Jokes For All Occasions Part 71

_He:_ "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat and all improvements."

SYMPATHY

_The Tabby-Cat:_ "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest kittens, and they went and gave one away!"

_The Parrot:_ "Wasn't it too bad of them--to go and break the set?"

POPULAR OPINION

_First Burglar:_ "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin'

dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!"

_Second Burglar:_ "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?"

MORE OPPORTUNITY

_The Wife:_ "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are."

_The Husband:_ "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying with."

"Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty."

"Not 'frightfully,' mummy. A lot of that's shading."

_The Ant:_ "Well, we've struck!"

_The Gnat:_ "What for?"

_The Ant:_ "Longer hours."

_Effie:_ "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr.

Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"

_Mr. Mitcham:_ "How did you do that, my dear?"

_Effie:_ "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'd.a.m.n!' and I got up and left the room!"

NOT WHAT SHE MEANT

_She:_ "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance of their becoming reconciled?"

_He:_ "Oh, they seem to be _quite_ reconciled."

_He:_ "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion when I made such an awful a.s.s of myself?"

_She:_ "Which?"

_Jones_ (_who is of an inquiring mind_): "Ain't you getting _tired_ of hearing people say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!'?"

_Miss Belsize_ (_a professional beauty_): "Oh, no. I'm getting tired of hearing people say, 'Is _that_ the beautiful Miss Belsize?'"

_Mrs. Montague Smart_ (_suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not opened his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago_): "And now let us talk of something else!"

_Mamma:_ "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?"

_Fair Debutante_ (_who has a fine healthy appet.i.te_): "Oh, yes, Mamma--several people!"

_Guest:_ "Well, good-bye, Old Man!--and you've really got a very nice little place here!"

_Host:_ "Yes; but it's rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will have grown a good bit before you're back, Old Man!"

_She:_ "No! I can't give you another dance. But I'll introduce you to the prettiest girl in the room!"

_He:_ "But I don't _want_ to dance with the prettiest girl in the room.

I want to dance with _you_!"

"I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. One word more and I--I withdraw my overdraft."