Kristin Ashe: A Safe Place To Sleep Part 19

"No s.e.x?" she tried one more time.

I shook my head.

"d.a.m.n. Then how about a movie? I could use a little escapism right about now."

"I'd be happy to take you to the movies."

"I'll get my coat."

"Great."

As we were leaving the house, I held the door open for her.

"In the excitement of the day, I forgot to tell you the good news, that you were a budding lesbian at the age of four."

She laughed heartily.

"You're making this up to cheer me up."

"I'm not, I swear it. You had a best friend who lived next door, Lydia Barton's daughter. Her name was Janine, but you called her honey."

She hit me with her coat.

"I knew you were lying."

"Okay, seriously, you called her Nene. That was your very first word."

"My girlfriend's name was the first word out of my mouth?"

"It was."

"That figures. I always was advanced," she said obviously impressed by her early tastes. "Was she cute?"

"When she was little, she was adorable. Her mother has a ton of photos of her on display in the living room. Now, I'd say she's average-looking," I perhaps understated.

"What's she up to these days?"

"Funny you should ask. Get this a" she lives in San Francisco with her *best friend' who's an electrician."

"Hot d.a.m.n! Is it presumptuous of me to stereotype?"

"Not at all. She's a lesbian if I ever saw one."

"How funny."

"You don't remember her at all?"

"When you said her name, I had a flash of memory, but it went away before I could catch it."

"Maybe more will come back to you later."

"You're sure she's only average-looking now?"

"Maybe a fraction above average," I conceded. "But she seems to be a married woman."

"No matter. Let's go visit her, Kris. Let's skip the movie and fly to San Francisco."

"Oh sure!"

"Let's do it!" She jumped up and down. "You're the boss. Close the office for a few days. Let's go meet Janine."

"You're serious?"

The twinkle in her eye gave her away. "Only halfway. But it would be an adventure, wouldn't it?"

"Every moment with you is an adventure, Destiny."

We didn't go to San Francisco. We went to a movie that wasn't meant to be a comedy and laughed our heads off. We ate dinner at the theater a" nachos and popcorn.

I went home alone.

When I got back to my apartment, I started cleaning it. Three hours later, I still wasn't done. It wasn't so much the cleaning that took time. It was the picking things up. I hauled piles and piles of stuff from the living room into the bedroom. And from the bedroom into the bathroom. And from every room into the kitchen. I wore myself out before I ever turned the vacuum on, which was probably just as well given that it was way past midnight.

On impulse, when I was straightening up the phone cord, I called Destiny.

"h.e.l.lo." Thankfully, her voice didn't sound groggy.

"Hi, it's me. What are you doing?"

"Actually, I was getting ready for bed. What's up?"

"Not much. I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"I'm okay. Are you okay?"

"Of course I am. I had a very eventful day, a wonderful evening with a good friend, and I cleaned my apartment."

"You cleaned your apartment tonight?"

'Yep."

'You cleaned your apartment instead of having s.e.x with me?" Her voice was full of mock outrage.

"Well, I never thought of it in those terms, but now that you mention it, yes."

"I'm insulted."

"Don't be. My apartment has gotten quite dirty while I've given you and your case my sole attention."

"That's better." We both laughed. "Did you call because you had one of those dreams, Kris?" she asked me quite seriously.

"No, not at all. I haven't even tried to sleep. I just called to see how you were."

"That's nice of you, but really, I'm fine."

"Has it sunk in yet that you have three mothers?"

"To tell you the truth, I've been trying not to think about it. When I got home, I took a nice long bath and I've been reading."

"Good, I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine, Kris. Really, I am. But if you're still concerned, you could come over here and check up on me."

"Very funny," I said, smiling despite myself.

"I'm serious," she said laughing.

"Oh, sure."

"It was a crazy day today, wasn't it?"

"It certainly was."

"Hey, Kris a""

"Hey what?"

"You wouldn't be too terribly disappointed if we quit looking for any more members of my family, would you?"

"Not at all," I said, which wasn't really true.

"I'm not sure I can take much more of this."

"That's okay. You've been through a lot already."

"You've helped me tremendously, you know."

"I know."

"You're sure you're not disappointed?"

"Of course not!" I lied ineffectively.

"You sound disappointed."

"Even if we're done looking for people, can we still be friends?" I asked tentatively.

"Of course, we can! Is that what you're worried about?"

"A little."

"Don't be. It's been a long time since I met anyone I liked as much as you, Kristin Ashe. We've only just begun."

"Good."

"And I may keep going with the search, but I'm not sure. I need a couple of days to think about it."

"Take all the time you need. I could use a break myself."

"I will. And don't forget to call me if you want to talk in the middle of the night... and not just about me."

"I will," I said grinning. On that note, we said our good-byes.

As I lay in bed that night, naked and alone, I thought about all the reasons I wanted to make love with Destiny, and there were many. Then I thought about all the reasons why I hadn't, and there were even more.

Making love with the most beautiful, dynamic woman in Denver would have been so easy... and so incredibly exciting. In my thoughts, we did make love, and it was wonderful. Full of love and life and laughter. That was the fantasy.

The reality was that I'd already made love with the most beautiful, dynamic woman in Denver.

Her name was Gallagher, and she was gone. From my life and almost completely from my heart.

On our first date, Gallagher had taught me to dance. Over my strong protestations, she took me out onto the dance floor, held me tight, and taught me how to feel the music, which was really just a process of learning to unfeel the fear. On that night, I discovered the sensuous art of dance and felt the beginning twinges of intimacy. I wanted, for the first time in my life, to be touched. To be physically comforted. Gallagher held me in her powerful arms and for a time, my mind was quiet.

It didn't last long.

Over time, my body closed down. I worked and worked to allow it to stay open, but I couldn't. I avoided making love, afraid to tell her that I couldn't stand to be touched.

I immersed myself in work, like an alcoholic in drink. I was afraid my business was failing. Except it wasn't. Sales went up and up. Costs went down and down. The employees were happy. The clients were happy. Only I was dissatisfied.

And then one day, she left.

That night, I had wanted to make love with Destiny.

But I knew I wasn't ready.

By nature, I was a loner. Making love brought me out of my own cold world into a magical one of warm, loving touch. Eventually, though, my instincts, honed from years of survival, destroyed the magic, and I recoiled at a lover's touch.

I knew this.

Over and over again, I'd tried to recreate the past. I'd tried to teach myself the basic lessons of love and touch. But either I wasn't a very good teacher, or I wasn't a very good learner. In any case, I wasn't a very good lover.

Distance always prevailed.