Lessons From A Dead Girl Part 13

"If you really want to help me, stay away from me."

"Lainey, just - just wait." She comes toward me slowly and reaches for my shoulders with both hands. "There's something I have to tell you," she says quietly. The points of her fingertips press into my shoulders.

"Don't touch me," I say.

She lets go, then frowns, as if now she's the one who's going to start crying.

"OK, OK," I say, hating myself for giving in so fast. "What is it?"

She moves closer to me.

"I want you." She laughs and steps back.

"f.u.c.k you." My cheeks burn. I hate her so much. I've hated her before, but nothing like this.

"Lainey, wait. I'm sorry. I couldn't resist."

I keep walking.

"Please wait? I really do want to tell you something."

But I don't wait. I don't even look back. When I step into the hallway, I almost b.u.mp into Jess.

"Hey," she says. "Everything OK?"

"Yeah," I say, looking back to see Leah standing in the middle of the room, smiling at us. "Fine."

Jess makes a concerned face and puts her hand on my shoulder. "You sure?"

I nod, wondering how much Jess saw and heard. I know Leah can see Jess touching me. I can almost feel her smirk. Go ahead, I think. This is what real friends do.

"Come on," I say. I don't look back again. We find Web in the kitchen, drinking with some guys from his school.

Jess grabs his hand and tells him we all need to take a walk.

Outside, the air is still pretty cold, but we make our way to our gazebo and huddle together.

"What's up?" Web asks.

Jess looks at me.

I don't say anything.

"Leah Greene was giving Lainey s.h.i.t in your parents' bedroom," Jess says.

"That psycho? What's she doing here, anyway?"

I squeeze my arms around myself.

"Lainey, what was it about?" Jess asks.

I shake my head. "Nothing," I say.

"It didn't seem like nothing."

"Why, what happened?" Web asks.

I feel myself slipping away from them.

"Lainey?" Jess asks.

What did she hear? What did she see?

Tell them, I think. Just tell them.

I open my mouth.

Tell them.

"Ancient history," I say. "I'm fine. Really."

I know they don't believe me, but they each put an arm around me and hug me from either side.

"We'll protect you from her," Web says.

Jess gives me another squeeze. "Definitely."

I close my eyes and force myself not to cry.

What would Mr. Mitch.e.l.l say?

Did I just fail the friendship test?

Or did Jess and Web just pa.s.s it?

During Thanksgiving break Web's parents are home, so he doesn't have any parties. He tells Jess and me he's taking us on a mystery date. He says to dress warmly and picks us up at my house. The only other hint of where he's taking us is the big wool blanket folded up on the backseat of his car. Jess raises her eyebrows and yells, "Shotgun!" before jumping into the front pa.s.senger seat.

Web hands her a thermos as he pulls out of my driveway. "Careful, it's hot."

"Mmmmm, you'll like this," Jess says to me, handing the thermos back between the front seats.

I'm sure it's some concoction with more alcohol than anything else, but when I take a sip, it's just hot chocolate. Rich, perfect hot chocolate. When I swallow, the warmth travels down to my chest and stays there.

Twenty minutes later, we're at a state park we used to go to on field trips in elementary school.

Jess and I follow Web along a well-worn path to a large pond surrounded by trees and picnic tables and a few gra.s.sy spots, though the gra.s.s now is brown and the ground is frozen. Web spreads out the blanket on the hard ground. We watch some joggers and dog walkers make their way around the pond. The wind is cold on our faces, but it feels good. After a while we lie back and try to soak up the warmth of the sun.

"I see a turtle," Web says, squinting behind his dark sungla.s.ses.

"That's not a turtle; it's a whale," says Jess.

The sun warms my face. The clouds are like paintings slowly sweeping across the blue sky. I don't see a turtle or a whale.

"I see a small horse chasing a bigger one," I say.

"Where? I can't see that!" Jess shades her eyes with her hand.

The horse clouds glide in front of the sun and cast a shadow over us and the blanket.

"Your horses just turned gray," Web says. He stretches his arms out and pulls us closer to him. His down parka smells like outside and feels soft against my cheek.

In the distance a child screams excitedly. I sit up just as a little girl runs past our feet, followed by another girl who looks about the same age. The first one has two long braids that stick out from under a bright red hat. She reaches a tree and yells, "Safety!"

But the other one ignores her and grabs her arm. "Got you," she says.

"No fair!" the long-haired one whines.

"Baby," the other one says. She has short hair that's almost bleached white. Instead of a hat, she has a fuzzy pink scarf wrapped around her neck. The ends trail behind her regally. She turns to walk away, but the long-haired one shouts, "Wait!" and runs to her. She slips her mittened hand into the other girl's, and they walk away, swinging their joined hands up and down.

"They're cute," Jess says. She's propped on her elbows, watching the girls skip away.

From behind, they look familiar. I can almost feel Leah's hand in mine. I look down at the scar on my palm and imagine the shadow of the letters she wrote all those years ago in permanent marker. When I glance up again, the girls dash behind another set of trees.

"You two are way cuter," Web says.

Jess nestles her head back onto his chest.

"Lie down with us, Lainey," Web says.

They smile at me, and Web holds out his free arm. Somehow when I lean back down, my head winds up resting in his armpit. His black coat is warm from the sun and cozy against my face. But instead of feeling comforting, it's smothering. I roll away from him and watch the trees where the girls disappeared.

"What's wrong?" Web asks.

What's wrong? What's wrong? I wish I knew. Leah's voice burns in my ears. You call this happy, Lainey? You look pretty lonely to me.

I shake my head. "Nothing," I say. I know it's not true. But it should be. I picture the three of us - me, Web, and Jess - going to all those parties, IMing one another, pa.s.sing out together in Web's bed, and getting up early to have breakfast and coffee and gossip about the night before. It all feels like a movie I watch but I'm not really a part of.

If Web and Jess are such good friends, why do I feel so lonely? If Web and Jess are such good friends, why can't I tell them the truth? The questions pool in the back of my throat. I know the answers all come down to Leah. And me. And what we did. And that I just can't bear the thought of Web and Jess knowing.

A flow of hair swings out from behind a tree and disappears. A girl giggles in the distance.

I sit up again and pull my knees to my chest. I wrap my arms around my legs.

"You sure you're OK?" Jess asks, sitting up, too.

Web joins her, so we're all sitting on the edge of the blanket, watching the woods beyond the pond.

Web's shoulder touches mine.

"It's just that . . ." I try. "Those girls . . . they remind me . . ." The words choke me. I swallow them and let them slide down into my chest. "Never mind. It's nothing."

Web reaches for my hand and makes me let go of myself. His hand is warm and firm in mine. I will him not to let go. Ever.

The long-haired girl comes tearing out from behind the trees with a huge grin on her face. Her braids bounce against her puffy red coat.

The short-haired girl isn't anywhere to be seen.

I know the trick. If the long-haired girl is winning, the other one will simply say she isn't playing anymore. I want to tell her. I want to tell her to go find a real friend.

But who am I to give advice on friendship? If I was a real friend, I would tell the truth. I would give Web and Jess the ultimate friendship test.

I study my hand in Web's, how his fingers curl around mine like a promise.

I open my mouth to try again, but I still can't figure out how to start.

Web eases his hand out of my grasp as he lifts it to shade his face from the sun. His eyes meet mine. They tell me he knows I'm hiding something.

"Well, we're here for you, Lainey. Right, Jess?"

"Definitely."

The three of us all lie back down again. I close my eyes and tilt my head to the sun.

The little girls scream and giggle and sound happy as they run off again.

"This is heaven," Web says softly.

"You're a sap," Jess tells him.

"Thank you," I say to the sky. Because I believe them. I believe they are here for me. Even if I can't tell them the secret.

We're quiet, listening to the happy noises around us. I concentrate on all the good things surrounding me at this moment. But Leah is in the shadows. She always will be. Our secret keeps her there. Friends forever.

By spring break Web's parties are legendary. When I show up for his "Big Break" party, there's already a line of cars parked down the street. People are spilling out of the house and into the driveway. Web's parents will be coming back from their winter place in a few weeks, so Web says he has to make the most of these final days of freedom.

Web and Jess are already drinking when I get there.

"Lainey!" they yell as soon as they see me. They both seem totally buzzed already. Jess introduces me to a bunch of her friends from Maine who drove all the way here for the big event. I feel their eyes on me as they check me out. I wonder what Jess told them about me. She puts her arm around my waist and squeezes.

"Ready for some fun?" she asks.

Before I can answer, Web kisses me on the cheek, then pushes a beer in my hand.

As he does, one of Jess's friends starts chanting, "Chug! Chug! Chug!" Pretty soon everyone in the room joins in.

Web rolls his eyes but smiles, too. He nods, urging me to do it.

I put the cup to my mouth and try not to breathe in and smell the bitter beer. The first drink is always the hardest. I force myself to swallow a mouthful, but the chants get louder. I swallow again. And again. Some of the beer drips over the side of the cup and slides down both sides of my chin. When I put the cup down, it's empty. Web wipes my chin with the back of his hand as people give a halfhearted cheer, then go back to what they were doing. Web fills my cup again and winks at me.