Kovacliska - Ashes To Ashes Part 58

That made the most sense to her. The idea of a stalker had never occurred.

It still didn't seem a possibility.

"I think you should park on the street," Quinn said. "This might havebeen some transient going through the neighborhood, or it might havebeen some kid playing a joke, but you can't be too careful, Kate."

"I know. I will-starting tomorrow. How long have you been here?" Kateasked as they started for the house.

"Not long enough to have to do that."

"That's not what I meant."

"I just got here. I tried calling you at the office. I tried callinghere.

I went to the office-you were gone. So I took a cab. Did you get mymessages?"

"Yes, but it was late and I was tired. It's been a rotten, rotten day,and I just wanted out of there."

She let them in the back door and Thor greeted them with an indignantmeow. Kate left her boots in the entry, dropped her briefcase on akitchen chair, and went directly to the fridge to pull out the cat food.

"You weren't avoiding me?" Quinn said, shrugging out of his coat.

"Maybe. A little."

"I was worried about you, Kate."

She set the dish down on the floor, stroked a hand over the cat, andstraightened with her back to Quinn. Just that one little sentencebrought the volatile emotions swirling once more to the surface, broughttears to her eyes. She wouldn't let him see them if she could help it.She would choke them back down if she could. He was inviting her to needhim. She wanted to so badly.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm not used to anyone caring-" Christ, what apoor choice of words. She wasn't used to anyone caring about her anymore.

The truth, but it made her sound pathetic and wretched. It made herthink of Melanie Hessler-missing for a week without anyone caring enoughto find out why.

"She was my client," she said. "Melanie Hessler. Victim number four. Imanaged to lose two in one night. How's that for a record?"

"Oh, Kate." He came up behind her and slipped his arms around her,folding his warmth and his strength around her. "Why didn't you callme?"

Because I'm afraid of needing you. Because I'm afraid of loving you.

"Nothing you could do about it," she said.

Quinn turned her in his arms and brushed her hair back from her face,but he didn't try to make her look at him. "I could have done this," hemurmured. "I could have come and put my arms around you and held you fora while."

"I don't know that that would have been such a good idea," she saidquietly.

"Why not?"

"Because. You're here to work a case. You've got more important thingsto do."

"Kate, I love you."

"Just like that."

"You know it's not 'just like that."' She stepped away from him,instantly missing the contact. "I know that we went five years without aword, a note, nothing. And now in a day and a half we're in love again.

And in a week you'll go. And then what?" she said, moving restlessly,hands on her hips. "What am I thinking?"

"Apparently, nothing good."

Kate could see that she'd hurt him, which hadn't been her intent at all.

She cursed herself for being so clumsy with such fragile feelings, butshe was out of practice, and she was so afraid, and fear made herawkward.

"I'm thinking about every time in those five years that I wanted to pickup the phone but didn't," Quinn said. "But I'm here now."

"By chance. Can't you see how that scares me, John? If not for thiscase, would you ever have come? Would you ever have called?"

"Would you?"

"No," she said without hesitation, then softer and softer, shaking herhead. "No .. . no .. . I've had enough pain to last me a lifetime. Iwouldn't have gone looking for it. I don't want any more. I'd rather notfeel anything at all. And you make me feel so much," she said, herthroat tightening. "Too much. And I don't trust it all not to justdisappear."

"No. No." He caught hold of her by the arms and held her in front ofhim. "Look at me, Kate."

She wouldn't, didn't dare, wanted to be anywhere but right there infront of him on the brink of tears.

"Kate, look at me. It doesn't matter what we would have done. It mattersthat we're here now. It matters that we feel exactly what we felt backthen. It matters that making love to you this morning was the mostnatural, perfect thing in the world-as if we'd never been apart.

That's what matters. Not the rest of it.

"I love you. I do," he murmured. "That's what matters. Do you love me?"

She nodded, head down, as if she were ashamed to admit it. "I alwaysdid."

Tears slipped down her cheeks. Quinn caught them with his thumbs andbrushed them away.

"That's what matters," he whispered. "Anything else we can work around.

"My life has been so empty since you left, Kate. I tried to fill thehole with work, but the work just ate away more of me, and the hole justgot bigger and bigger, and I kept digging like crazy, trying tobackfill.

Lately, I've been feeling like there's nothing left. I blamed the job,thought I'd given away so many pieces of myself to it that I don't knowwho I am anymore. But I know exactly who I am when I'm with you, Kate.That's what's been missing all this time-the part of me I gave to you."

Kate stared at him, knowing he meant what he said. Quinn might have beena chameleon when it came to the job, changing colors at will to get theresult he wanted, but he had never been less than honest with her intheir relationship-at least until the end of it, when both of them hadpulled the armor tight around bruised hearts. And she knew what it costhim to open himself up that way. Vulnerability was not something JohnQuinn did well. It was something Kate tried never to do at all herself.But she felt it now inside her, pushing hard at the gate.

"Have you noticed how our timing really sucks?" she said, winning asmile from him. He knew her well enough to realize she was trying toback them both away from this edge. A little joke to slacken thetension. A subtle sign that she wasn't ready, didn't have the strengthto deal with it all just then.

"Oh, I don't know," he said, easing his arms around her. "I think rightnow you need to be held, and I need my arms around you. So that'sworking out pretty well."

"Yeah, I guess." She let herself put her head on his shoulder. Resignedwas the word that came to mind, but she didn't fight it. She was tootired to fight, and she did indeed need to be held, She didn't get manyopportunities these days. Her own fault, she knew. She told herself shewas too busy to date, that she didn't need the complication of a man inher life right now, when the truth was that there was only one man forher.

She didn't want any other.

"Kiss me," he whispered.

Kate raised her head and invited his mouth to settle on hers, parted herlips, and invited the intimacy of his tongue on hers. As with every kissthey had ever shared, she felt a glowing warmth, a sense of excitement,but also a sense of contentment deep within her soul. She felt as if shehad been unconsciously holding her breath, waiting for this, and couldnow relax and breathe again. A sense of rightness, of completeness.

"I need you, Kate," Quinn whispered, dragging his mouth across her cheekto her ear.

"Yes," she whispered, the need pounding inside her like waves againstrock. The need speaking above the fear that this would all end inheartache in a day or a week.

He kissed her again, deeper, harder, hotter, letting the reins out onthe hunger racing through him. She could feel it in his muscles, in theheat of him; she could taste it in his mouth. His tongue thrust againsthers even as he dropped one hand down her back and pulled her hips tightagainst his, letting her feel just how much he wanted her. She groaneddeep in her throat, as much at the stunning depth of the need as at thefeel of him hard against her.

Breaking the kiss, he leaned back from her and stared at her, his eyeshard and bright and dark, his lips slightly parted. He was breathinghard.

"My G.o.d, I need you."

Kate took his hand and led him to the hall. At the foot of the stairs,Quinn pulled her to him again for another kiss, still hotter and deeper,more urgent. He pressed her back against the wall. His hands caught thebottom of her black sweater and pulled it up between them, exposing herskin to the air, to his touch, giving him access to her b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

She gasped as he pulled the cup of her bra aside and filled his handwith her. It didn't matter where they were. It didn't matter that anyonegoing by could have glimpsed them through the sidelights at her frontdoor. That fast her desire for him outstripped all sense. There was onlyneed, primal and fierce.

She gasped again as his mouth found her nipple. She cradled his head andarched into the contact. She lifted her hips away from the wall as heshoved her snug knit skirt up and stripped down her black tights.Suddenly there was no case, no past, nothing but the need and feel ofhis fingers exploring her, stroking her, finding her most sensitveflesh, sliding into her.

"John. Oh, G.o.d, John," she breathed, her fingers digging into hisshoulders. "I need you. I need you now."

He straightened and kissed her quick and hard, twice, then looked up thestairs and back at her, then over his shoulder at the open door to herstudy, where the desk lamp cast an amber glow that just reached the oldleather couch.

In the next moment they were beside the couch, Quinn stripping hersweater over her head, Kate impatiently pulling at his tie. In a fewrough moves their clothes were off and abandoned on the floor. They sankdown, tangled together on the couch, breath catching at the coldness ofthe leather. And then the sensation was forgotten, gone, burned away bythe heat of their bodies and the heat of their pa.s.sion.

Kate wrapped her long legs around him, took him into her body in onesmooth stroke. He filled her perfectly, completely, physically and deepwithin her soul. They moved together like dancers, each body exquisitelycomplementing the other, the pa.s.sion building like a powerful piece ofmusic, building to a tremendous crescendo.

Then they were over the peak and free-falling, holding each other tight,murmuring words of comfort and a.s.surance Kate already feared wouldn'thold up to the pressures of reality. But she didn't try to dispel themyth or break the promise of "everything will be all right."

She knew they both wanted to believe it, and they could in those fewquiet moments before the real world came back to them.

She knew that John needed to give that promise. He had always had astrong compulsion to protect her. That had always touched herdeeply-that he could see the vulnerabilities in her when no one else,not even her husband, could. They had always recognized the secret needsin each other, had always seen each other's secret heart, as if they hadalways been meant for each other.

"I haven't made out on this couch since I was seventeen," she saidsoftly, looking into his eyes in the glow of the lamplight. They lay ontheir sides, pressed close together, almost nose to nose.

Quinn smiled like a shark. "What was the guy's name-so I can go and killhim."

"My cavernan."

"I am with you. I always was."

Kate didn't comment, though she instantly called to mind the ugly sceneof Steven confronting her and John in his office. Steven choosing theweapons he used best: cruel words and threats. Quinn taking it andtaking it until Steven turned on her. A broken nose and some dental worklater, her husband had taken the war to a new playing field and done hisbest to ruin both their careers.

Quinn caught a finger beneath her chin and brought her head up so hecould look into her eyes. He knew exactly what she was remembering. Shecould see it in his face, in the lowered line of his brow.

"Don't," he warned.

"I know. The present is screwed up enough. Why dredge up the past?"

He stroked his hand down her cheek and kissed her softly, as if thegesture would seal off the door to those memories. "I love you. Now.

Right now. In the present-even if it is screwed up."

Kate burrowed her head under his chin and kissed the hollow at the base of his throat. There was that part of her that wanted to ask what theywere going to do about it, but she kept her mouth shut for once. Itdidn't matter tonight.

"I'm sorry about your client," Quinn said. "Kovac says she worked in anadult bookstore. That's probably the connection for Smokey Joe."

"Probably, but it spooked me," Kate admitted, absently stroking a handdown his bare back-all lean muscle and hard bone, too thin. He wasn'ttaking care of himself. "A week ago I didn't have anything to do withthis case. Today I've lost two clients to it."

"You can't blame yourself for this one, Kate."

"Of course I can. I'm me."

"Where there's a will there's a way."

"I don't want to," she protested. "I just wish I'd called Melanie onMonday, like I usually do. If I hadn't been so preoccupied with Angie, Iwould have been concerned that I hadn't heard from her. She'd become emotionally dependent on me. I seemed to be her sole support network.

"I know this sounds odd, but I wish I had at least worried about her.

The thought of her being caught in a nightmare like that with no onewaiting for her, wondering about her, concerned for her .. . It's toosad."

Quinn hugged her close and kissed her hair, thinking she had a heart a.s.soft as b.u.t.ter behind the armor. It was all the more precious to himbecause she tried so hard to hide it from everyone. He had seen it allalong, from the first time he'd ever met her.

"You couldn't have prevented this from happening," he said. "But you maybe able to help her now."

"In what way? By reliving my every conversation with her? Trying to pickout clues to a crime she couldn't have known would be committed againsther? That's how I spent my afternoon. I would rather have spent the daypoking myself in the eye with a needle."

"You didn't get anything off the tapes."

"Anxiety and depression, culminating with a row with Rob Marshall thatcould have me reading want ads soon."

"You're pushing your luck there, Kate."

"I know, but I can't seem to help it. He knows just how to punch myb.u.t.tons. What do you have for me to do? Could I stretch it into a newcareer?"

"It's your old career. I brought you copies of the victimologies. I keephaving the feeling that I'm looking right at the key we need and notseeing it. I need fresh eyes."

"You have all of CASKU and Behavioral Sciences at your disposal.

Why me?"

"Because you need to," he said simply. "I know you, Kate. You need to dosomething, and you're as qualified as anyone in the Bureau. I'veforwarded everything to Quantico, but you're right here, and I trust you.

Will you take a look?"

"All right," she answered, for exactly the reason he'd said: because sheneeded to. She'd lost Angie. She'd lost Melanie Hessler. If there wa.s.something she could do to try to balance that out, she would.