which good could come to them. I should only look on it as happiness--the greatest happiness that could ever come to me in life. But my Father is dearer to me than all these put together.

Stella, call me a coward, call me weak, for I cannot be anything else; if Father is set against this dedication of myself, never mind how my heart may cry out, I shall hold it still.

I have not the courage to wound that true heart that beats so warmly for me, and to make it bleed again; for it has bled all too much already and I myself have not been altogether without guilt.

You say that you cannot understand why every one must marry. You say to oppose that "must" with "will"; as for me I should certainly say it in so far as others are concerned, but never in opposition to Father; especially now, that I know what heavy grief oppresses him. Whatever I shall have to do will not be looked upon as compulsory because of a "must" but as something which I freely take upon myself for his sake.

I write, paint and do everything because Father takes pleasure in it. I shall work hard and try my best to do something good so that he may be proud of me. You may call me foolish, morbid, but I cannot help it. I should be miserable if Father should set himself against my plan of freedom, but I should be still more miserable if my dearest wishes should be fulfilled and at the same time, I should lose Father's love.

But I shall never lose that; I will not believe it possible, though I could break his heart. From any one he could endure disappointment better than from me. Because perhaps he loves me a little more than the others, and I love him so dearly.

[1] To Mejuffrouw Zeehandelaar.

[2] Government countries under the direct administration of the Dutch-Indian Government.

[3] Henri Borel, novelist and journalist born in 1869. Also noted as an authority on Chinese art and literature. The author of "Kwan Yin," "De Laatste Incarnatie," "Het Jongetje," etc.

[4] An "aspirant" is the lowest in rank among the Dutch officials in Java.

XI

_August, 1900._[1]

"If we do not go to Holland, may I not go to Batavia and study medicine?"

Father's answer to this was easy enough to comprehend; "I must never forget that I am a Javanese"; that it would not be possible for me to take such a step now, after twenty years it will be different--now it would never do. There would be too many trials and difficulties to be overcome because, "I should be the first." Father could not contain himself any longer, but sprang up and put an end to the conversation.

Father said that he must first think about this earnestly and speak with others and ask their advice.

At least Father did not wholly reject my idea, for Father knows that I wish to become at any price, free, independent and unshackled, and that I could never be happy in a married life as marriages are now, and have always been.

Then I asked, "If the native girls' school of Dr. Abendanon should materialize, may I not become a teacher?" and I told him what Mevrouw Abendanon had proposed to me.

Moedertje, it was as though the doors of Heaven had sprung open and an eternal splendour blazed before my eyes when I heard Father say: "That is good; that is a splendid idea, you could do that very well."

"But first I should have to be trained for the position; I should have to go to school for a year or so and study, to be able to pa.s.s the examination, because I would not undertake the work unless I were fitted for it."

And Father thought I was right and agreed with me.

I was unspeakably happy, I had never thought that it would be so easy, not a single bitter sharp word had been spoken; I felt as though a great weight had been lifted from my heart. Father had been so tender, so loving. Then I had not been mistaken in my faith in his love for me, in my belief in his sympathy for his child: I knew that Father would suffer more than I, if he should cause me misery and that he hoped even as fervently as I, that a way might be found for me.

It was because of him that I felt so miserable for months; that I was so vacillating, weak and cowardly; because I could not bear to hurt him, and I felt that I must; for I could not debase myself or allow my woman's heart, my dignity as a woman, as a human being, to be trampled upon. I would have set myself against my parents. I was morally bound by my own pride and self-respect, my duty to myself not to submit in silence. The inward strife has been terrible.

And now I have won Father over to my side. With that the greatest difficulty is overcome, the greatest stumbling block cleared from the way. I can go forward now to meet the enemy unafraid, gay and self-confident, with a smile on my face.

Now everything depends upon myself alone. It will be the fault of my own will if by any chance I shall fail to reach my goal, but I am full of hope and courage. I have already asked Father if I may tell the good news to Mevrouw Abendanon, and I may; this very evening I am writing to you and to her.

It is still doubtful whether the native girls' school will come into existence, but I never despair. It will be accomplished one way or another, for there are some, though not many, it is true, who are striving to help our native world and to bring light to the native woman.

At Djokja we went to see Mevrouw Ter Horst, as I have already written you. She was very cordial to us and went to the station to meet us, where however she missed us, for we got off a station further on. She had a table already spread for us when we arrived. We went to see her because she had something to talk about with me.

She told me that the plans of Resident de B., of which we had known nothing, differed from those of Dr. Abendanon. His idea was to build a domestic school for daughters of native chiefs, with the Government's help, if possible. If not, by some other means.

The Resident had asked her to sketch out a plan, the details of which he would fill in; she now asked for my ideas, and what I thought the native girls, daughters of chiefs, high and low, should be taught.

If the endeavour of Dr. Abendanon to found a native girls' school, should fail, which Heaven forbid, and I should not become a teacher after all; then you will not desert me Moedertje, will you? But you will try to help me to obtain Father's permission to study medicine. May I not have that a.s.surance from you and your husband too? You could do so much because you have great influence with Father.

Since that memorable noonday talk, Father has been so affectionate to me; he takes my hand between his two hands tenderly, and puts his arm around me so lovingly, as though he would protect me from some impending danger. Through everything I feel his immeasurable love, and it makes me very happy.

Since we have come back from Batavia, we have a queer feeling as though we had only come home to rest until evening, to say "Good day" and then to fly away again. Whither? I shall enjoy being at home now to the utmost for nowhere in the whole world will it be as pleasant to me as in my own parents' house, and I am so thankful because whenever--be it today or tomorrow--I shall leave that house, it will be with their blessing; and I hope also from my heart, with the blessing of its other inmates too.

As a child I could learn with a fair amount of ease, I was never backward, but between then and now lies a whole lifetime. Everything that I learned at the grammar school I have forgotten. I was twelve and a half years of age when I left it. But one can almost always accomplish what one wishes to very hard. Is it not true, Moedertje?

I have written this confession with the full conviction, the firm trust that no one can take a warmer interest in my plans than you and Mijnheer, and what I have just related concerns my whole future. I know that I can go to you at any time when I need advice, support and comfort; in the time to come I shall certainly go to you many times.

[1] To Mevrouw Ovink-Soer.

XII

_7th October, 1900._[1]