Jokes For All Occasions Part 77

The vastness of his surroundings completely dazzled him, but when the 3.30 express dashed through the station, that did it. He kept his eyes glued on the tunnel through which it had disappeared, staring after it as though some kind of miracle had happened. He remained like this for several minutes, much to the amus.e.m.e.nt of the onlookers, until at length an inquisitive porter asked him what he was staring at.

"Oi was just thinkun'," he said, pulling himself together, "what a terribal smash there'd 'a' bin if he'd 'a' missed the 'ole!"

_Breathless Visitor:_ Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones----

_Doctor:_ No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that.

They were talking over the days that will never return, so they a.s.serted; the days when there was no thirst in the land. But they had particular reference to the old state militia camp of long ago. For be it known, there was much taken to camp in those days that had little to do with military training, and it was carried in capacious jugs and big bottles. Everybody expected his city friends to run down to the camp, and be called upon to act as an a.s.suager of thirst. "The year I have reference to," said one of the old-timers, "was a notably wet one. The first night in camp everybody seemed to be bent on sampling what everybody else had brought down from the city. The result was that when the company of which I was a member was ordered to fall in the next morning to answer the roll-call there was a pretty wobbly line-up. We had a new sergeant--new to the routine of a camp, and after he had checked up he should have reported, 'Sir, the company is present and accounted for.' Instead he got rattled and said, 'Sir, the company is full.' Our captain, looking us over, sarcastically remarked, 'I should say as much, full as a tick.'"

READY AND WILLING

_Magistrate:_ "Can't this case be settled out of court?"

_Mulligan:_ "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police interfered."

An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what he should do. Shaking his head, he was about to leave the office, when the doctor called out "Hey, there, uncle, you forgot to pay me." "Pay you fo' what, boss?" "For my advice." "Nossuh, boss," said Rastus, shuffling out. "I'se compluntated it from all angles and decided not to take it."

An airman had been taking up pa.s.sengers for short trips, and by the time his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions.

He told his pa.s.sengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to speak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to his machine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airman quite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of stunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his pa.s.sengers until he felt a touch on his arm. "What is it?" he said impatiently.

"I'm so sorry to trouble you," said a voice behind, "and I know I oughtn't to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can't help it. I thought perhaps you ought to know Annie's gone."

_Chloe:_ I sho' mighter knowed I gwine have bad luck if I do dat washin'

on Friday.

_Daphne:_ What bad luck done come to you?

_Chloe:_ I sen' home dat pink silk petticoat wid de filly aidge what I was gwine keep out to wear to chu'ch on Sunday.

The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific subject when the nurse announced the arrival of a boy. "What--who?" stammered the professor absently. "Why interrupt me--isn't my wife at home?"

SARCASM

Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had been engaged.

When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Looking round, he beckoned the chairman.

"I should like to have a gla.s.s of water on my table, if you please," he said.

"To drink?" was the chairman's idiotic question.

"Oh, no," was the sarcastic retort, "when I've been speaking half-an-hour I do a high dive."

NONE AT ALL

Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off.

"Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a safe journey."

"Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A' my spare cash I gie tae my auld mither."

"That's strange! Your mither said you niver gave her anything!"

"Well, if I dinna gie my auld mither anything, what sort of chance d'ye think you've got?"

ART AND NATURE

_Husband:_ "What was that you were playing, my dear?"

_Wife:_ "Did you like it?"

"It was lovely--the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!"

"It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it was horrid."

"Well, the steak was burnt last evening."

MISUNDERSTOOD

_Mistress:_ "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers."

_Maid:_ "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine, too?"

ALL BRAINS

A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture, and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping over to where he sat, looked over his shoulder for a few minutes, and said timidly: