Let Me Be The One Part 20

His confidence was one of the things she'd always loved about him. But life had never come as easily to her as it had to him. Not anywhere near.

So she needed to be realistic...and make sure that what they were doing didn't end up ripping away one of the most important people in her life.

"What if it doesn't work out? What if all we're feeling is the rush of new excitement at finally getting to be more than friends?"

"I've had it bad for you for fifteen years. My feelings have never gone away. They've only grown bigger, stronger with every year we were apart. And every time I look at you, every time I touch you, you're even more beautiful than you were just seconds ago. Now that we've gotten horizontal-and vertical-a couple of times, I'm pretty sure you've wanted it, too. We've waited half our lives for this chance to be together. Do you really think we're going to blow it now?"

She wanted so badly to believe that they wouldn't. But she'd believed that before, had followed her pa.s.sions, and she'd been wrong.

She had to be pragmatic, for once. Practical. Especially now, when so much was at stake.

"Of course I don't think either of us would go into a relationship planning to screw it up. I just need to know-if dating doesn't work out, will we still be friends? Or will it be too weird, too hard, to see each other all the time?"

Especially if it turned out that she wasn't enough for Ryan after all.

He blew out a hard breath. "You keep saying that I'm not a forever kind of guy, but you're the one who keeps talking about things ending."

She was surprised to realize he was right.

"I'm just scared that we'll make a mistake we can't recover from. Where we are right now, I think we can probably still step back and be okay. But if we go further and it all goes wrong-"

"What if I told you that I see us together forty years from now, with kids and grandkids and you with clay under your fingernails and me coaching the Little League team down the street? And what if I told you that I'm in l-"

Even as she tried to catch her breath at the fairy tale he was painting for her, the very same one she wanted more and more with every pa.s.sing year, full of kids and grandkids in a close-knit family that loved and laughed and fought as a unit, she jumped to press her fingers against his mouth.

Of course she wanted him to love her back, but she couldn't bear to hear him say it after they'd just had such good s.e.x. Not if she'd always be afraid it was the only reason he'd said it.

"I think this is a good time to remind you that after spending more than a decade on different continents, we've only spent a week together and had s.e.x twice."

He pressed a kiss to her fingertips before sliding his fingers through hers and lowering their hands. "True, but it's been really awesome s.e.x."

His sudden grin reminded her so much of the boy she'd first fallen for so many years ago. She laughed despite the serious tone of their conversation.

And then he put her hand palm-down on his chest and her laughter and his grin both fell completely away.

It was testament to just how well he knew her that he understood that when words were failing, the only surefire path to get to her emotions was through her hands.

"Be with me, Vicki. For real this time. And let me convince you that you'll never need to know the answers to those questions."

Vicki's vows to be cautious had nothing on Ryan's dark eyes or the strong and steady beat of his heart beneath her hands.

"I want to be with you, too," she said softly. "But even though we started out things in reverse, I think we need to take it slow. Just to be sure that we don't accidentally mess everything up."

"Slow, huh?" Her heart dropped when he frowned. "I don't know if I can promise to go slow with you in bed."

Relief flooded her. "Don't be stupid." She grabbed another condom out of the side table, then pushed him down on the bed and straddled him. "Hot, fast, and dirty s.e.x is grandfathered into this discussion."

He grinned at her even as he pulled her mouth down to his. "Then what do you say we have a quickie before I ask you out on our first official date?"

Moments later she was answering him by sinking down onto his hard heat. For the next few minutes she let the sweet press of his mouth against hers, the rough caress of his needy hands over her skin, push away her doubts, her fears...and the sure knowledge that nothing had ever come easy to her before.

Especially not love.

Chapter Twenty-two.

Ryan had waited fifteen years for this first date with Vicki.

Fortunately, the past year had been a master course in love as he'd watched his brothers and sisters fall one after the other. Regardless of how much he'd razzed each one of them along the way, he'd paid attention to their soul-deep emotional connections, the humor between the couples...and the sparks that lit and crackled between lovers like firecrackers.

Maybe it was too much to want a first date to do all those things. After all, he'd been happy with dinner and a movie and uncomplicated s.e.x before. But there was no point comparing Vicki to any of the other women he'd dated.

And yet, Ryan knew that even if he pulled off the best first date in history, it didn't mean his work was done where Vicki's heart was concerned.

Because she hadn't let him say he loved her.

He understood that she'd been hurt so badly by the only other man she'd ever let herself trust that she was wary of taking the leap again with him. But Ryan would never hurt her.

Never.

By the time Vicki walked through his front door and smiled with obvious pleasure at seeing him, he was way past the first date they hadn't even had yet.

Unfortunately, he was pretty sure doing her up against the front door wasn't supposed to be in perfect first date plans.

Just like blurting out "I love you" wasn't going to fly either.

"How was your day?"

She looked radiant as she walked into the kitchen and dropped her bag on the counter. "Amazing. My project really started to come together today, in a really big way. Thank G.o.d."

How was he supposed to control himself when she was glowing like that?

He put his arms on either side of her, effectively trapping her against the kitchen island. "I can't wait to see it." He lowered his mouth to hers and said, "I couldn't wait to see you, either," before kissing her softly, forcing himself to remain gentle rather than giving in to the nearly overpowering urge to lift her up on the counter and take her right then and there.

"What about you?" she asked when he let her up for air.

"Life is good." She was so soft and sweet against him that he could hardly remember what he'd done all day. "Smith helped me convince a bunch more filthy rich people to clean up some by giving the schools money for sports programs. I don't know why I didn't think to pull him in before now."

She grinned. "I can only imagine the team the two of you must make. Those poor rich people didn't stand a chance, did they?"

Did she have any idea how pretty her mouth was when she was smiling at him?

"Are you ready for our date?"

She moved her hands around his back and pulled him closer. "Almost."

"Is there-" He had to clear his throat to push the words past the l.u.s.t clogging them. "Is there something you need to do first?"

"Yes." She went up on her tippy-toes. "More of this."

Her mouth had barely touched his when he had her up on the marble counter, a fistful of cotton fabric in his hands. Still- "You said you wanted to go slow. We can do this date without s.e.x, Vicki."

The thought of walking away from all her heat, her sweetness, was almost unbearable. But he didn't want her to have a single reason not to go out on another date with him, couldn't let her think all he wanted her for was s.e.x.

"If you need me to control myself," he promised, "I'll find a way to do it."

"I guess that means you're a stronger person than I am," she said as she took his shirt in her hands and yanked it over his head. "Because there's no way I can wait for the date to be over to have you."

She took his face in her hands to kiss him again, but even though there was nothing in the world he wanted more, Ryan had to make absolutely sure she wouldn't use their pre-date s.e.x as a reason to back away from him later.

"You and me, we're about more than great s.e.x."

She licked at his lips. "Of course we are. But the s.e.x is a really fantastic bonus, don't you think?"

He had to kiss her again once, then twice, before saying, "The best bonus in the world."

An hour later, they were walking hand in hand onto the same wetland path they'd walked so many times before as teenagers.

"I can't believe you brought me back here." She squeezed his hand tighter as she pulled him toward the water, murky green as it slowly flowed along the peninsula south of the city. "Ready for the plunge?"

Side by side, they squatted down on the muddy edge to stick their hands underwater. Vicki looked down at their hands just under the surface, then back at him.

"This is a really lovely first date. Thank you."

"Even the part where I tore off your clothes the second you walked in the front door?"

She shot him a wicked-and well satisfied-grin. "Especially that."

"Do you know what I always wanted to do out here?" he asked her.

"Probably the same thing I wanted."

In perfect sync, they leaned in to kiss each other. But just as their lips were about to touch, Vicki's heels started skidding on the muddy bank.

Her wide, laughing eyes were the last thing he saw before she toppled into the water...and took him in with her.

Ducks scattered into the sky as they splashed their way to the surface. Laughing too hard to bother climbing out of the sludgy water, as they held onto each other, the ducks that had flown away settled back down to swim around them.

A clump of something green and gooey clung to Vicki's hair, mud streaked her cheek...and still, she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

"What are you looking at?"

"You," was all he could say. "Just you, Vicki."

And then he gave up on talking altogether to make good on the wet and dirty wetlands kiss he'd waited fifteen years to give her.

Twenty-four hours later, Vicki hummed along with the pop song she'd had on repeat for the past two days as she worked. Cheesy love songs performed by sixteen-year-old kids were her weakness. Serious artists, she knew, were supposed to behave accordingly. But she'd never been any good at looking, sounding, or acting the part of the serious artist.

Then again, she hadn't thought she'd be able to pull off the role of Ryan Sullivan's fiancee very convincingly, either.

Of course, that had nothing whatsoever to do with her acting skills...and everything to do with the fact that she'd lost her heart to him so long ago.

It wasn't hard to act besotted when you actually were. And when every night they spent together had been so special. Especially last night, when he'd taken her back to the wetlands.

She knew how busy his life was during the season, and yet he'd squeezed her into every free moment. As much as she loved it, she couldn't live with herself if she accidentally stole him away from his friends and family. Hopefully, she thought as she looked out at how low the sun was in the sky, he'd had a great practice and was headed out to have a beer with the guys.

Yes, that was what he needed. Some guy time.

She could darn well ignore her pangs of missing him in the eight or so hours that had pa.s.sed since he'd kissed her awake that morning. She blushed at the delicious-and decadent-memory of the good morning Ryan had given her before heading out to the stadium.

Realizing her hands had stopped working at least fifteen minutes ago, and that her focus was slightly shot for the time being, she carefully moved her fellowship project over to her worktable against the wall.

Somehow, she realized, she'd let herself start to plan for the future. One that Ryan-and his family-were a big part of.

Her stomach clenched as she mentally looked down the road she'd been walking these past couple of days with Ryan. When they'd agreed to start dating, post tiled-shower-wall-banging s.e.x, she'd told him they should take it slow.

And now, here she was having a hard time doing that herself.

There was no guarantee things would work out between them, despite how incredibly compatible they were. She didn't doubt her feelings for him, knew they wouldn't ever lessen. But Ryan had the whole world at his feet. And even though he was already one of the top athletes in the world, she knew he hadn't yet reached his peak. He would go from pitching to something even bigger, she was sure of it. She wouldn't stand in his way. And she would never-never-let herself be the albatross tied to him that he felt compelled to pull behind him as he climbed higher and higher.

Her studio light flicked on and she was momentarily blinded. A few seconds later, she realized Ryan was walking toward her. Before she could even register what was happening, he pulled her to her feet and gave her a hard, hungry, possessive kiss. She could taste his need. And, strangely, his relief as well.

"Jesus, Vicki, you need to answer your phone."

Her pupils were still trying to adjust to the bright lights at the same time as she worked to keep her balance after Ryan's brain-sizzling kiss.

"My phone?" was the best she could do by way of a response when she was at the perfect level to stare straight at his gorgeous mouth. She couldn't resist taking her own tiny little taste of him this time.

"You weren't at home, and I've been calling you for an hour." He pulled back, his dark eyes flashing dangerously. "No one was answering out front."

She wished her hands weren't covered in wet clay. Otherwise she could have stroked the worry from his face. "I lost track of time. You shouldn't have worried."

He abruptly let go of her and walked back to her door to kick it shut. Maybe it would have scared her if some other man had acted like this, but she didn't feel even the slightest bit of fear with Ryan.

Only the fast sizzle of arousal...and antic.i.p.ation of just how he would take her this time.

Plus, she couldn't help but think she knew why he was acting this way. Until she gave him the commitment he said he wanted, how could he do anything but doubt her? One way or another.