Kore wa Zombie desu ka? Vol 3 Chapter 1.1

VOLUME 3

Chapter 1 – Yes. To Make Gyoza Skin, You Have to Spin the Potter’s Wheel Like This… and Then Oh My, How Strange.

Chapter 1: Part 1

“We’re treasure hunters at heart, you know!”

Orito’s eyegla.s.ses shone as he was tightly gripped his fists. Not because he wanted to punch someone… Rather, he was gripping his fists in fiery pa.s.sion.

Usually, I would just ignore him, but this time I nodded and agreed with him, a meek expression on my face.

“I agree. There doesn’t exist a man who feels no heat in his chest after discovering treasure.”

“However, you also can’t go so far as to actually become a treasure hunter!”

“Ahh, yeah. Theft is a crime, after all.”

“Yo, Aikawa~~! Whatcha talkin’ about?”

A girl with short hair appeared with her hands behind her head. She seemed like the type of person who always smiled, and though she was a girl, she looked more like a lively, active young boy. She put both her hands on her waist and made herself look imposing. “Hm? Hm?” She seemed very interested in what was going on, her large eyes becoming even larger as she looked back and forth between Orito and me.

“Tomonori, you’re also a guy. Doesn’t your heart just leap when you see something pretty?”

“Hm, well. I’m actually A GIRL, but yeah, my heart would definitely leap.”

“Orito, it’s a waste of time to ask her for her opinion.”

When I said that, Tomonori’s expression clouded.

“Don’t say it like thaaat~~. That just makes me feel sad. Let me in on it toooo~~.”

Tomonori gripped me by the shoulders and began to energetically shake my upper body. Geez… She probably wouldn’t understand, but I sighed and spoke with a listless voice.

“Well then, Tomonori. Which excites you more: a treasure you found by accident, or a treasure that you dug up yourself?”

“Huh? Hmm, for me… I guess it would be the treasure I found by accident. You’re not looking for it, but you suddenly see it and you’re like, ‘uwoohh!!’”

“Oh? That’s quite surprising.”

I was honestly impressed. Normal people would have chosen the treasure that they had dug up.

“See? Aikawa, she’s obviously the same as we are.”

“It sure seems so. Tomonori, I underestimated you.”

Orito and I both crossed our arms and nodded knowingly. Tomonori put a hand on top of her head and smiled.

“Ahaha, you don’t have to praise me so much…”

“Orito. With this, our theory that sudden panty shots and nipple slips are so exciting precisely because they are accidental becomes even more certain!”

“… Huh?”

“Indeed. To think that a girl like Tomonori would appreciate the sublime nature of a sudden panty shot. Are we sure she isn’t really a boy?”

“… What?”

Orito and I shared a laugh. We wore smiles as crisp as the summer sky, while Tomonori gave us a smile as dry as a desert.

“Y-You two… You seriously are huge hentai!”

“Hey Tomonori, what in the world are you saying?”

“Yes, Tomonori. That’s something that someone who’s never seen a true hentai would say.”

“Ugh! What are you two talking about?! Let’s talk about something more wholesome! More wholesome!”

Tomonori ran her hands roughly through her hair and tried to search for another topic of discussion.

“Well, we’re talking about how there’s no man who doesn’t love the sight of panties.”

Faced with Tomonori’s ignorance, Orito put up his hands and shook his head disappointingly.

“Indeed. There is nothing more wholesome than this.”

I crossed my arms and nodded happily.

“… Do you really want to see panties so badly?”

Tomonori’s eyes were expressionless as she put her hands on her hips. It seemed that she had given up on changing the topic.

“Yeah, we do.”

“Of course we want to see them.”

“… Then, shall I show you some?”

Tomonori gave us a bold smile, grabbed her skirt, and pulled it up a bit as if prepared to show us what was underneath.

“Nah, we’re good.”

“Huh?”

She seemed really surprised by how quickly I answered. But she really didn’t understand. What was the fun in seeing panties that were so readily and shamelessly shown to us? Rather, it was when girls had their panties show accidentally, when they were really embarra.s.sed about it, that their cuteness really gleamed brighter than a diamond.

We really weren’t that desperate.

All right, it was time to spend the next thirty minutes explaining that to her.

“Were you even listening before? When we said that things are more exciting when they’re accidental…”

Orito, don’t you agree? As I explained to Tomonori how powerful accidental panty shots were, I quickly glanced in Orito’s direction.

“Tomonori-sama! Please show us lowly mongrels your compa.s.sion!”

…Orito, were you really that desperate? Orito’s eyes watered inside his gla.s.ses, reminding me of a Chihuahua, and he clung to Tomonori’s arms like a koala.

“Hey! Gedoff! …That was obviously a joke! Who the h.e.l.l would show you?! Uwaah! Don’t grab me there!”

“Don’t they say that men never go back on their word?!”

“I’m not a man, and I don’t remember ever saying something like that!”

“It’s fine, just show us! Come on!”

Orito began to lift up Tomonori’s skirt.

“Why do you want to see them so badly?!”

“They are no less than a precious jewel! I’ll burn the sight into my mind, and carry it with me every day!”

“Don’t carry that with you!” (1)

At that moment, Tomonori let loose what looked to be a corkscrew punch. Her fist came swinging down onto the tippy top of Orito’s spiky head.

When I took a closer look, I saw that her middle knuckle jutted out a bit from the rest of her fist. That was… Was that a caltrop?! (2)

Orito collapsed on top of the desk, and even if someone counted to ten, he showed no signs of getting back up.

As expected from Tomonori-san! She didn’t even go easy on humans! How dirty, ninjas fought so dirty!

“Humans are such greedy creatures. They ask for more than they need, and are just wretched, lonely animals…”

And thus, my retelling was brought forcefully to a close. After all, after Orito was beaten black and blue, nothing really happened that was worth mentioning.

Now then, maybe I should sit down and actually eat my lunch properly.

TRANSLATOR’S NOTES

(1) The verb Orito uses, “mi ni tsukeru,” actually has the additional meaning of “wearing” something like clothes. So there is an extra tone of perversion here that is difficult to translate into the English.

(2) Some weapon or something that I’ve never heard of.