Jokes For All Occasions Part 74

NOT RESTRICTED

"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free thinker."

"Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"

_John:_ "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket."

_Mirandy:_ "Daon't yew dew it, John; yew can't say fer _sure_ that the train'll show up--I don't never believe in payin' fer a thing 'til I git it."

_The Wife:_ "Oh, you needn't sneer! I mean every word I say."

"I'm not sneering, my dear. I'm just thinking what a lot you must mean."

_The Escort:_ Who's that fellow who seems to know you?

_The Lady:_ Only a second cousin once removed.

_The Escort:_ Hm! Well, he looks as if he wanted removing again.

_Voice_ (_far off_): Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo!

_Satiated Camper:_ All right, all right! Who's arguing about it?

A GREAT ATHLETE

Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation turned on athletics.

"Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a gold medal in a foot race."

"Bedad," replied Mike. "Sure, an' thot's foine. But did I ivir tell ye about my uncle at Ballycluna?"

"I don't remember," replied Pat.

"Well," said Mike, "he's got a gold medal for five miles, an' one for ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming, two cups for wrestling, an' badges for boxing an' rowing!"

"Begorra," said Pat, "he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!"

"Shure, an' he's no athlete at all--at all," came the reply. "He kapes the p.a.w.nshop!"

NOTHING NEW TO HIM

The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked down a man without injuring him much.

She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to the solid earth and faced him manfully.

"I'm sorry it happened," she said grudgingly, "but it was all your fault. You must have been walking carelessly. I'm an experienced driver.

I've been driving a car for seven years."

"Well," replied her victim angrily, "I'm not a novice myself. I've been walking for fifty-seven years."

_Lady_ (_to pedlar_): "No, thank you, we never buy anything at the door."

_Pedlar:_ "Then I've just the thing for you, Madam. You will, I am sure, appreciate these tasteful little 'No Pedlars' notices."

There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read. Yes; but it is just as well not to say it when there are women and children around.

_Mother:_ It is rude to whisper, Humphrey.

_Humphrey_ (_aged five_): Well, I was saying what a funny nose that man's got. So you see it would have been much ruder if I'd said it aloud.

_She_ (_pouting_): You don't value my kisses as you used to.

_He:_ Value them? Why, before we were married I used to expect a dozen in payment for a box of candy, and now I consider only one of them sufficient payment for a new dress.

KNOWLEDGE

The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv, I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll know more than you do."

"I'll go you one better, my boy," the father replied. "I hope that when you are that old you will know as much as you think you do now."

A HUMBLING SIGHT

An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On receiving the first impression she failed to recognise the figure thereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set out for the artist's studio to ask if there was no mistake.