Law and Laughter Part 16

An advocate of the present day, in trying to induce the Second Division of the Court of Session to reverse a decision p.r.o.nounced in Glasgow Sheriff Court somewhat startled the Bench by reminding them that their lordships were only mortal after all. "Are you quite sure of that?"

asked the presiding judge. Counsel judiciously refrained from replying to this poser. The incident recalls an occasion in the Second Division when it was presided over by Lord Justice-Clerk Moncreiff. A junior counsel was debating a case in the division, and, apparently finding he was not making much headway, invited their lordships to imagine for the moment that they were navvies, and to look at the question from the point of view of the worker. In stately tones the Lord Justice-Clerk informed the audacious junior that his invitation was unsuited to the dignity of the Court.

A learned counsel at the Bar prided himself on the juvenility of his appearance, and boasted that he looked twenty years younger than he was.

He was cross-examining a very prepossessing and uncommonly self-possessed young woman as to the age of a person whom she knew quite well, but could get no satisfactory answer. "Well," he persisted, "but surely you must have been able to make a good guess at his age, having seen him often."--"People don't always look their age."--"No, but you can surely form a good idea from their looks. Now, how old should you say I am?" "You might be sixty by your looks, but judging by the questions you ask I should say about sixteen!"

Much amus.e.m.e.nt is afforded by the answers given by witnesses to judges and counsel. They form the theme of legions of stories, and we append a selection to this chapter of legal wit of the Bar.

An Irishman before Lord Ardwall was giving evidence on the question whether having lived eleven years in Glasgow he was a domiciled Scotsman. He swore that he was, and as a question of succession depended upon the domicile the point was of importance. The opposing counsel thought he had him cornered when on the list of voters for an Irish const.i.tuency he found the witness's name. But Pat was equal to the occasion. "It's a safe sate," he said; "they never revise the lists,"

and by way of clinching the argument, he added: "Shure there's men in Oireland who have been in their graves for twenty years who voted at the last election."

Legal gentlemen sometimes resort to methods not quite in accordance with usual practice to elicit information from stubborn witnesses. In Glasgow Sheriff Court one day a somewhat long and involved question was addressed by the cross-examining agent to a witness who, from his stout build and imperturbable manner, looked the embodiment of Scottish caution. The witness, who was not to be so easily "had," having regarded his questioner with a steady gaze for the s.p.a.ce of almost a minute, at last broke silence: "Would you mind, sir," said he, "just repeating that question, and splitting it into bits?" And after the Court had regained its composure the discomfited agent humbly proceeded to subdivide the question.

In the old days when Highlanders "kist oot" (quarrelled) they resorted to the claymore, but the hereditary fighting spirit appears nowadays in an appeal to the law. Perth Sheriff Courts witness many a "bout" between the stalwarts, who are not amiss to clash all round if need be. "You must have been in very questionable company at the show?" inquired a sheriff of a farmer. "Weel, ma lord--you wis the last gentleman I spoke to that day as I was coming oot!" was his reply.

The pointed insinuation to another witness in a claim case at the same Court. "I think I have seen you here rather often of late," drew the reply, "Nae doot, if a'm no takin' onybody here--then it's them that's takin' me!"

Quite recently an old farmer in Perthshire, who had been rather severely cross-examined by the opposing counsel, had his sweet revenge when the sheriff, commenting on the case, inquired: "There seems to be a great deal of dram-dramming at C---- on Tuesdays, I imagine?"--"Aye, whiles,"

was the canny reply--and immediately following it up, as he pointed across at the rival lawyer, he continued--"an' that nicker ower there can tak' a bit dram wi' the best o' them!"

A young advocate, as junior in a licensing club case, had to cross-examine the certifying Justice of the Peace who was very diffuse and rather evasive in his answers. "Speak a little more simply and to the point, please," said counsel mildly. "You are a little ambiguous, you know."--"I am not, sir," replied the witness indignantly; "I have been teetotal for a year."

It is a fact well known to lawyers that it is a risky thing to call witnesses to character unless you know exactly beforehand what they are going to say. Here is an instance in point. "You say you have known the prisoner all your life?" said the counsel. "Yes, sir," was the reply.

"Now," was the next question, "in your opinion is he a man who is likely to have been guilty of stealing this money?"--"Well," said the witness thoughtfully, "how much was it?"

In a County Sheriff Court his lordship addressed a witness: "You said you drove a milk-cart, didn't you?" "No, sir, I didn't."--"Don't you drive a milk-cart?" "No, sir."--"Ah! then what do you do, sir?"--"I drive a horse."

A well-known lawyer not now in practice, who had risen from humble parentage to be Procurator Fiscal of his county, once got a sharp retort from a witness in Court. It was a case of law-burrows--well known in Scotland--which requires a person to give security against doing violence to another. A lady had a.s.saulted a priest who in the discharge of his duty had been visiting her husband--a member of his flock. The lady was herself a Protestant, and suspected the reverend gentleman of designs on her husband's property for behoof of his Church. The witness in the box was prepared on every point, and the following dialogue ensued--P.F.: "Who was your father?" Lady: "My father was a gentleman."

P.F.: "Yes, but who was he?" Lady: "He was a good man and much respected, although he didn't make such a noise in the world as yours."

The P.F.'s father had been the town crier.

Perhaps it was to the same lawyer who asked the question of a labouring man: "Are you the husband of the previous witness?" and got the answer: "I dinna ken onything aboot the previous witness, but if it was Mrs.

----, a'm her man."

The macer who calls the cases coming before the judges in Court was in older days an interesting personality. Lord c.o.c.kburn recalls the time when this duty was performed by the "crier" putting his head out of a small window high up in the wall of the Parliament House and shouting down to the counsel and agents a.s.sembled below him. Now it is performed from a raised dais on the floor of the hall, and it is no joke when the macer has to call in stentorian tones such a case as "Dampskibsselskabet Danmary _v._ John Smith." Learned members of the Faculty approach such a difficulty otherwise. During "motions" one day an astute counsel said, "In number 11 of your lordship's roll." "What did you call it?" inquired the judge. "I called it number 11," navely replied counsel. The case was "Fiskiveidschlutafjelagid Island _v._ Standard Fishing Company."

The administration of the oath in Courts of Justice is apt to become perfunctory, and some sheriffs shorten the formula, so that it is administered somewhat after this fashion: "I swearbalmityG.o.d, that I will tell the truth, the wholetruth, anothingbuthetruth." There is one sheriff more punctilious, and recently he administered the oath to a female witness, making her recite it in sections after him. "I swear by Almighty G.o.d" (pause). Witness: "I swear by Almighty G.o.d."--"As I shall answer to G.o.d." Witness: "As I shall answer to G.o.d."--"At the Great Day of Judgment." The witness stumbled over this clause, and the sheriff had to repeat it twice. As she ran more glibly over the concluding words, the sheriff remarked: "It's extraordinary how many people come to this Court who seem never to have heard of that great occasion."

This is what took place in a Glasgow Court. Sheriff: "Repeat this after me, 'I swear by Almighty G.o.d.'" Witness: "I swear by Almighty G.o.d."

Sheriff: "I will tell the truth." Witness: "I will tell the truth."

Sheriff: "The whole truth." Witness: "I HOPE so!"

In Edinburgh Sheriff Small Debt Court the oath was administered to a witness who was dull of hearing. "I swear by Almighty G.o.d," said the sheriff. The witness put his hollowed hand to his ear and asked: "Wha dae ye sweer by?" Many Court reporters have heard a witness swear to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and anything but the truth"; and one old lady (mistaking certain words recited by the judge) affirmed her determination to tell the truth "with a great deal of judgment."

As we indicated at the beginning of this volume, stories of wit and humour from the ranks of agents in the legal profession are much rarer than in those of the Bench and the Bar. From the _Court of Session Garland_ we quote the following relating to a worthy pract.i.tioner in the days when Councillor Pleydell played "high jinks" in his favourite tavern.

In old times some stray agents in Scotland might be found who were not particularly distinguished for professional attainments, and who sometimes could not "draw" a paper as it is termed. One of these worthies was impressed with the idea that his powers were equal to the preparation of a pet.i.tion for the appointment of a factor. His clerk was summoned, pens, ink, and paper placed before him, and the process of dictation commenced: "Unto the Right Honourable." "Right Honourable,"

echoed the clerk. "The Lords of Council and Session."--"Session,"

continued the scribe--"the Pet.i.tion of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in Skye--Skye--humbly sheweth--sheweth." "Stop, John, read what I've said."--"Yes, sir. 'Unto the Right Honourable the Lords of Council and Session the Pet.i.tion of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in Skye, humbly sheweth.'"--"Very well, John, very well. Where did you stop?"--"Humbly sheweth--that the pet.i.tioner--pet.i.tioner"--here a pause for a minute--"that the pet.i.tioner. It's down, sir." Here the master got up, walked about the room, scratched his head, took snuff, but in vain; the inspiration had fled with the mysterious word "pet.i.tioner." The clerk looked up somewhat amazed that his master had got that length, and at last ventured to suggest that the difficulty might be got over. "How, John?" exclaimed his master. "As you have done the most important part, what would you say, sir, to send the paper to be finished by Mr. M---- with a guinea?"--"The very thing, John, tak' the paper to Mr. M----, and as we've done the maist fickle pairt of the work he's deevilish weel aff wi' a guinea."

We are indebted to the author of that capital collection of Scottish anecdote, _Thistledown_, for the following story, as ill.u.s.trating one of the many humorous attempts to get the better of the law, and one in which the lawyer was "hoist with his own petard." A dealer having hired a horse to a lawyer, the latter, either through bad usage or by accident, killed the beast, upon which the hirer insisted upon payment of its value; and if it was not convenient to pay costs, he expressed his willingness to accept a bill. The lawyer offered no objection, but said he must have a long date. The hirer desired him to fix his own time, whereupon the writer drew a promissory note, making it payable at the day of judgment. An action ensued, when in defence, the lawyer asked the judge to look at the bill. Having done so, the judge replied: "The bill is perfectly good, sir; and as this is the day of judgment, I decree that you pay to-morrow."

Joseph Gillon was a well-known Writer to the Signet early in the nineteenth century. Calling on him at his office one day, Sir Walter Scott said, "Why, Joseph, this place is as hot as an oven."--"Well,"

quoth Gillon, "and isn't it here that I make my bread?"

A celebrated Scottish preacher and pastor was visiting the house of a solicitor who was one of his flock, but had a reputation of indulging in sharp practice. The minister was surprised to meet there two other members of his flock whose relations with the solicitor were not at the time known to be friendly or otherwise. In course of conversation the solicitor, alluding to some disputed point, appealed to the minister: "Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask whether you look on them as black or as white sheep?"--"I don't know," answered the minister, "whether they are black or white sheep; but this I know, that if they are long here they are pretty sure to be _fleeced_."

_Apropos_ of this story is the one of a Scottish countrywoman who applied to a respectable solicitor for advice. After detailing all the circ.u.mstances of the case, she was asked if she had stated the facts exactly as they had occurred. "Ou ay, sir," rejoined the applicant; "I thought it best to tell you the plain truth; you can put the lees till't yoursel'."

THE LAWYER'S TOAST

At a dinner of a Scots Law Society, the president called upon an old solicitor present to give as a toast the person whom he considered the best friend of the profession. "Then," said the gentleman very slyly, "I'll give you 'The Man who makes his own will.'"

CHAPTER SEVEN

THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR

"Going tew law is like skinning a new milch cow for the hide and giving the meat tew the lawyers."

JOSH BILLINGS.

"Oh, sir, you understand a conscience, but not law."

Ma.s.sINGER: _The Old Law_.

CHAPTER SEVEN

THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR