Just The Way You Are Part 18

"Well, you'll be free soon enough." She turned her head toward the window, so he could no longer see her expression.

Free. The word seemed too simple for the complicated emotions running through him. He'd always thought of himself as a straightforward man. He didn't lie. He didn't play games. He didn't cheat. But here he was feeling l.u.s.t for one woman, at the same time wondering whether or not he still had feelings for her sister.

A long time ago he'd thought of himself as a one-woman man, and Tessa had been that woman. Then Alli had come along and they'd married and shared so many days and nights together that she'd become a part of his existence. She had carved a place in his life, a place that now felt empty, more empty than he would have imagined.

"Do you want to see Tessa again?" Alli asked quietly.

A flash of guilt ran through him. "I'm taking her out on the boat tomorrow," he answered, because there couldn't be any more lies between them.

She turned her head, her brown eyes pained. "On the boat?"

"We need to talk."

"Why can't you just have coffee like everyone else?"

"Tessa can't blink without someone reporting it to the newspaper."

"Well, you'll have all the privacy you want on the boat." Her expression was pure hurt.

"Someday you might have to learn to trust me, Alli."

"It doesn't matter if I trust you or not. I told you I wanted to set you free, and I meant it. If that means you go to Tessa, then that's what it means."

He tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, feeling more restless with each word. He saw a view point directly ahead and pulled into a parking spot overlooking the Pacific Ocean, because with the way he felt right now he was afraid he would drive them off a cliff if he didn't stop.

"What are you doing?" Alli asked in surprise. "We have a soccer game to get to."

"Oh, we'll get there, all right. But first you and I are going to have a very long-overdue conversation."

Alli turned to face him. "What do you want to talk about?"

"The box of photographs you found in my office."

"Why do you want to talk about that now?"

"Because I do. Because we didn't really discuss it before."

"There's nothing to discuss."

"Of course there is. I didn't collect those clippings, Alli. Your grandmother did. And last year she brought them to me and asked me to keep them for Megan."

Alli looked both surprised and hurt. "Grams wouldn't have done that. She never would have..." Alli's words faded away as he held her gaze and refused to let go. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"Because I didn't want to break the bond between you and Phoebe. I knew you would see it as a betrayal, Phoebe choosing Tessa over you. So I kept the box. I suppose I could have insisted that Phoebe keep them at her house, but I guess there was a small part of me that enjoyed seeing what Tessa was up to."

"So you were interested in the clippings after all?"

He hated the shimmer of pain in her eyes, the trembling quality of her voice. "Was it so wrong to be interested in someone I grew up with, someone I once cared about?"

"Yes. Yes, it was," she said pa.s.sionately. "Do you know how I felt when I found that box? It was like seeing you in the arms of another woman. And the woman was Tessa."

"Alli-"

"You can't imagine how awful I felt," she continued, the words pouring out in a rush. "It wasn't just the box itself, it was the secret you were keeping. You knew those photographs would hurt me. That's why you hid them away. Isn't it? Otherwise, you would have just set them on the table."

He forced himself to swallow back an automatic denial. Maybe, just maybe, there was a shred of truth in what she was saying. "I never thought I was cheating on you by looking at photographs of Tessa. Half the world looks at photographs of Tessa."

"Half the world isn't married to her sister." She took a deep breath. "You hurt me, Sam. I thought you were better than that."

"Better than what? I'm a man, Alli. I'm human. I make mistakes. So do you. We're supposed to be able to forgive each other when we screw up."

"I know that," she said wearily. "I told you before it wasn't just the box. That was the last straw, not the first. You've looked at our marriage as a jail sentence-a sentence that won't end until Megan grows up. That's what I can't live with anymore, Sam. I can't stay with someone who is never going to love me the way I deserve to be loved. I don't want to mark time for the next ten years. I want to live my life, and I think you want the same thing."

"I've done everything I can to make you happy. If you want to call that marking time-"

"You haven't done everything," she said, her voice rising again with the force of her emotions. "You haven't let go of Tessa, not deep in your heart where it counts."

He shook his head, feeling frustrated and angry. "Maybe you're the one who won't let go of Tessa. Have you ever thought of that?"

"I'm trying to let go. That's why I asked for the divorce. Because one person in love in a marriage isn't enough. We can't pretend anymore. We have to be honest with each other."

"I haven't been pretending to care about you the last nine years. h.e.l.l, I've always cared about you, even when you made me nuts." He took a deep breath, knowing he had to tell her something he had only recently been able to admit to himself. "Do you really think I would have made love to you all those years ago if I hadn't felt something?"

"You were a teenage boy. You didn't need to feel anything but h.o.r.n.y." She sat back in her seat. "I think we have a soccer game to get to."

"Oh, h.e.l.l, Alli. Why do you have to make everything so d.a.m.n difficult?" He started the car and pulled back onto the highway, wishing he'd never stopped in the first place. She was hardheaded and stubborn and she wanted too d.a.m.n much from him. She always had.

The drive to the soccer field pa.s.sed in stiff, painful silence. Alli wanted to break it, but she didn't know how. Sam kept confusing her with his words, with his actions. On one hand he seemed to be apologizing, but on the other, he still wouldn't ask her to come back to him. So they sat in their separate corners of the car and said nothing until he pulled into the parking lot by the soccer field and shut off the engine.

"I don't want to fight in front of Megan," she said abruptly. "It isn't fair to her."

"I don't want that either."

"Do you think we could call a truce?"

"Sure. Why not?" He started to open the door, but she stopped him once again.

"Wait," she said. She couldn't let things end this way. It was too awkward, too unsettled. Megan would pick up on the tension in a second.

"What now?" he asked.

"I want you to know that I think you're a good father in spite of everything else. Megan couldn't have a better dad. She knows that, and so do I. In case you thought otherwise."

His expression softened slightly. "And you're a good mother, Alli."

Finally, some common ground they could share. She sent him a tentative olive branch of a smile. "Maybe I do ask too much of you, wanting you to give up all your memories, all your feelings tor Tessa. But maybe you ask too much of me, too, expecting me to be able to forget her when you can't forget her. You know, I'm glad she's here. Because you have to find out what you are to each other. Until you do that, we're just going to be circling around her the way we always have, unable to move forward, unable to go back. We can't keep running in place. We're not getting anywhere."

"Have you considered the fact that Tessa has moved on? She came back for your grandmother, not for me."

"But, she wants-" Alli stopped. She had no idea what Tessa wanted, not really. She seemed to want Sam, but then again, she had waited an awfully long time to come back.

"You're trying to control it all, Alli. But you can't. I have a mind of my own and so does your sister."

And on that note, they got out of the car and walked over to the field where Megan's team was warming up. Along the way, they stopped to say h.e.l.lo to some of the other parents, and they both smiled and acted like nothing was wrong-the way they always did.

"I hate this," she muttered. "Everyone else seems to have the perfect happy family."

"Don't kid yourself. We're not the only ones with problems."

Megan waved to them from the field. "Hi, Mommy. Hi, Daddy," she yelled.

Alli willed herself to relax as she waved and smiled to Megan, but the truth was her body was so tense it almost ached. Being with Sam but not really being with him was so difficult.

He thought she made things hard, well, he made them even harder.

"Take a deep breath," Sam said in her ear.

She flung him a quick look. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not, you're about ready to pop. We're not going to solve anything in the next five minutes, so try to relax."

"I'm trying. I just feel so restless."

"The oysters sure didn't help," he said dryly.

She sent him a reluctant smile. "Good point."

"Hey, they're kicking off."

Alli looked back at the field and yelled, "Go Honeybees," as Megan's yellow-and-black team kicked off the ball.

And they were off, twenty-two little girls battling for a soccer ball as their parents yelled encouragement from the sidelines, some more critical than encouraging, Alli thought as one parent told her child to get off her b.u.t.t and run.

It reminded Alli of the beauty pageants she'd partic.i.p.ated in before her mother had decided they really only needed one beauty contestant in the family. Before that, there had been a litany of "Stand up straight, Alli; suck in your stomach; throw back your hair; look like you're having a good time." Torture was more like it. Well, she'd never do that to Megan.

Alli turned her attention back to the game, but she became more annoyed as Megan was repeatedly elbowed and pushed by one decidedly bigger child.

"Go forward, Meg," she yelled. "Stay forward."

"She's fine," Sam told her.

"She's supposed to be forward."

"She's helping her defense."

"But she'll get too tired if she runs the whole field. All right, that's the way." She clapped as Megan's team took the ball down the field and Megan took a shot at the goal. In her excitement, Alli grabbed Sam's arm. Unfortunately, the ball just missed. "Oh, darn, she was so close."

"She'll get the next one," he said.

"Hey, come on," Alli yelled as Megan went down on the ground, tangled up with another girl.

"She's okay," Sam told her.

"You think everyone is okay," she snapped. "Megan looks like she's crying. That girl tripped her."

"It's the way the game is played."

Maybe it was, but Alli didn't like it. And the tension of the game only seemed to increase the tension within her body. Concentrate on the game, she told herself again.

"Oh, my G.o.d," she cried, as a little girl on the opposing team gave Megan a shove that sent her flying head over heels. "She can't do that, Ref. Come on."

"Alli, let it go," Sam said.

But Alli's eyes were on Megan, who was slowly getting up off the ground, wiping tears from her eyes.

"She shoved her," Alli told the referee, who was standing just a few feet away from her and happened to be a guy she'd gone to school with. "Come on, Larry, that happened right in front of you. Are you blind?"

Larry shook a finger at her. "They were both going for the ball. They just collided."

"No way."

"That's enough, Alli," Larry said. "If you can't keep your mouth shut, leave."

"I'm not going to leave when some kid is deliberately trying to hurt my daughter."

"That's it, you're out of here."

"What?" she asked in amazement.

"Hey, you can't throw her out," Sam interrupted. "She's just concerned about her kid."

"You're out, too, Sam," the ref said.

"Me, what did I do?"

"You're both out. Parking lot now, or your kid's team forfeits the game."

Alli barely heard the murmurs of protest from the parents behind her. "You are such a power freak, Larry. These are eight-year-old girls."

"Last warning. Leave or the game is over." Sam clapped a hand over her mouth and dragged her away from the field. He didn't release her until they reached the parking lot. She stared at him, her chest heaving, her breathing ragged. "I can't believe he did that."

"I can't believe you did that."

She was somewhat surprised by the unexpected gleam in his eyes. "You're not mad at me?"

"Mad? No." He shook his head in amazement. "You, Alli, are a piece of work. You went after Larry like a mother bear protecting her cub. I thought you were going to rip his head off."